1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Care Of Old Parents In Dysfunctional Families

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,395
    Likes Received:
    3,963
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Long term (emotional) hostages can become somewhat attached to their captors. Abused children/spouses go through this a lot in all societies.
    No easy escape. Your childhood friend's immediate family has to take care of her.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
    nakshatra1 and Rihana like this.
  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    378
    Likes Received:
    401
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    - Parents spending without proper planning for their own care at old age and make it children's responsibility to take care of their financial needs.
    Unfortunately, many times the responsibility is not equally distributed among daughters and sons, putting undue burden on the one who cares.
    - if a son spends on parents, wife has no right to say anything in spite of the fact that directly affects her and her children.
    Wife should be consulted and involved in the planning unless the wife earns and takes care of her family. In some cases husband and wife's finances are independent and kept separate with each others understanding.
    - wife demanding that husband is a sole provider and spends without regard to their affordability and then fight with husband when he takes care of his parents.
    In today's world, marriage is a 50/50 all the way that includes earning; especially when husband's earning is not enough to support the family.
    - wife keeps her earning in her account
    Expecting husband to spend his earning on everything and not contribute anything. They can budget/plan and equally share on house hold expenses and each save what is left
    - mentally abusing old parents.
    This is kept a secret in Indian society.
    - Taking dowry
    Not realizing that your son is bought by the girls parents and the wife can feel she has the right to control over what husband does.
    - Children in US expecting parents to come and babysit.
    Buying a ticket is not nearly equals the work they do in your homes - caring for children, cooking and cleaning. There are many instances, parents are reluctant to say "NO" to their children and not eagerly coming. They enjoy the first time, but not live here for 6 months as a nanny. I am sure no one will agree, but, I have heard parents expressing this very subtly.
     
    vrikshakadali, hermitcrab and Rihana like this.
  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    378
    Likes Received:
    401
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    The truth is children did not ask to be born. Therefore, it is the primary duty and responsibility of the parents to provide the children that they brought into this world a home, food clothing and education to make them a productive citizen of the country. Children are not one's property, they are also the future citizens of the country.
    One should not have the children with a selfish motive to be cared for in the old age. One can choose not to have a child and plan to take care of themselves in the old age. There is nothing wrong with that.
     
  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    378
    Likes Received:
    401
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    How can anybody justify such selfish parents and talk about duty? If it makes you feel any better and can afford pay for someone else to take care of your parents. Take it as a lesson learned and don't repeat the mistakes with your children. As long as society perpetuates the sentiment that it is child's duty to take care and they have control over grown adult children or children are born to take care of their parents, nothing changes. Things will change when they understand that when you bring children into this world the duty lies with the parents. If you bring up children with selfless unconditional love and develop good friendly relationship with your children, they will automatically reciprocate.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    378
    Likes Received:
    401
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Anyways taking care of parents is our duty ….
    be magnanimous ….
    children should take care of parents ….
    do her duty …
    parents , they are also human , they have expectations from children …

    You are not in that child's shoes, except beating the dead horse.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,371
    Likes Received:
    25,136
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Seriously, I wonder what percentage of families in India are NOT dysfunctional. Would be an interesting study!

    Again shoulds and shouldn'ts are very subjective. If your friend were the only child, I would probably say she should take care of her parents - however resentfully. Just be over and done with it, but in this case she has brothers who are the favourite off-spring. So let them take care of the parents. Why should the parents expect her to take care of them? After all they threw out (in a socially 'acceptable' manner) the daughter before she was legally an adult. In such absence of family feeling, why should she feel guilty of not taking care of them? But again, if she feels so guilty it is really upto her to decide. How can they accept favours from the 'paraya dhan'?
     
    NeetaR, Rihana, sindmani and 2 others like this.
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,371
    Likes Received:
    25,136
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Duplicate post. Please delete.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,882
    Likes Received:
    6,695
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Male
    You know this famous Tolstoy quote don't you?
    "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."(Anna Karenina).
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,689
    Likes Received:
    3,025
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @Rihana
    Sad state your friend is in.

    When you say they blame her for the son’s failures I couldn’t understand what exactly you mean? Is it like ‘this is all your fault that he is sitting home without a job!’ Which doesn’t make sense at all! Or is it like ‘ oh that Maharani is happily enjoying in phoren while her poor brothers ( and parents) are struggling so much here and she doesn’t even care?’ <—- As in she is expected to pitch in with support/money for family and brothers??
     
    Rihana likes this.
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,470
    Likes Received:
    8,555
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Who brought up all the last issues? She did? If she has not moved on then everyone else trying to ask her to think logically is futile.

    It’s easier to distance oneself emotionally when it’s the PILs Vs parents, no?

    I think she might have brought up the past in the hopes of them accepting their past wrong doings and giving her the closure she is looking for. Unfortunately the continuing behavior of her folks don’t seem to suggest any kind of remorse.

    Ask her if she is ok with one of her kids taking such treatment from someone(including her). If it’s not okay for her kids to be bullied like that, shouldn’t she set some sort of precedent by acting in a way she wants the kids to emulate? If it were my friend, I would ask her this.
    Also, look for ways she can get closure and put the past away. She probably needs help there. If she is able to stop getting hurt by the past, then probably she will be more receptive to suggestions on maintaining some distance.
    JMO. Take it with a ton of salt.
     
    Rihana and satchitananda like this.

Share This Page