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Caught Between Mother And Mother-in-law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pni, Jun 13, 2019 at 3:29 PM.

  1. pni

    pni New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,
    I am n urgent need of a solution to my problem. Married with two kids. Mom and mil are single now. Both are over 60 yrs. I am taking care of them for past three years. I hv an elder brother, married and living abroad with family. I keep my mother in a nearby house. He takes of for financial help to mom. She has help for cooking and cleaning. I drop in and check on her every alternate days.
    My mil is staying with us for past would years. Husband has an elder brother and he is staying in the same city with his family and kids. Now coming to the problem, mil and mom are getting sick often. I am finding it very difficult to handle both physically at on time. Being the youngest adult in both side of the families, I am made to take care them. My bill and cosister are not willing to keep mil for few months in their care, mil is also resisting to go their house. The reason is mil and cosister not in talking term with each other. So bil is saying, he will provide money, hv mil with you. My husband s just obeying his words. In my side, my mil has been maintaining distance from us ever since she got to my brother. She won't call, enquire or talk to us. My brother s also bothered to make manni to mingle with our family. Nw bro. S working in a remote place and manni and kids are in different city in another country. Mom is not willing to go sil's house, becoz they are not in good term. Now I am caught in between the fights of four ladies and responsible t take care of two elders.
    Am tired shouldering all responsibilities on me. Nowaday, I too fall sick very often. I am unable to concentrate on kids studies. Seeing all this, my husb. s pressuring me to take care of his mother at home and to send my mom to bro. house or relatives house. i dunno what to do...... brother s telling me to put her in a old age home. am confused
     
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  2. pni

    pni New IL'ite

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    sory for the.long post and thanks for taking time to read.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Do what the brother says about your mom. And have the company bill him directly for the expenses.

    Looks like you have no money issues. People will pay the bills.

    I found on the internet several companies* offering services for home healthcare/ nursing care. Call a few of them and get estimates. Make a complete budget with the most expensive estimate. Remember to add your contribution (administrative/planning costs) and your continuing operational cost into that as well. Add it all up and have your husband bill his brother for the expense.

    Go to a doctor and take care of your health. After all you need to be fit and strong to administer all these things -- one old lady in an old people home, and another one at home with you. If your mother can talk up the comforts of her care-home whenever she talks to your MIL, eventually your MIL would want to get out there and live it up with the other people of her own age.

    ----------------------------------------
    *type < home healthcare companies in India >
    in google search and see the list.
     
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  4. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    I am bit confused on reading your thread.

    From what I gathered and understood:

    Your mum stays nearby you and has financial support and house help for her stay there. She doesn’t have good rapport with your sil and so your brother is happy to support her in all possible ways financially but doesn’t want her over there, and your mum is also comfortable over this arrangement.

    Your mil stays with you. Likewise she doesn’t have good rapport with your cosister and hence your bil is happy to support financially whilst she stays with you.

    Since both are getting sick you are stressed.

    To make things simple all you need is more help. Organise someone to specifically take care your mil needs like cooking for her and for her household issues. There is no mention about how much help you have with regards to it.

    Allocation of work to others is just going to be the solution. Ask your brother to put in more financial help for these things. Ask the same from bil as you as the main caretaker needs to sort these issues. They are relieved to do physical help but they should be helping more financially.

    Get some helper/domestic helpers etc and that’s what is going for help you.

    Btw I am not clear about your husband’s decision - ? to send your mum away but make his mum(your mil) stay with you? Am I right in this understanding or did you mean it any other way? I didn’t catch you here.
     
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  5. pni

    pni New IL'ite

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    Thanks for repyling amulet. Yes, money is not an issue, my brother is willing to send any amt of money to take care of mom. Even my bil would pay for mil. Help is already available in both homes. this another headache, every few months, i need to find someone new. My concern s someone need to be with them when they fall sick or get hospitalised, everytime it is me, leaving my kid to neighbour or other relatives, i stay with them and attend till they get bk to normal. Mom has noone other than me, i need to be there at any cost. but for mil, always it is me and husband, bil just gives money, thats making me sick and irritating.sometimes, when husband goes out of town on work, this becomes even more complicated. I need help to convince my bil or brother to keep their mom for sometime, so dat i will a regain energy to support them. I feel drepressed now a days.
     
  6. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    That’s more clear.

    Why don’t you have someone, like stay at home domestic help/carer. She might just add on to your already existing helpers. In this way she might take your mum/mil to their check ups and might even stay with them in case of hospitalisation. You might have her stay with your mum in her house with the instructions about the need to take care of your mil as needs arise. That’s better in the long run and frees you to juggle both households. Just my suggestion.

    You need to have a health check up as well. Look into it and see a doctor for same.
     
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  7. pni

    pni New IL'ite

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    Thanks for replying agathinai. You have understood correctly. Moneywise, no issue, both of them can provide howmuch ever is needed. At mom home, we have help for cooking, and all cleaning and washing work. I check on then every two days. Even in my jome, except cooking have help for all works. This was the setup made and going fine for last few years. Now, both are geeting sick for one or other reason. recently mom fainted inside d house, had to break open tge door, was taken to hospiital admitted, and i stayed with her for three days. That time mil was having joint pain issues, husband was angry to leave my kid under d care of mil and neighbour. she had physiotheraphy appt, bil also not in town. cosister refused to help. atlast missed the doctors appt, so he got angry and want to leave my mom in someones care.
    According to him, mil supported us during my secong preganancy. we were struggling with infertiliy issues, blessed with one child, i again got pregnant wen she was nine month old. i culdnt manage pregancy and infant sametime, so he sent me to mil place. fil and mil took care of us till my second one was seven month. my mom at that time had sil and her second delivery at her home, so she was hesitant to call me and told to go to mil place. Now he is bringing up all that now, and wants me to prioritise mil over my mom.
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all tell your husband to eff off.
    How dare he tell you to send away your mother and take care of his mother.What a selfish man!
    Two brothers can't take care of their mother?
    Tell him it is your mother who raised you and cleaned your filthy butt and since you are the only one around in the city for her...you are her primary care taker.

    Ask your brother to send more money and keep a nurse for her along with maid and cook .

    Spend a day or two per week with her along with kids ...just like mil gets to spend time with her son and kids. It is easier to spend time with mom. Her cook will cook for you all too. Consider it a break for yourself.
    When your mom needs to go to hospital...you take responsibilty for that.

    Mil stays with you people. If she needs a nurse or caretaker,get bil to pay for it .

    Get more help at home for yourself . Get a cook .

    When mil needs to go to hospital or hospitalization ,make your husband and bil do that . They can take turns.
    Tell them you cannot do this as you are doing it for your mother and they both have to take on this responsibility.

    Hospital and hospitalization should be completely the responsibility of mil's two sons.
    Tell them if you fall sick then mil will have to be completely taken care of by them.


    I feel for you op. Caretaking is a tough job .
    Take care of yourself first.
    Don't be scared to voice your opinion and don't be hesitant to ask for money for help.

    Lots of hugs and wishes to you.
     
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  9. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to be blunt, I find your husband’s reply insensitive. Looks like the age old tradition by guys, that their own mum( patriarchial) is the one who should be cared and deserves the right to be at home.

    Your mum and his mum should be equally treated and that’s my view. Your mum had her own reasons for not being able to support you whilst you were pregnant. That doesn’t in any way show that she doesn’t love you or your kids nor does it mean that she was biased.

    Here your mum is already staying away and I felt she herself must had realised that to stay with her daughter isn’t going to work out. So she has tried to stay away and make less problems.

    Hm, I am wondering what would your husband do if the tables were turned? Like your mil stays nearby and your mum stays with you, or if you had asked him to make his mum( your mil) to be put in old aged home whilst you wish to have your mum in your house?!

    I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way but just couldn’t digest that we are still entrenched in such patriarchal thoughts. Seems we have a long way to go.

    Do have a good discussion with all family members and find solutions.

    Good luck for you to solve your problem.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2019 at 4:56 PM
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell him you have been taking care of her much longer than she took care of you so he should not use that nonsense to manipulate you.

    Op....they need you .
    Don't take nonsense from the two brothers.
    Call them and have a talk with them.
    Tell them you are fine taking care of mil at home but can't make the hospital trips or you will fall physically and mentally sick .Tell them it is not an option .

    And tell them not to dare tell you to send your mom away when she is living seperately from them in her house while you are taking care of their mother in your home living with her.

    Shameless sons!!!

    If I were in your place,I would have moved to mom's place till the two shameless guys came to beg to be back on my terms.
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2019 at 5:03 PM
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