Comparing

Yes, I have encountered this behavior in my DH as he too is dear momma's boy. If his mother asks him to sit/ stand he will do it without questioning.
My DH did the same thing as described- he knew I would not like certain things- he would make sure to tells his mother not to force me or even worse would get angry and yell at his mom. And comes to bedroom and says "see how I stood up for you"
Not only this created an ill will with my MIL, but I felt I couldn't trust my DH with anything. I would have told him things in private (which aren't a big deal)... he would make it a big deal by yelling screaming at his mom. MIL will have sour eyes on me coz she got screamed at in front of DIL.

In short- I realized that my DH never realized that I was actually doing or following his family "tradition" or "rituals" to be a part of his family. He didn't get it. He saw it as- I was doing it to please him.

It took me a while to realize all this- Now I don't do anything. I do the rituals which I am accustomed to. So my DH doesn't think I am "pleasing" him, his family. I cook in the style I know, its up to him to eat it or leave it.
I openly tell my MIL my likes and dislikes.... no more telling privately to DH. If little things bother me (I tell my mom/ sis)

My 2 cents- Firstly your DH is a momma's boy. You slowly have to teach him to stand up for himself. Its not gonna happen overnight.

Second- he seems to be caught in between you and his family values. ( it takes some time for momma's boys to understand how to stand up for themselves or for their wife's)

Third- Why aren't you giving other examples? How do you know it will not go anywhere? I think you should just state other examples that you haven't told your DH. I suggest you to communicate freely ( it may cause little bit of fights here and there) but don't be afraid-If you dont talk and just adjust to everything he tells- it will have its own side effect much later.

Fourth- Are you 100% sure that your DH didn't joke around when he said he didn't miss you? Maybe I am wrong- but sometimes men especially newly married don't really get what not to talk, what not to joke, what not tell. My DH treated me as I am his friend from his boy gang. He kept telling me how "he could relate to me, how he can completely talk to me without feeling weird". It took more than a year to make him understand that I am not his friend from "boy gang". I am his wife. I am a woman, I have feelings and they are getting hurt when he behaves or jokes or says things in a certain fashion.

Fifth- Please don't be very submissive in the beginning of the marriage. You will become a stepstool. Voice out whatever you feel, what you think and communicate this well. You don't have to fight or argue. Communicating your point of view is a good thing. It helps your DH to understand what you are thinking instead of taking or adjusting to everything.

Sixth- Have a thick skin. You be yourself, you shouldn't bend too much for your DH. Is he willing to adjust as much as you did? or Willing to understand how much you have adjusted? Try to do things which you feel ok, don't force yourself to do everything ( this creates resentment in long-term).
Seventh- Yes they will always sing praises of their son.. because that's all they know. They are not ready to see anything in you ( you are too new to them). Why are expecting to get credit for calling and talking to them? Either you should do it without expectations or talk to them when they talk to you.


Don't be depressed for these issues- these are common issues in newly married couples. You and him are new to each other, it will take sometime to understand each other. Don't bend backward to please 3 people... when they don't lift a finger.

All will be well

Goodluck

 

Op.....you should sit down with him and smoothen out these bumps...if he is other wise good and caring.

Ask him for time since you want to discuss somethings that are troubling you.Tell him to listen to you and then he can give his feedback.

1)Regarding the rituals ....
Tell him he knows that you don't believe in these but you are trying to listen to mil and follow some of your family traditions. His screaming at his mother and then blaming his wife is not helping the situation.It is only causing bad blood between you and mil.Is that what he wants?
Give him two options....a)Either he lets you follow mil's instruction without interfering and causing hard feeling between you and your mil.
b)Or you will stop following the rituals and he will be fine with it without fighting and blaming you.

As for the marriage expenses.....
Tell him you both have different views on this topic .Tell him about what your friends feel on this topic.If you both keep comparing with other people ...then this issue will keep causing problems between you both.

Tell him it is okay to have a difference in opinion .Your marriage is done and whatever may be the opinion on this, it is something that is not gong to happen again ...so why fight about it.
We can have a difference of opinion.
This is a topic you can revisit when your children are getting married . By that time ...it will probably be you who will have more say on this.You bring up your children with a more open mind set.

Op...slowly make changes in your life.Stop saying yes for everything . Build your influence over your household.Start doing some rituals of your side of the family too...or start some of your own.
Listen to mil but do your own thing that you feel is better for your household.
You are partner to your husband....not a service provider.Your opinions matter too.

 

The more potent response would be to ask him" Teach me how to stop missing you too...I don't want to be the only stupid one doing the missing part in this relationship"....followed by some silence and indifference towards him.

Why fight and give him an excuse to talk nonsense?...give him some thing to think about .

Ask the silly immature man how he would feel if you went around discussing your husband with your friends, and then base your behavior towards him on their response.

 

You (and your hubby) are living away from your in-laws, in another place. Is, what I assume, right ?

 

The best advice on IL for me till now!

 

Really surprised !!

Your in laws live far away from you, in another country. But, you have so many issues with them. I thought problems with in laws are due living together as a joint family.