Cannot Feel Love Towards My Mother. Am I Wrong? If Yes, What Should I Do?

prestine · May 17, 2017

ShabnamF said: ↑

All of you have been repeatedly advising me to move out of my home. The thought of it sounds good to me but this is what is holding me back-

1. My parents keep fighting all the time, over petty things, sometimes over nothing at all, they don't have each other's support. Especially my father does not know how to take care of my mother.
2. My mother is old, she keeps falling ill every now and then. I fear that if I move away now I may be missing out on the last few years of her life.
3. My elder brother lives abroad and my younger brother is also trying to move abroad, my parents will be left alone,
4. Most importantly, I am scared of the way she will react to me moving out.
Click to expand...

Hi shabnam,

Those were the reason's given by you to convince yourself. May be those reasons are the one that is making you powerless.

Once in your life take the power in hands, move out and see the world. If you feel, you can't live without them even though they are pain in a$$, move in again.

blessings1010 · May 18, 2017

hermitcrab said: ↑

Blessings1010,
Please send it to me in PM. Loved reading what you wrote here.
Click to expand...

Sure @hermitcrab, I will send it to you tomorrow.

blessings1010 · May 18, 2017

ShabnamF said: ↑

In the past whenever I have tried doing this I have had to face her emotional blackmail, she has ego problems and can never agree that she was wrong. She will cry and make a scene that I don't value her sacrifices and I am not grateful.

I am taking meds seriously. The idea about throwing a googly sounds too good. I will try that.

I realize that I have done this a lot in the past. Doing this either bcoz she will feel bad if I don't or just to please her.

Currently I am trying my best to do this.

Thanks

I truly believe in this.
Click to expand...

Hello Shabnam, You got a good suggestion here. If clean break never worked well with your mom in the past, this suggestion of seeing her reaction to moving out is too good.

Do you have to work in the same city? is there any chance of working from a different location? if yes, do mention your intention to move away to your mom and dad ( preferably together), multiple times. They both need to hear it together. Reason: they both might have a different reaction towards it. IF nothing, this will give them one more reason to fight. Let them! Pls let them fight it out. You only listen/ observe their reaction without expecting anything favorable for you in that fight.

IF the narcissist article is true for your mom/dad, they both will try to blame you or each other for this simple intention to move. You stick with your reason- either you want to be close to workplace/ anything else. It is very hard but try not to expect anything from them at this point. Emotionally try not to involve in their fights. IT is beyond your control. When you get hurt, shout out loud that you still forgive her. First 100-200 times you will feel it is BS. But your mind will start accepting it and will make your resolve to move out more strong.

They may think that you are bluffing. If that happens, do take your mom to show a couple of places you want to move into. Let her see/ feel that you can and will eventually move out and away. It will not be pleasant. But this might give you one more chance to see her reaction.

Finally, a little distance is always better and easier when you are healing. Try to make friends or just plain acquaintances outside home and workplace. You never know who will bring a smile to you.

If moving away and out is not possible, try to stay away from home after work as much as possible. On weekends, and in your free times, do visit your friends/ colleagues/ or try out other things which relax you. Let her and your father see that you have a fun life outside the home. During this time, try not to solve the issues which are not in your control. The intention is- they need to stop looking at you as a sounding board for the problems created by themselves. If there is a genuine reason for you to help out, you will help anyway. But they need to see that you are there for some time. Just like your brothers, you will have to eventually move out sooner or later. Doing this, you are just helping them to start being co-dependent on each other. If they get it, life will seriously be ok for them and for all of you. If not, you might want to move away permanently. I get it that you do not want to miss out on the days to be with your mother. But if you can travel back to her when there is a need, you may not miss out much.

Laks09 · May 18, 2017

@ShabnamF - Hugs. You are doing all you can given your circumstances. You have been a great daughter. Don't let anyone, even your parents make you feel otherwise.
It's your mom's ill luck that she fails to see you and your gestures. It's her and not you. I hope you are able to convince yourself that you have and are doing the best you can for her. You were never the problem. Your dad isn't the issue. Some people in dysfunctional marriages are still able to be good moms and dads. A parent chooses to have kids, they shouldn't victimize them or penalize them for things that aren't related to them.

I echo the other posters sentiments here. You aren't feeling anything that I wouldn't feel in your situation. Your feelings are real and valid. You should make yourself your first priority. You are trying to get treated for depression and depression isn't easy to overcome. You need an environment conducive to your emotional wellbeing. As others have suggested, you should move out. Find a change of venue work wise and use that excuse to move to a different city. I'm sure the experience of living by yourself will be challenging and intimidating at first but that will also make you truly independent. It's something that I think every adult should do before getting married.

I hope in time you are able to overcome the hurt and move on. I hope you find fulfillment in whatever you choose to do.

Shanvy · May 18, 2017

@ShabnamF i was wishing that your parents don't tick the box of not being interested in marrying you off. Sigh you just slashed that too.

It is easy for the ones who are able to call their mom's for support anytime of the day. They are secure in the love from her that it is difficult for them to understand.

There was a article that a child who undergoes narcissitic abuse suffers from anxiety related issues and more. The toxicity of being singled out and targeted leaves a lot of scarring.

The best thing for you is a little time away to explore without needing any validation from your mother. Believe me it would be liberating to feel the freedom of not thinking of how she will react, will she aproove or accept. If you were to ask her why they quarrel she would lay the blame at your feet. Evey failure would be because of you.
And you are the ungrateful b*** who is not validating their sacrifices..

A small glimpse of affection. A pat on the back or a hug is all you need to be free of all the hurt. But here is brutal honesty even if she were to do it, you will be wondering why now and what ahe wants, because that is how it is.

Sometimes stop looking for validation or expecting love from the one person who cannot give you that is the only way out.

someone educated, who has been working and has exposure beyond her family and is adult enough to understand what is right or wrong yet has been making your life miserable.. i may be the smallest percentage here who argue that a mom can really be bad. And look at our conditining even for the small sample here, people take offense if we say leave your mom while it is fine to leave the mil, and they help you find ways to do that. And that conditioning is what is making it difficult for you.

Love, say your mom has a more years to live, are you going to live the life of sacrificing yourself for a small glimpse of her love and her asking you sorry. Wake up and understand that by then you may even be in your 40's and still waiting for it. Take the reins of your life and live your life child. Who knows you may even find that love.
You may even feel great when you move out. So try it .
Talk to them about moving and be strong don't get cornered by their emotional spew..
Live your life too..
Hugs and loads of strength..

ShabnamF · May 18, 2017

blessings1010 said: ↑

Hello Shabnam, You got a good suggestion here. If clean break never worked well with your mom in the past, this suggestion of seeing her reaction to moving out is too good.

Do you have to work in the same city? is there any chance of working from a different location? if yes, do mention your intention to move away to your mom and dad ( preferably together), multiple times. They both need to hear it together. Reason: they both might have a different reaction towards it. IF nothing, this will give them one more reason to fight. Let them! Pls let them fight it out. You only listen/ observe their reaction without expecting anything favorable for you in that fight.

IF the narcissist article is true for your mom/dad, they both will try to blame you or each other for this simple intention to move. You stick with your reason- either you want to be close to workplace/ anything else. It is very hard but try not to expect anything from them at this point. Emotionally try not to involve in their fights. IT is beyond your control. When you get hurt, shout out loud that you still forgive her. First 100-200 times you will feel it is BS. But your mind will start accepting it and will make your resolve to move out more strong.

They may think that you are bluffing. If that happens, do take your mom to show a couple of places you want to move into. Let her see/ feel that you can and will eventually move out and away. It will not be pleasant. But this might give you one more chance to see her reaction.

Finally, a little distance is always better and easier when you are healing. Try to make friends or just plain acquaintances outside home and workplace. You never know who will bring a smile to you.

If moving away and out is not possible, try to stay away from home after work as much as possible. On weekends, and in your free times, do visit your friends/ colleagues/ or try out other things which relax you. Let her and your father see that you have a fun life outside the home. During this time, try not to solve the issues which are not in your control. The intention is- they need to stop looking at you as a sounding board for the problems created by themselves. If there is a genuine reason for you to help out, you will help anyway. But they need to see that you are there for some time. Just like your brothers, you will have to eventually move out sooner or later. Doing this, you are just helping them to start being co-dependent on each other. If they get it, life will seriously be ok for them and for all of you. If not, you might want to move away permanently. I get it that you do not want to miss out on the days to be with your mother. But if you can travel back to her when there is a need, you may not miss out much.
Click to expand...

Yes, I am currently not in a position to take a job in a different city. My Mother may not but my Father will definitely try to blame my decision to move out on my mother. I do go out a lot when I am not working. I get out of city at least once in 2 months. I go out on weekends too, meet my frnds and all that. I used to bother a lot about how my mother would react if I do something, but I have stopped being bothered over the past few months.

ShabnamF · May 18, 2017

Laks09 said: ↑

@ShabnamF - Hugs. You are doing all you can given your circumstances. You have been a great daughter. Don't let anyone, even your parents make you feel otherwise.
It's your mom's ill luck that she fails to see you and your gestures. It's her and not you. I hope you are able to convince yourself that you have and are doing the best you can for her. You were never the problem. Your dad isn't the issue. Some people in dysfunctional marriages are still able to be good moms and dads. A parent chooses to have kids, they shouldn't victimize them or penalize them for things that aren't related to them.

I echo the other posters sentiments here. You aren't feeling anything that I wouldn't feel in your situation. Your feelings are real and valid. You should make yourself your first priority. You are trying to get treated for depression and depression isn't easy to overcome. You need an environment conducive to your emotional wellbeing. As others have suggested, you should move out. Find a change of venue work wise and use that excuse to move to a different city. I'm sure the experience of living by yourself will be challenging and intimidating at first but that will also make you truly independent. It's something that I think every adult should do before getting married.

I hope in time you are able to overcome the hurt and move on. I hope you find fulfillment in whatever you choose to do.
Click to expand...

Hugs back to you dear. Thanks a lot for the supportive and encouraging words. I am hoping that I will move out of my home, I am not sure how soon this can be done but it is on my mind now.

ShabnamF · May 18, 2017

Shanvy said: ↑

@ShabnamF i was wishing that your parents don't tick the box of not being interested in marrying you off. Sigh you just slashed that too.

It is easy for the ones who are able to call their mom's for support anytime of the day. They are secure in the love from her that it is difficult for them to understand.

There was a article that a child who undergoes narcissitic abuse suffers from anxiety related issues and more. The toxicity of being singled out and targeted leaves a lot of scarring.

The best thing for you is a little time away to explore without needing any validation from your mother. Believe me it would be liberating to feel the freedom of not thinking of how she will react, will she aproove or accept. If you were to ask her why they quarrel she would lay the blame at your feet. Evey failure would be because of you.
And you are the ungrateful b*** who is not validating their sacrifices..

A small glimpse of affection. A pat on the back or a hug is all you need to be free of all the hurt. But here is brutal honesty even if she were to do it, you will be wondering why now and what ahe wants, because that is how it is.

Sometimes stop looking for validation or expecting love from the one person who cannot give you that is the only way out.

someone educated, who has been working and has exposure beyond her family and is adult enough to understand what is right or wrong yet has been making your life miserable.. i may be the smallest percentage here who argue that a mom can really be bad. And look at our conditining even for the small sample here, people take offense if we say leave your mom while it is fine to leave the mil, and they help you find ways to do that. And that conditioning is what is making it difficult for you.

Love, say your mom has a more years to live, are you going to live the life of sacrificing yourself for a small glimpse of her love and her asking you sorry. Wake up and understand that by then you may even be in your 40's and still waiting for it. Take the reins of your life and live your life child. Who knows you may even find that love.
You may even feel great when you move out. So try it .
Talk to them about moving and be strong don't get cornered by their emotional spew..
Live your life too..
Hugs and loads of strength..
Click to expand...

Hugs back to you Shanvy. Well, unfortunately, they don't seem worried about my future, even if they are, they have not communicated anything to me. No, my mother does not blame her quarrels with my father on me, she blames it on my father. A few times she has also accepted that she overreacts and she should not be so rude with my father. The problem here is my father can easily piss off anyone, even I get irritated with him a lot. But mostly I choose to ignore, trying to reason with him is similar to trying to make a wall talk. My mother cannot ignore it and they end up fighting. So half the time it's my father's mistake and half the time my mother overreacts.
I have tried telling the both of them that they should try to understand each other and should stop fighting. My mother tells me that their fighting should not bother me, no matter how much I try to explain she does not understand that their fighting bothers me a lot. My father on the other hand gives reasons that are totally unrelated to the topic, it's just a waste of time trying to reason with him.

True, a lot of people cannot understand that mothers can be really bad. Thanks a lot for the support Shanvy.

SGA · May 18, 2017

@ShabnamF

Nothing will change till you change your thinking .....

I see that u want to bury yourself in past again n again ????? Is this really helping you to recover ...... NO

Have you ever wonder .. Y do we remember only bitter memories related to any person ...Have they not done any thing good to us ????? which we can relate to .....

Broken engagement ????? Thank god that u are saved.....Its a blessing dear , No matter what others say ... U think about it in a positive way ....

Forgive your mother, because till you do it, you wont be at peace at your heart ( DO it for yourself not for anyone else ) .......Speak to her openly for all the things you have gone through , u will feel light...

FREE YOURSELF FROM ALL HATRED ... Its not doing anything good to you

PS :: i m telling you to forgive so that you are free ... i wont comment on your family what wrong happened and not

ShabnamF · May 18, 2017

SGA said: ↑

I see that u want to bury yourself in past again n again ?????
Click to expand...

I totally disagree with this. I only brought up the past in this post so I could make you all understand the kind of relationship I have with my mother. I am only trying to find an answer to my current issues. I only wanted to ask if what I am doing right now is okay or if I should change.

I am totally okay with my broken engagement, I joke with my friends about it now. I don't know what made you feel that I am burying myself in my past. Of course, there are some incidents that I can never erase from my memory but it's not like I re-visit those memories every day.

SGA said: ↑

Have they not done any thing good to us ????? which we can relate to .....
Click to expand...

Yes, she is my mother and has done a lot of things for me, that is what made me think so much and start this post even after my counselor and I concluded that it's in my best interest to continue like this. Because I don't want to be unfair to her.

SGA said: ↑

FREE YOURSELF FROM ALL HATRED ... Its not doing anything good to you
Click to expand...

I definitely don't hate my mother. It is not necessary that you hate someone if you cannot feel love towards them. I just feel indifferent. But yes, I know I need to work on letting somethings go, I just don't know how.

I know you intention is only to help me, thanks a lot, I mean it. And yes, I will once again think about what you have written here and also discuss this with my counselor when I meet her next time. Thanks again.