Conflict Management Of Fil/dil .

Thank you for sharing so many real life situations! Maybe this setup was food for gossip for the relatives - but perhaps both the parties involved liked this setup - would you know?

One of our neighbors in the US - have what is called the "in-law suite" in the their backyard or garden. The couple are in their 60s, mother of the wife in her 80s/90s lives in the in-law unit - by herself. The in-law unit is like a small cottage with a small kitchen and bathroom and single room to sleep in and maybe a nook to entertain a guest or two. This to me is the perfect setup - son-in-law has full freedom in the home they have chosen to build with his wife and kids - and gets to retain comforts, privacy even in his 60s. Wife can walk/talk to mom whenever she wants. Grandma cooks for herself, can enter and leave home whenever through side gates and keys to her studio.Wife and mom can share food whenever they make each other's favorites. And best of all grandkids of (another child) live two streets away - and can come and knock on Grandma's anytime - without bothering their aunt or uncle.

Of course such a setup is only possible for an affluent family.

But let alone the affluence, imagine an Indian couple in the US having an in-law unit in their backyard - and having the in-laws/parents do their own independent cooking - grandparents would book their next flight back home for the disrespect.

The ideal home in the US given so many single-child families. Each plot should have one home for the family with *two* studios at the back - one for parents and one for the in-laws. When parents and in-laws are not visiting - rent out to local college students or Air BnB to help pay mortgage.

 

Dear @satchitananda,
I recall reading about this setup in Netherlands. Thank you for sharing it here! At first sight it might seem like - joint families were the solution we have had for centuries but now we moved away from it and are suffering the consequences - of loneliness in old age.

But you know how easy it is to take advice from "strangers" on the Internet or a lovely elderly man or woman - you meet upon by chance ? But it is quite hard to take advice from the elders at our own home - especially if they are related to us "by-law". I think it is because in the latter there is follow up - there is expectation to adhere to the advice and consequences of subtle words - if the advice is not heeded to.

The connection of my point above - is that it is easier to get-along and learn from the world-wise and life-experiences - that may be shared above in the Dutch setup because there are no underlying expectations.

 

I have read many threads here from DILs who live in abroad but still complain about ILs.

They would have got married and would have lived away from ILs from early days of their marriage so all the bonding between husband and wife should have thrived with correct eco system but them too complaining about interference or other such behavior makes me think may be living in nuclear family in the infancy will not solve problems. (Constant networking with people living away from couple through Social media and ever accessible phone might add to this agony)

I agree with @sln that communication is the key. Married Women need to express themselves clearly from the beginning whether it is MIL or FIL or SIL or BIL whenever boundaries are crossed. My mom and my aunt belonged to older generation than majority of us here but I remember they were adept in conflict managements.

In my 12 years of marriage and 20+ years living with only women(wife, sisters, mother, mother-in-law, aunt in order of importance), I have observed that women need very minor reason to become upset but admirably they also get over that annoyance sooner than men as new reason to get upset will crop up within no time . All astute ladies here, Please take my post in lighter vein , no harm intended.