Can't Connect With This Friend Though We Are Long Time Friends

hridhaya · May 29, 2018

Hi all,
Is it possible that you know someone very well for many years yet you can't connect emotionally and continue to feel emptiness in the relationship?

This happens to me most times when I talk to my neighbor whom I know for the last 7 years.

She and I started hanging out together when our kids were young and used to play together. From then on, we have spent a lot of time together and got to know each other very well. Even now, we are there for one another at all times. Still i feel distant from her and don't enjoy her company.

We are totally different in terms of personalities. She is the chatty type and am conscious of what I say. I like to ask questions about the other person but she likes to talk about herself a lot. I like to think and talk deep but she likes to talk about herself, her childhood, her family and kids. Our upbringings are different as well and there are a number of other differences in ways we operate our every day lives.
I understand each person is different but I am not getting what I want from the relationship. I would like that the person whom I talk to a lot to be my best friend but it's not. I feel annoyed and I can't do anything about this.

My husband says men don't complicate relationships and don't expect emotional gratification from another man. In our relationship, everything is perfect except emotional connect. I don't know what she feels about me.

I am unable to ignore this as I feel more lonely and angry after I talk to her as my needs are not met. How can I change myself from being upset?

messedup · May 29, 2018

I felt this many times. From my experience I felt that if we meet a person with similar situation then we feel connected but once the situation change we start connecting to the person which solely depends on their behaviour and personality. Differences are always there. Just try to give her the minimum time and don't feel bad about it.

HazelPup · May 30, 2018

hridhaya said: ↑

unable to ignore this as I feel more lonely and angry after I talk to her as my needs are not met
Click to expand...

Firstly though it is easy for me to say have least expectations but trust me I have least problem with less expectations. Recently happen to speak to a friend after a long time. She said “if I don’t feel good after speaking with someone and if a conversation makes me feel low and insecure why would I continue with it”. I think the answer to your question is here. It’s your choice and you can decide to maintain neutral and minimal relationship such that you are not affected and move on. Just because we know someone for a long time doesn’t mean we need to be comfortable always.

anika987 · May 30, 2018

hridhaya said: ↑

Hi all,
Is it possible that you know someone very well for many years yet you can't connect emotionally and continue to feel emptiness in the relationship?

This happens to me most times when I talk to my neighbor whom I know for the last 7 years.

She and I started hanging out together when our kids were young and used to play together. From then on, we have spent a lot of time together and got to know each other very well. Even now, we are there for one another at all times. Still i feel distant from her and don't enjoy her company.

We are totally different in terms of personalities. She is the chatty type and am conscious of what I say. I like to ask questions about the other person but she likes to talk about herself a lot. I like to think and talk deep but she likes to talk about herself, her childhood, her family and kids. Our upbringings are different as well and there are a number of other differences in ways we operate our every day lives.
I understand each person is different but I am not getting what I want from the relationship. I would like that the person whom I talk to a lot to be my best friend but it's not. I feel annoyed and I can't do anything about this.

My husband says men don't complicate relationships and don't expect emotional gratification from another man. In our relationship, everything is perfect except emotional connect. I don't know what she feels about me.

I am unable to ignore this as I feel more lonely and angry after I talk to her as my needs are not met. How can I change myself from being upset?
Click to expand...

I was YOU few years back...
trust me when I say when it comes to friendships or any relationship for that matter..it has to work naturally and never forced.even long time best friendships fizzle after a while.

Your husband is 100 percent right.Just go with the flow.it either clicks or not.Stop expecting and peace prevails.You be you and let her be herself.As long as you both are civil with each other and not trouble anyone,just talk to her and let it go.Do not force friendship from your side or her side.

She is not the only person in this world.Just be nice to your neighbor.Like an acquaintance. why complicate by expectations?You will be more accepting of this fact after few years.

boby · May 30, 2018

hridhaya said: ↑

Hi all,
Is it possible that you know someone very well for many years yet you can't connect emotionally and continue to feel emptiness in the relationship?

This happens to me most times when I talk to my neighbor whom I know for the last 7 years.

She and I started hanging out together when our kids were young and used to play together. From then on, we have spent a lot of time together and got to know each other very well. Even now, we are there for one another at all times. Still i feel distant from her and don't enjoy her company.

We are totally different in terms of personalities. She is the chatty type and am conscious of what I say. I like to ask questions about the other person but she likes to talk about herself a lot. I like to think and talk deep but she likes to talk about herself, her childhood, her family and kids. Our upbringings are different as well and there are a number of other differences in ways we operate our every day lives.
I understand each person is different but I am not getting what I want from the relationship. I would like that the person whom I talk to a lot to be my best friend but it's not. I feel annoyed and I can't do anything about this.

My husband says men don't complicate relationships and don't expect emotional gratification from another man. In our relationship, everything is perfect except emotional connect. I don't know what she feels about me.

I am unable to ignore this as I feel more lonely and angry after I talk to her as my needs are not met. How can I change myself from being upset?
Click to expand...

When you like to listen and she likes to talk I think that is the perfect combination. Just imagine when both of you are chatty and like to talk about themselves and doesn't listen what the other person says. I think the main problem here is the compatibility issue. Having different perceptions and tastes.But even that should not stop if there is a lot of dependency on each other. You will develop the bond naturally.Just enjoy the company without expectations. You will feel much better.

hridhaya · May 30, 2018

All, thank you for the replies. partly this could be my expectations issue that she should be like me. At the same time, am irritated when I am standing like a wall listening to some irrelevant stuff.

Like @boby mentioned, this cant be cut off as we are sort of dependent on each other. So I need to keep my cool.