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Comments From Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Desiindian, Jan 12, 2017.

  1. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    I will come to the topic directly. My MIL keeps commenting on how her son, my Dh changed now. He helps me doing household chores and cooking. she always pass comments about it, when I am alone. Like " pavam, he is working in office, at home doing chores". In front of him, she talks in appreciative tone. But, when he is away, she puts sad face and always says he is pavam. Then she will say few stories about how her relatives daughter do all housework themselves, they cook this food and that food and so on. I am loosing my patience nowadays listening to all such nonsense. Few times, I simply walked away from the place. But, still she continue to say such kind of stories. I knew many are not true. She cannot say such things to me directly, becoz I would react very strongly. So, she is passing such stories and comments indirectly. They visit us once in a while, so I cannot completely cutoff talking to her. Now I want to know How I should put an end to this irritating story telling.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    You cannot change her, you can only control your own reaction to her. Even though it is irritating, continue what you are doing.
     
    sindmani, tcbhuvana, dc24 and 2 others like this.
  3. meepre

    meepre Gold IL'ite

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    I have faced this exact situation. My dh helped me when I was pregnant and got same reaction from mil.
    I ignored all her comments whenever she said something indirectly and when after months she got no reaction stopped talking about that.
    After years when she again talked something indirectly about how pavam is her son, I casually indirectly told how there are many families in which husband and wife shares work and are happy. She then stopped all those talks.
    Try is these works for you.
     
    sindmani and Desiindian like this.
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    When someone else is praised by MIL for doing the opposite of what I do so that I get the message, I scoff at it even though in reality I don't think it's any of my business. I'd say something like, "I'm glad I've managed to train <husband> to be a modern man who contributes to our life instead of being like that utterly clueless, old-fashioned girl." Or "I'm glad husband and I behave in such a way that our children will be proud of us instead of detest the old fashioned parents like the current modern kids do" and such totally rude and outrageous stuff.

    Two can play the game as long as it doesn't tire you. Mil doesn't dare open her trap now to say such nonsense.
     
    Desiindian, dnormx01 and MalStrom like this.
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, understand one thing. It’s the mother in her that is making her say such things. She is not saying it to spite you or to demean you. She genuinely believes that her son is “paavam”. But she also knows that she is not entitled to say it openly in front of her son, so, she says it to you.

    And really, in her younger days, it’s the norm that man works outside the home and brings home a paycheck and the wife stays home to take care of the home (without any help). Does it make it right for her to keep saying this to you? No.


    So, here is what you can do. You can tell her how much you appreciate your husband’s help. Compliment her that she raised her son well and that only because of her upbringing and his own goodness he is doing what every man should do. Restate the last sentence “as every man should do”. See what she says.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Next time she says that...tell her "yes maa,you brought him up well".
     
    sindmani, dc24, meVaidehi and 5 others like this.
  7. dnormx01

    dnormx01 Gold IL'ite

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    If that's the case, why does she appreciate him and look sad only before the dil? Is it not clear that she's trying to put up a sad face wantedly? If she were genuine then she should have a single reaction with both right?
     
    sindmani and Desiindian like this.
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    I've seen far too many passive aggressive mums, sadly. They don't want to come out and say, do this or that. They'd rather say it in a veiled or barbed manner. In case of my mil, she used to be direct with me and I'd directly tell her I won't, if what she said was unreasonable. So she resorted to these snide, annoying remarks.

    One posh mil I know with 2 lovely dils will deliberately praise the one who's absent in front of the one present, to me. I don't know what the point is but it just seems like the need to keep the girls on their toes.
     
  9. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    One posh mil I know with 2 lovely dils will deliberately praise the one who's absent in front of the one present, to me. I don't know what the point is but it just seems like the need to keep the girls on their toes.[/QUOTE]

    this is nice comment.. my MIL and FIL both tried this with me..I didnt get jealous..they got fed up and tried to go other way around, they praised me and backbi**hed about the other one behind her back...I mean COMMON....the moment I turn my back, they start their sh*t with the other one....why cant these oldies rest and be more spitritual and generous geneuine in their old age..alll the root cause of their problems will vanish..all they need to do is be genuine and understanding.....
     
    sindmani, dc24, Desiindian and 2 others like this.
  10. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your replies. She has been doing this for years. Initial days, I was ignoring her, would never react to her comments. oneday, I even asked her how come ladies are working in office and doing household are not pavam, but men who help wife are so pavam. Even I was also like that when I was working. she kept silent. Again she started the same after few visits. Howcome, MiL want working DIL, but never support her son helping his wife. As dnormx01 mentioned, she is showing double face, always irritating talk when I am alone. When I was completely bedridden for weeks together, my Dh would do all kitchenwork alone, she didnot even lift a spoon to help her son. was sitting and watching tv. Now she is indirectly passing comments. Before marriage while chatting, husband used to tell me how he helps his mother at home. I feel like giving her a strong reply on face, to shut story telling mouth. I don't know how to do it, without revealing my husband name.
     
    sindmani likes this.

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