Can one marry again after losing wife?

deepak,
my deepest condolences. RIP Indu.

deeksha and anchal look very cute.indu did not leave you alone but with 2 beautiful princesses who are replicas of her. please do not separate them even if it is for a month. If possible please take a vacation or work from home option for that month and you please take care of the baby instead of sending the younger baby with your SIL.Please please do not separate the children knowingly/unknowingly.

If you are planning for a remarriage at a later point of time, Please marry a lady who is not willing/ cannot have children of her own. I have seen kids suffering once the second mom has a child of her own.

I pray God to give you courage, support and strength during this tough time.

regards,
sreelata

 

Brother, My deepest condolences...Sorry for your loss...My eyes filled with tears reading your posts....You got lovely babies..both are cute...Very touched with your love towards your wife.
Here ILs have given their good suggestions.What I feel is having two girls is really great..since they'll be more attached,love each other a lot...Please don't go for adoption..you are lucky to have girls,since girls are very attached to dads than moms in most cases...I have two sisters and we are very close to each other though we fight ..we cannot give up our relationship for anything..we stand for each other,love each other...thats the blood relation...

I suggest you to go for remarriage though not now..may be later..better to keep the twins together..Good to know that your SIL and mom takes care of your babies well...your mom must be getting old and not of having much energy to care for the babies longrun and your SIL wants one baby and if she grows one baby and her whole attention goes to that baby and the another one will be treated other way,which doesn't look good for both babies..they don't feel the same as sisters...may be after sometime,please consider remarriage.There are ladies who separated,divorced,can't deliver a child and all who'll be happy to take care of your babies....
I'm saying this bcoz my own chitappa(my dad's brother) lost his wife after 2-3 yrs having her second child..both are boys and he remarried with a condition they won't have a child and she agreed and she took care of the boys very well and they are grown up now..elder son got married 2 yrs before..Even she have a very good relation with her DH's Ex family members...Everyone is touched with her care/love towards the boys....Also another realtive had a similar situation where the wife passed away right after delivering her second child,elder one being few years old...Guy remarried and she too took care of both kids very well and love them a lot..and they kids are grown up now and takes care of thier mom very well...this mom cries if the kids get small sctrach and once I told her 'you are such a wonderful mom' seeing her care for these kids...Just wanted to share these experiences and let you know such ladies do exist...
Good Luck..wishing good health to you and the babies...

 

Deepak, your and Indu's story is heart wrenching. So many thoughts crossed my mind as I read through. I couldn't help remembering R.K. Narayan's autobiographical English Teacher. Am so so sorry for your loss. More than I can ever express in words.

Doctors and others in medical profession don't have human touch. You rightly said that somewhere. In India, medical profession is all about making money. Many months ago I read in papers a man lost both his pregnant wife and child inthe operating room because she suffered a spinal injury by falling off the bed ( while being shifted perhaps).

I really wish Indu was with you, living life with her much wanted children. Am sure, wherever she is, she still loves you a lot and is at peace for having a husband like you. Her short life has been more valued and full of worthyness than the long, worthless life many live.

I just cannot get over the lump in my throat after reading your story and this really has got me into thinking. Am pregnant now too. If I die leaving my children behind, I will have to convince my husband beforehand to get married again, for his sake and children's sake. I think my sweet loving husband deserves a family and life even if I weren't around.

 

Deepak,


It is very heart wrenching to see your situation. I hope you get solace from your little girls, see them grow and be with them. They are part of you and Indu, how can you think about giving them for adoption ? That is the most precious gift that she has given you. You have to step up to the situation. Making any major decision in grief is not good, you are emotionally disturbed and you cannot think straight.


I follow a blog by a person who has lost his wife during child birth and writes his experience. You can get a lot of inspiration from him. He also had a daughter. He created a foundation in his wife's name and channels his energy into it. His blog attracts so many visitors that he has written a book about his experience as a single dad - "Two kisses for Maddy". You can google Matt Logelin and it will take you to his blog. Read about how he is coping and the old blog entries. Although the little kid has lost her mom, her dad gives her all the love and affection and she is very lucky to have him. He remarried after sometime and his wife takes care of the kid, just like her own.


So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Do not take any hasty decision. You have a loving family to take care of your babies. Try to get a transfer to Chennai so that you are part of their upbringing.


Best Wishes.

 

Deepak.. my sincere condolence for Indu.. may her soul rest in peace.
Your snippet of life brought tears to my eyes and I was clouded for a while.. take a break and be strong.

Parents of twins are always in pressure that everything should be same for both, but believe me each child comes with their own destiny even if they were born at the same time from the same womb.. take it easy..
Its always nice to see the siblings together.. whether twins or not.. however bringing them up atleast for first 3 yrs is a difficult task.

none can replace the person who has already left, but life goes on.
Why people love a specific child and leave the other is a mystery unknown... even as a parent you end up being partial to one child.. especially if there are a lot of people to judge you and keep showing what is different that you're doing... certain things are easy with child X and certain with child Y.

If you're very strong on keeping them together.. its a myth that a man can't bring up 2 gals.. you'll have to hire 2 nannies.. one for each child and your mother to supervise.. for atleast 2-3 yrs, there are few male colleagues.. whose wife leave home at 6am come back at 6pm and go on long term onsite projects for months. Such husbands are there to help their daughters, be there on the day1 of their school. There shall be days when you'll loose hope, remember Indu .. miss her lot.. but there will also be days when these gals will make you smile and start speaking and you'll find Indu in them.
Until you get really strong to raise them together, you'll have to depend on the 2 ladies who're ready to raise 1 gal each as per their convinience and love and dressing, if you're ok with how things are going on.. continue with it,once kids pass the age of 3,4 they start demanding what they want and then you can assist them better.

 

Deepak,

I am so sorry, I can tell how much you loved your wonderful wife. The wound seems to still be fresh, and it will take some time to heal properly. At some point when your ready, I am sure your wife would have wanted you to 'move on' and once again try to be happy. I am so sorry my friend.

ABCD

 

Hi Deepak,
Cow's milk is a good substitute for Mother's milk but it could be adulterated . Your SIL should consult your Mom as she is a a novice too.Its good they consulted a doctor for the sick baby.
Formula milk is fine and suits all babies .The instructions are printed on the tin and should be read carefully as the formula is mixed according to the age of the baby.
Babies are fed similar food until they develop their own taste. Please consult your Pediatrician with regard to food/milk given to babies and the various shots, vaccinations to be given.
PS -You can check in the Parenting and Kids section here at IL to get an idea.They a have sections for infants, toddlers etc.

 

Hi Deepak,

So sorry for your loss.Even I am in same boat, I lost my wife suddenly.Just think how Indu would have done if she was into your place and how she would have managed.

Just relax and take care of your kids. Enjoy raising them and chill out wid them. Believe me once you decide your course of action things will be smoother and your mind will be at peace. Dont rush now or come into pressure of relatives/wellwishers for remarraige. Enjoy life and may be you get some good partner later on. For now shower the love you have for Indu to the kids.

God bless.....