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Confused And Hurt

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by aahuti, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. aahuti

    aahuti Senior IL'ite

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    Hi!
    This has been bothering me for quite a long time but recent events got me quite agitated.Never said anything as usual but venting and asking here.
    Here's the thing.
    My paternal family is quite well off.
    But whenever they'd come visiting me,they'll bring finest gifts for H and kids but cheap knock offs like Chinese cosmetics etc. for me.
    This time too,themselves draped in the finest silks my mom and SIL ,brought for me a cheap roadside saree.
    I have a strong feeling that it is done delibrately to upset and berate me andto convey me my (emotional) worth in the family but somehow it is very hard to accept your own family doing such a crappy thing to you.

    Yes my SIL doesn't like me but we maintain a no conflict diplomatic relationship.
    Yes,my mother since childhood has favoured my brother over me.
    He has always been the recipient of expensive gifts and I had to be satisfied with the ordinary fare.Questions were not allowed.
     
    Afresh and Adharv like this.
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  2. Adharv

    Adharv Gold IL'ite

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    @aahuti :yikes:
    You can directly ask them the reason behind such witless act if your keen to know the reason if not just pass on...not worth to think abt it.
    I know its hard to be discriminated by our own FM. If your husband is also aware of this...maybe you ask them not to get any gifts for any of you.

    Gifts given without love is fit sit in trash.
    Superb!! That really show your kindness. Tit for tat is never appreciable :)

    Cheers :beer-toast1:
     
    aahuti and GeetaKashyap like this.
  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    It's sad that you are going through this.
    Did you ask your mom why this cheap Saree for you? Forget your SIL. Don't even involve her in this. But you should be able to question your mom. After all they are moms with whom we can share all the good and not so good things.
    Generally mom's favour their daughters over DILs and sadly yours seems to be the opposite of it.
    One more thing you do is just ignore for if you know questioning is not going to help you much . Such mindsets are difficult to change rather we can change ourselves and not expect anything from them.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    1. Accept these as true. Don't doubt your intuition or feelings. Try not to spend more energy on analyzing whether it is indeed true.

    2. Don't expect people close to you to necessarily accept this as true. You may crave some acknowledgement or agreement about what you are having to suffer. If you get it easily from some people you care about, great, else, don't pursue that acknowledgement.

    3. Once the above two become more like habits, you can see what to do about their behavior. Do you feel some gratitude that they gift your husband and kids well, so you don't lose face with husband, in-laws? How is your relationship with your husband? If you share this hurt with him, could he use it later in other arguments?

    What can you do about the cheap saree gift so that you make your point yet not create too much unpleasantness with mom? Could you simply keep them in a corner of the closet, and after a year, happen to show that to mom and say that you don't really use their gifts, so they could stop giving?

    Another possibility -- did your family (and brother) spend a lot on your wedding, and on routine gifts to you and your husband, in-laws. Is is the custom in your community for the girl's parents/brother to keep gifting well after the girl's wedding? Maybe your parents kind of resent this but are keeping the tradition and making up by giving you a cheaper gift?

    How often are these visits? Do they have to bring gifts in each visit? Why? Can you and your husband thank them for the gifts and say that going forward these are not needed each time? Or that gifts can be given just to kids, no need for gifts to adults?

    Do you and your husband gift your brother and his wife as regularly? If you visit them less often, did you think of making up by ordering something online on their b'days or anniversary? Is the gift exchanging overall balanced or is it more from them to you?

    Are you going to be helping financially or physically with the care of your parents when they are older? Is this expected? Or will brother be the only one to do it? Your parents might have favored brother when you were growing up. That favoring will become only stronger as they grow older and start to contemplate being really old and the associated health etc. issues.
     
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  5. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    @aahuti,

    I can understand your hurt but why confused?

    If the perceived slight is a one-time event it can be ignored easily but if it is of frequent occurrence, why not have a chat with your mother? In most families and social circles, we spend our precious time in assumptions and presumptions, we spoil our minds over our conclusions and this vicious cycle continues. We do this in the name of politeness, respect and what not! At least with your parent, you must express yourself and seek clarification respectfully. After that, you may take a suitable decision and bury the issue once and for all. I think you are within your rights to seek clarification. Be open-minded and gracefully apologise if this discussion points a finger at some past mistake of yours. Be thankful that an open discussion cleared the air once and for all.

    All the best.
     
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  6. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    When people are doing what they are doing consistently that means they are doing it on purpose. How can you change someone who intentionally plans to hurt you. Only win they can have is making you feel worthless and agitated. Dont give them that win.

    Instead you work hard and buy what you want and flaunt to them. You derive happiness from your own life and squash their negativity
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Good you didn’t react and accepted their gifts graciously. Keep them carefully.

    Now when they leave your place or you visit them next time place same sari in their hands as a gift from you for their upcoming birthday, anniversary whatever occasion coming up. Give a dazzling smile and say ‘this is your gift for that from my side. I didn’t have time to shop but then I thought since this sari is your choice only I just can’t go wrong giving you this!’ And give a big smile as if patting yourself for such a clever idea.

    Keep repeating this for whatever they give. If they protest say ‘but I never use this brand cosmetics, why to waste, you only gave it so I thought this must be your favorite brand so why not give it to you. You use it!’ Say all this with big smile and air of great generosity. Assumption being they love you so much and are gifting you their most favorite, their choice item to you but since you don’t use and don’t want to waste their hard earned money you are gifting it back.
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Regifting ?!!
    Hahaha...
    This reminded me of the season before last christmas when I received a gift wrapped in a nice printed chiffon cloth. The lady who gave me that told me that she went to a class to learn gift wrapping with paper and with cloth. This cloth wrapping is called furoshiki. It is supposed to make the gift convey that special Marie Kondo* kind of feeling [when you hold it, does it spark joy in you?] when the gift is received wrapped in a gorgeous cloth. A saree can be cut into several square pieces to spark such a lot of joy in wrapped gifts.

    *Marie K. is the declutter lady, who tosses things that don't spark joy in her.
     
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  9. aahuti

    aahuti Senior IL'ite

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    Totally agree and get that they are doing it on purpose.Yup!I know the agenda is to hurt my self esteem and make me feel worthless.
    It is easy to brush off negative people but it becomes very hard when they are your family.Its extremely heartbreaking.
     
  10. aahuti

    aahuti Senior IL'ite

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    I need to Marie Kondo my heart it seems :)
     

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