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Child Clingy To Her Friend.

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by paru123, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    My 5 year old kid is a shy girl. We were abroad and returned to India when she was 3. She had problems in speaking Hindi, as a result she was not able to make new friends easily here. She has 2 friends right from then and she is very much dependent on them for playing even now. Those 2 kids are of her same age. The girl plays with her depending on her mood whereas the boy is unpredictable. If no one else is there he will play with her or ignore her. There are 2 other girl friends also but they dont come down to play regularly. There are many groups in the society made by kids. My kid is not able to mix with any other group as her focus is only these 2.

    Now all of a sudden i notice that she is too much clingy with the boy and cries when he ignore her. He is a carefree boy, has many friends and dont actually need her much. There are four other kids, all boys, in his floor, so he never feels lonely. He has a elder sibling too. This boy also goes with her in the schoolbus. My kid is emotionally dependent on him as all in the big school are strangers and the boy is the only known face for her. Also the mother tongue is same, but they speak hindi with each other. School is 30 mints drive each way.

    In school, they change seats of kids daily. Rotation basis. So no same kid daily. She is very happy when one particular girl sits next to her. Everyday morning she will ask me if today that girl will sit with her. And has lots to talk if that girl sits with her. She is very happy chirpy then.

    Now in the last few days she literally cries,that the boy should sit with her in the bus. I offered to give him chocolate if he sits with her in the bus. They are in different divisions though same grade. His parents purposefully didnt want the kids to be in same division fearing that kids would fight. The boy is offlate telling her katti (kaati meaning- not friend; batti means friend)every now and then. And hearing that my kid starts crying. She doesnt want to go to school either.

    The boy and his mother would be always in the ground and u can meet them anytime u go down. So avoidance is impossible. I have felt that the mother is jealous of me and she is a bit immature. She wont correct when her kid says katti for no reason. Even i feel and find it silly to ask his mother to tell him not to say katti. Though i ask him reason why he said katti and he would say just like that.

    There are other kids also in the society but this is like a magnet. Attention does not go to other kids. I tell my kid to play with other kids but she wont. She is happy only if the boy and girl play with her.

    Now even though she is shy and has starting trouble,she would speak few hi hello, how are you aunty, uncle type sentences to known elders in the society. Most people like her because she talks to them without any fear. She likes attention. There are some kids who wont bother to reply if elders ask anything, but my kid usually repsonds with a smiling face.

    Now back to the boy, how do I change her behaviour? I want her to make new friends. There are so many kids in the society but my daughter never bothers to make friendship with new people. Also i want to remove my daughter's clingy behaviour. Please suggest.

    Boys mother has also formed group with other ladies in the society. I know i am not welcome in the group as she hides facts from me, though other ladies do not have such a thing.
     
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  2. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    I guess preferring one friend over the other or avoiding opposite gender kids are all part of growing phase. Haven’t we faced this ‘katti’/batti thing in our childhood? You can control your response but cant expect other parent to respond the way you want..you also join some other families and make friends..your child will be fine .bribing other kids to be your child’s friend is big NO.honestly I will stay away from such moms..Sorry to be blunt here...I will never force my child to be someone’s friend if he doesn’t want..May be other mom is like me..Just keep encouraging her to make friends..She will be alright.its just a phase
     
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  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I assume you have other extracurricular activities involving social interactions with other kids? Enroll her in a bunch of classes with the sole intention of getting her to interact with different kids. This boy seems to be around at school and home and everywhere else :) she needs to see some new faces.
     
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  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    This katti thing, generally that’s how kids are. One minute they are friends, next enemy, next friends, it goes on. ‘Just like that’ is true.
    You can’t keep track n it’s true that it’s silly to be expecting the mom to correct it every time. It’s just a kids thing. I see that kinda behaviour with older kids too. For no reason they will fight n ask a kid to go, n some time later, they will all be ok.

    Arrange separate play dates with other kids. Maybe one or two kids, not more so she can learn about them. You can help with games, food, stories, movies, talking in the beginning till she learns to pick it up on her own.

    Looks like there are some issues between you two moms.

    Forming of groups, many sub groups are part of society living, happens in schools too. Depending on how comfortable or close are to each other, this gets divided. There are a few moms who are part of two or more groups (even 10+) depending on how they are getting along with different groups.

    If you want to extend a hand to this lady, maybe call her for a coffee / tea. N leave the group thing out if it. Sometimes letting it bother you will only add on more issues.
    You can start your own group with your other ladies friends.

    You can give treats to her friends out of love or as sharing but never as bribe. I would probably be troubled if my kid took bribe n did something. It’s not right for both the kids involved.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Having to observe child struggling to make friends is one of the toughest thing we might have to do as a parent. Luckily, they get over it faster than the parent does.

    No matter how much it hurts to see one's child being rejected by other kids, it is not OK to offer chocolates to the other kid or ask him why he said katti.

    I would absolutely not care for another parent trying to bribe/reward my child with chocolate or directly asking her why she is not being friends with that parent's child.

    What can actually be done to help the little girl get through this phase -- there are good suggestions in the posts above.
     
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  6. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    I had said this to a child at a much much later stage. Grand advice for a lifetime.
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Paru,

    What were you doing in last 2 years that your daughter has only 2 friends?

    Moving to India itself is very very stressful for kids. My boys being much older were able to tell me, even for short vacations, that they find India very noisy, overwhelming, crowded and strange. Even for short, I mean, 3-4 week vacation we would go fully armed with toys, books and later their games to make sure they had something to fall back on and not bored out of their minds. From what you have written it appears you have just left it to your 3 year old daughter to navigate all this on her own? Why?
    First of all come out of this misguided idea that kids ‘automatically’ find friends in India, that all you have to do is leave them and they go downstairs and ‘automatically’ find a big group of people to play with. Parents play a huge role selecting and encouraging friends for such a small child. I just don’t see that happened here. Why? When I was three in India I played with my siblings or visiting cousins. Or the maid took me out and let me play on swings. Chaperone. very very few neighbours only whom my parents knew very well and IF they had kids my age they were permitted once in a while to come home and play at my house. Later much later after first or second standard when I was 7 or 8 or 9 I could go out and play that too within line of sight of front door. And I am talking about decades ago when I was a kid. And this in a place our family had lived in for years. It just looks easy but when you uproot and move to another place you have to put in the spadework.

    You just can’t go to a major Indian city today and throw your kid at the mercy of some random kid who happens to live in the building.

    Where are you in this picture? Or rather Why aren’t you anywhere in this picture? Why aren’t you taking an active role in helping transition her to an India environment, introducing her to suitable kids her age, taking her for activities where she can meet kids, or at the very least vetting this family and making sure they are okay?
    I would start doing those things for your daughter. If you really tried to give that boy chocolates that’s a huge no no! And the katti stuff! What kind of example are you setting for daughter? No wonder that mom looks at you weirdly. Look all this is not as trivial as you seem to think it is. Word gets around about this sort of thing pretty fast there and you are being judged, just FYI.

    And you HAVE to repair your relationship with the building ladies. In India it’s all about who you know. Keep good relations with the building people and neighbors - you never know when you’ll need their help. Now you are in India so you have to do the ‘what works in India’ things- be fake, try to get along with everyone, conform, smile sweetly n show interest and exclaim poor thing even if you don’t give a damn etc etc. you are not in phoren anymore that you can shrug and think to hell with her, if you don’t like some woman.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
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  8. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your valuable replies.
    There are around 50, 55 kids in the society ranging from 6 month old to 15 year olds. A group not by any name is formed even amongst kids. Like toddllers, pre schoolers, pre-primary, primary, secondary, higher secondary, etc. These again get mentally split based on the education boards they are in like state cbse international etc. Further again a split is seen language wise, north, south. Etc.

    There are working parents and stay at home mothers. Kids come to play as per their, parents, grand parents convenient timings, sleep, food, dance class, tuitions, drawing classes, homework, exams, vacations, mothers cooking finish time, etc etc. Many kids of primary and above come to play without any supervision. Sometimes they play chess, carroms etc. Sometimes they just sit and chit chat.

    Though there are so many kids, my kid and my timings match with the other 2 kids play time. If we go early to play we wont find any of her age. Majority around 70% are boys and they play cricket kabbadi which my daughter doesnt like to play. Now the games my daughter and her age group kids play are just jumping,running behind each other, cycling, pushing other when one is cycling, collecting leaves, stones, not any organised game as such. She and the other girl keeps giggling, laughing at their own silly jokes, etc etc. I have many times taught them new games but they go back to their silly games after 10 minutes.

    Even if i take her out to the park and the other kids are playing downstairs she would refuse the park and play with the kids in the society.

    My problem mainly is with the boy who keeps telling katti while going to school. He is a street smart type boy with no care for others feelings.
    I am just not able to tell my kid to ignore him and mind her own business. The moment he says katti, she starts sobbing. Well i know its not a problem in the long run but for the 10 to 15 minutes that we wait for the school bus, this is a daily routine.

    Inviting the boy to play at home is a nightmare. Though my kid is very happy, everyone else is not. He would jump, run on the sofa, bed that we dont like and his mother wouldnt say anything.

    I just want her not to depend on this boy at all. Just because the mother tongue is same, my kid feels very comfortable with him and his family.
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...as a mother,I have seen both sides of the coin .

    It is heart breaking to see your child wanting to be someone's friend but not being able to .
    The best a parent can do is provide opportunities for the children to be around each other.

    The worst a parent can do is give an assurance or an inkling to the child that they (the parent ) can make it happen.
    One can't control other children or their choices.
    When a parent goes out of the way to make things happen,it encourages not just the clingy behavior ,but also makes the clingy child believe they can control others or manipulate others through adults.

    Next time just distract her and ask her to learn to be with others too because that is the way it is.
    There will be tantrums but there is no other way around it . It is for their own good in the long run.
    Take her to new groups and let her find a way to make friends.


    My other child had to deal with a clingy friend who would want my child to be her friend . She would not like my child playing with others and started controlling her choices.....where to sit,where to play....

    I had to help my child who is not very assertive and keep her away from the clingy child because no child should have to deal with other child's emotional issues.
    My child was also a child and did not have to deal with the drama.
    I understand the other mother's point of view.
    I also understand how you feel.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2019
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  10. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    .bribing other kids to be your child’s friend is big NO.honestly I will stay away from such moms..Sorry to be blunt here...I will never force my child to be someone’s friend if he doesn’t want..

    Yes i understand offering chocates was a wrong idea. The boys mom happily told him that aunty would buy you chocolates if you sit near her or not say katti. I dont think the mom was offfended. I would like to know how should the boys mother react when her child is hurting other child like in this case saying katti. Shouldnt a emotionally weak child be protected from a tougher one or should the child be left to cry. Well if its a once in a blue moon thing, then can ignore.
     
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