1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Chatting With Odd Guy

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aksdxb, Oct 15, 2018.

  1. Blush

    Blush Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh my god.. I am going through this same situation now.. In mybcase its my husband whos chatting with other ladies behind my back.. No advice for you but i hope that you get out of this situation soon.
     
    aksdxb likes this.
  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    1,550
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    What are you trying to convince your wife to do? This isn't something simple, like convincing her that she should wear the outfit you picked out, over the outfit she likes. You want her to be emotionally blackmailed by her mother. There seems to be a clear lack of understanding between you and your wife. I'm not blaming you, but I am just saying that reminding her of her duty - as wife and mother, isn't the way to bring her back to you.

    And the reason for her relationship - I am not sure why you are digging for this. Whatever the reason, it will not make you feel better about this situation. To be blunt, knowing why will not give you the ability to fulfill the reason she has started this relationship.

    In my own marriage, my family has gotten involved numerous times to save the marriage. It's the strangest thing, because marriage is really between 2 people and their understanding - not the elders making solutions to appeal to the morality of both parties. I do not know what type of compromise you both have agreed to, but maybe its time to revisit it. If your marriage is not based out of love and fidelity, maybe it should just be based on co-parenting. I don't know your situation, I am just spelling out possibilities you could explore.

    Don't think of this as a right or wrong situation, you need to figure out how to deal with it, so that as a parent, you can give your children a good life and as a human being, you can find balance and happiness.
     
    NeetaR, suasin and aksdxb like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,886
    Likes Received:
    9,424
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Chatting between man and woman on social media is very common now a days than what you know. However, it is your marriage and the love you two are sharing, is the boundary between that male and female friendship of your spouse.
    The relationship between a man and woman begins with an attraction. That eventually ends in friendship or romantic relationship. Friendship attraction is not romantic or sexual in nature, but is the kind of attraction you feel when drawn to someone because you like that person and enjoy being with him or her. It is purely platonic and very possible between opposite genders ... Romantic attraction is about the desire to alter the friendship into a couple relationship. It also very much possible among friends.

    It highly depends on what your wife wants here....

    Looking at your older posts and the current situation, it seems your wife is looking for a romantic relationship with this guy, of course in the name of friendship now.
    That's why they both enter into vulgar chats, which is not the case if the friendship is purely based on companionship.

    I do have an on-line friend, who is my agony aunt, that I chat and chat for long with him to vent out all my frustrations, happiness, mood swings etc... and he does the same with me too. Depending on our time schedules, responsibilities and priorities, we do keep time for each other to chat.
    This is purely companionship and platonic; hence we have never ever wanted to call each other or see each other or even share anything romantic or sexual for that matter.
    Most of the time, the chat line would be about my work stress - how to handle, sick kid - how to cope, fight with hubby - how to patch up, etc etc...,
    and from his side also the same case. And happy moments like watch this movie, go to that café as they have the best coffee etc.

    It really make us feel relaxed, and to get better perspective when in need of decision making.

    So, I am sure, you are not an average husband who would see this kind of chats as vulgar. If not, and if you think your wife into something serious, it's better to identify the root cause.

    looks like you are not sharing romance or companionship or affection between each other expect for being good co-parents under one roof.
    And if you think it is impossible to bring back the much needed romance and companionship in your marriage, better you two to stick as co-parents and mind your own business. To which, you might need a legal or social separation.
    Consider that
     
    shreepriya and Amulet like this.
  4. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,002
    Likes Received:
    1,437
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Nice long note (as usual)!!
    However, I have this question: Aren't couples sharing a life for reasons that are pragmatic (have kids, need to stick together and raise them kind of rationale), and then have fantasies in their minds ? Even in intimate moments, he is thinking of some bollywood item number, and she is thinking of some hunk from somewhere; nevertheless, it is they who heave, sweat, and have the whatsomever that they usually do in their routine.

    Should people care so much about a "mindshare" in their life as a married couple ?

    It is not for everybody to have a grindingly boring ordinary life, where he REALLY thinks she's hot stuff, and she, vice versa. It is just the way it is. So, wouldn't the advice to the OP be to NOT fret about a 100% mindshare from the mother of his two kids, but concentrate on the good life, "when she welcomes his attention", because she's already been warmed up by her long distance chatter. Life could be so wonderful when everybody just relaxes, and give their brains a break. Just my opinion, naturally.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2018
    shreepriya and SGBV like this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,886
    Likes Received:
    9,424
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Good, practical enough... but looks like OP's wife's relationship with her distant chatter has seemingly crossed the boundary.
    They have vulgar chatting - I take it as sexting.
    They call each other to share more intimate level of relationship at the cost of spending time for family/home
    They planned for a meet up.
    At this rate, I don't think it is just an attraction or friendship only. It is the interest to take this relationship to the next level, which is obvious.
    And in any marriage, if a partner has the willingness to have a romantic relationship with a third party, then according to me that's the end of their marriage.
     
    shreepriya likes this.
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    275
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Read your posts. You have been in this forum for last 7 years or so. It is very clear that your wife just wants to enjoy the social status of marriage but not the commitments associated with it.

    every person advising you will be advising you in the same line, just different manner. that is what i mean, you can spend hours in this forum but it would still be your marriage can only be saved, if your wife agrees to work with you.
     
  7. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    285
    Likes Received:
    464
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Just as information, most gulf jobs are oil sector based and do not have much scope in India. Actually, life in the ME is quite tedious and given half the salary, most would move back to India.. There is a reason we go through the harsh weather and hostile conditions..
    Its not like he lied about his plans on living in UAE.. The pblm is not the place but the person, there is something we don't know..
     
    aksdxb likes this.
  8. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,252
    Likes Received:
    2,374
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Ya, right.

    I, for once,want to know HOW is she managing to get all that time !..with a family to care for ...!?

    When I am struggling to find time to talk to people I grew up with ‍:worship2:
     
  9. aldwm

    aldwm New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    I think a clear cut talk in a closed room can help to clear all the if's and but's. no involvement of any third party.talk, discuss, question,where this relationship is going and what's the future? what she want? and what you want.If divorce is on your mind let her know this. seek her reply. such kinda relationship out of wedlock by husband/wife for what so reason is wrong and will be for me. no one knows if meetup is planned where it lands and then what turn it takes.
     
    BhumiBabe likes this.

Share This Page