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Caught Between Mother And Mother-in-law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pni, Jun 13, 2019.

  1. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Your MIL helped during the second pregnancy..Wasn't that on the basis that it was her son's child? Why does you husband behave like it was a favor only for you? Tell him he is obliged to help his mom and make an arrangement just like you are doing..Don't take the headache of your MIL solely on your head especially when her another son lives in the same city..To be honest, the setup created for your mom is understandable since her son lives abroad..Not many would like to relocate abroad in old age..
     
    pocahontas, Rihana and shravs3 like this.
  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like the way for you to get out of this situation is for you to fight as well n not be in talking terms with them, then you can also behave like the other brothers.

    First of all, your fight should be for equal responsibility..
    6 months your brother takes care of your mom.
    N 6 months your bil takes care of your mil.
    Fight as much as you can for it.

    If that fails, second option is to make your life easier with the money.
    How?
    Hire enough help, don’t give in. Say you can’t take it anymore. Or say you are going to end up in hospital.

    Live in nurse / help for your mom. So if she faints again, someone is there along with her n also stay at the hospital n all, this is much better than an old age home option.

    Get a live-in at your home too, who can take your mil for her appointments, cook, clean.

    This way, you can manage both in a much better/ easier way. Enough with the running around.

    I believe that it’s our responsibility to take care of our parents. But it’s upto you to find a way to manage it in a sane way. Don’t lose yourself in this mess. You have a kid too that needs you.
     
  3. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel very bad for you and really furious at how selfish the guys are in this situation ( your brother and BIL). How selfish your SIL and Co-sister are, wow. This is just terrible.

    You make both of them to pay for a nurse for your MIL and Mom and you take some rest.
    Let the nurse take care of running to the hospital, buying medicines and caring for them. Let your bro and BIL pay (50k-70k) each month for the nurse. Tell them point blank you cant do this anymore.Your kids and your health are a priority. period.

    There are many agencies in big cities where you can hire a home nurse. Let them spend the money or share the burden.
     
    Radha99 likes this.
  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    every word written by @yellowmango mango is 100 per cent right . I am sorry but you are being taken advantage of and no one can help you if you dont stand up for yourself .
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    What is the equation between your mom and MIL. If they are in good terms is it possible to bring your mom also in to your home. I know a family with that set up as kids stay in USA, mil and mom in their home in India. Then you can hire nurse to attend their needs. Anyway you have to hire help to manage this situation if you handle it alone. You dont have to take financial responsibility, let other kids of moms share it with you.

    Your MIL take care of you during pregnancy, good, but your mom take care you all these life. Which is more valuable? You need to give preference to mom while helping your dh to take care of his mom. Its his responsibility than yours. Let him do his part well before asking you to do so.

    If its not possible, you need to figure out what you can do and what you cannot. Be firm and fight for your rights. you need to take care yourself well. If you don't stand for yourself, everyone will take you for granted and use you to maximum. Learn to say NO wherever needed.
     
    Anusha2917 likes this.
  6. pni

    pni New IL'ite

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    Thanks you very much for all your inputs. Saying no is the biggest challenge now. I dunno how to say it. This all started with my bro. telling to put mom in a home.My husband sticked to this without mentioning old age home. I tried telling its bil responsibility too to care his mom, but he turns deaf ear, says don't bring him into this. My fil stayed with bil family in his last stage, so he says he will take care of mil till last stage and want me to support him. Anyways, i am making my mind to say no and concentrate on my health as of now. Thanks once again to all ladies for ur wonderfull responses.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I agree with @yellowmango

    It was pretty cheap of your husband to tell you to send your mother away. All because of a missed appt? Will your BIL say sh!t like this to his wife? NO matter how much people can't get along, it is plain humanity to take someone to the appt especially if they are not doing this on a regular basis. How much effort does it take to sit quietly in a car and get to the Doc's place?

    realize your worth. You are not seeing how valuable you are in keeping this show running and these people are taking you for granted. Show them you know you are worth and watch them back off.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  8. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    I don't think your bil or your brother will take up equal physical responsibility. So work something that works for you in the long run.

    Sit calmy with your husband and work out something that works for *you* both*.
    If your mil's room is big enough or you have a spare room consider shifting mom in to your home.

    1. Keep nurses who will also take your mom/mil to appointments. Your bil can pitch in and be responsible for your mil's appointments when he can.

    2. Keep a driver even if you drive. You can accompany when you can.

    3. The nurses can be primary caretakers in hospital. But your bil should also pitch in for your mil when she is admitted. 50% presence from his side since you can't ignore your kids for long.

    4. Keep a maid to cook and clean for your home so you are not spread thin.

    If your mom can't be brought in to your home, keep full time aid in her home so that she is never alone.

    If your mil took care of you during your second pregnancy, tell your husband that you are thankful. Even otherwise, you would never ask him to put his mom in a old age home even if you are the one slogging. But ask the same favour from him. He should support you in caring for your mom as well. Missing one physio appointment is not end of the world. You are trying your best. That is all anyone can do.

    You have a good heart. Take care of yourself so you can be there for all those who depend on you.
     
    Agathinai likes this.
  9. pni

    pni New IL'ite

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    Ty ladies again. I know mil s two brothers responsibility. Both r doing business. most of the time thay r out of town on business work. so they pushed respobsibility on me. bil's family s nt helping on time, he also knows that well. His answer s cosister wont listen to him. He s supporting his wife saying mil didnt support her like she did to me and bil and cosis are nt close enough like me and husband, so he cannot tell her to help mil. i dont know wat t tell him. He has a teenage daughter going to college cant she help her grandmother? i am planning t bring mom to a vacant flat in our appt for now. I will see hw it works.
     

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