Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by paru123, Oct 3, 2019.
Yes just want to make my girl mentally stronger.
Exactly the boys seems to be everywhere.
I think this may be the problem. Her reaction. The boy is a kid himself, you really cant expect him to be capable of self reflection esp if his mom is not bothered. It may just be that he is awed by his ability to make your daughter burst into tears with a single word. And the more he tests it out the more she obliges.
1. take your daughter aside and explain that the boy is 'not nice' for saying katti. Explain 'nice' and 'not nice' using examples she can understand.
2. Take firm steps to avoid being around that boy, approaching him talking to him. This is going to happen anyway because in India gender segregation starts way before puberty anyway, so why invest more time in a friendship destined to go nowhere? Might as well start now.
3. Make a more determined effort to find other little girls of her age. Make friends with like minded parents of her classmates, and find out if any live nearby. Arrange a playdate. Or Go through known people like your colleagues if you work, your husbands colleagues, friend of a friend, friend of a relative - find out who is of her age lives nearby and set up a playdate, Is there a mailing list or forum for people who have returned to India like you guys in your city? You will have to find out and make the efforts.
4. I would also look into language classes since you said her hindi is not good, and some extra curricular classes like drawing, dance, singing you can experiment with different things till you find something she really likes.
Thing is, you need to address this insecurity in your daughter. and put an end to it. Otherwise it will affect her concentration therefore her studies etc. After who can study or do anything worthwhile when one is feeling upset and insecure? This is true even for us adults, isn't it?
Are you sure about this? Are you sure she is not just reflecting your comfort level? From what I have seen, mother tongue and comfort level because of it is meaningless to such young kids, as long as there is a like minded playmate they will find a way to play. The metro where I grew up, none of my classmates or building friends spoke my native language,but it was never ever an issue. We picked up elements of the metro language interspersed with english, the other kids would obligingly correct wrong usage, and we knew when to switch into which language depending on context and place.
If it's any consolation, I have been through exactly this, at about the same age. Shyness, a move, unfamiliar language, few friends, bullying - you name it. I turned out OK, I think. So, don't worry too much. Reading saved me. With books, the world is yours. You have all the friends you want. Perhaps you can teach her that, gently, if you find a way to make reading a comfort and a refuge.
Activities, as suggested above, are good too. One thought I might add would be to make it an exercise in exploration, not something assigned by you, a chore that she must commit to with grim determination. You can tell her that she has to have one physical activity or sport, one musical instrument, and so on, but she can try as many as she has patience for. Then she has to choose one and stick with it. The whirl of experimentation and that sense of agency in making a choice, if done right, can prove transformative. With new activities come new friends. Of course, it will require a lot of patience from you.
The urge to belong is natural. Socializing children is a big part of raising them. To do it right you have to know when to leave them alone to figure things out for themselves and when to intervene or gently turn them around to face the right way vis a vis other people. To do that, you need to understand the nature of this urge to belong. This essay by C.S. Lewis made a great impression on me, bringing with it a measure of clarity - not, of course, at five years of age, but a bit later. Reading it may help you guide your daughter, in your own way.
Your girl is big enough to understand she need to go where she is not welcome. Tell her if the boy or any other kid ignores her, it means they don't reciprocate her friendship level. So why should she give him importance. This is just the message. You need to make it into a proper conversation in a way with examples like she understands. For example the chhota been gang. Radha is such a great friend to bheem doesn't mean they do everything together. They also have other friends and sometimes they play in big one group sometimes in small different groups. But the bottom line is bheem is also a great friend and will be there to help her no matter what. She needs to find such friends instead of focusing on someone who doesn't care for her.
You also need to be more active in school events find some other parents living close by or who's kids are okay friends of your daughter. Go for play dates in parks or somewhere outside. Invite some kids from the building over. Kids like this just need kind of a first blind date for the lack of better analogy. Once she finds how cool it is to play with some other kids, she will mix up more. Also make it a point to include some bigger and smaller kids than her.
Above all tell her that she goes to school to learn who she sits with who she plays with is not important. She can do all that at home or outside. All the time she is chatting with someone in school is also the time she is not learning or paying attention to teacher.
I agree with the books and activities suggestions. The more she reads the more her knowledge expands. It will also help her in social circle when she can talk about anything with confidence.
Don't bend over backwards to keep anyone in her circle. Totally unnecessary for her and your self respect.
Yesterday night during devi aarti in the society, most of the kids were standing in the front. This boy while the aarti was going on told her katti and then asked 2 other kids to say katti to her. When they were not saying katti he forcibly took their little finger to fold and show katti to my daughter who then started to cry. I had to pull her back from there. The boys mother had to leave early. My daugher is half his size and was dressed up. I dont know if its pure jealousy or his first successful steps in bullying a weaker child.
As you said I will have to deliberately avoid the boy and follow all the other suggestions that you have mentioned.
The katti thing is a temporary thing as after the aarti all the kids were playing but the tension and awkwardness it creates in me bcos of her crying irritates me for the rest of the day/evening.
Thank you for the suggestions and the link. Will implement it sooner.
For her friends are more important than school, teacher and learning. I have explained her to ignore all unnecessary stuff but things like self respect doesnt go into the 5 year old' head. Though she is above average in studies, she gives a lot of importance to this 1 or 2 friends whom she sees daily.
Here there is no physical violence only emotional attack by the boy. Since now its not himself saying katti but forcing other kids also to say katti to her.
Is it wrong to approach the boys mother asking to correct his behaviour. Would it look silly as the katti batti things are temporary and children forget n play together after some time.
I just dont like to pick up a fight with the boys mother but want her to notice how her child is attacking others emotionally. She pretends as if nothing wrong is done by her son.
"Emotional attack" is an exaggeration for the boy's behavior. And don't forget that you and his mom gave him that sense of power. You when you offered chocolate, and his mom when she happily told him, "Aunty will give you chocolate if you sit next to her on the bus." You are expecting a little child to react maturely to such behavior from adults.
How can she correct his behavior effectively? At the most she can tell him that it is not nice to be mean and to exclude others. She cannot ensure that her son does change his behavior. And she cannot realistically discipline him for not following it.
Looks like the katti thing impacts you more than your child. You have to let this thing go after you temporarily comfort your daughter each time she cries or complains about it.
I know it hurts like hell, but you really need to calm down a little, and stop ascribing such faults to that child. And why does your child want to be friends with a boy who is twice her size? She is 5, how old is that boy?