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Can I Live Alone Happily Ever After

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happygirl6, Jan 12, 2019.

  1. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone

    I remember sharing my story from 3 months of my marriage till date writing posts about my husbands behavior and asking for advises. Most of you are very kind enough in giving me very valuable suggestions. Now its been 1.5 years of marriage and divorce process has already started. I am working individual who tried to save this marriage until last minute. But god had other plans for me . Any ways now I don't have to face the emotional abuse fro m now on. I am moving out of this house and have to live alone from now on. In my married life also I use to be very happy whenever he goes out on office work as I am always scared that if he is back he will scold me and that leads to a fight again.I always use to stay away from him to avoid the conflict as he gets angry at every thing. Even though I am married I use to do all the house hold work including his work. So managing alone is not a big thing but the divorcee tag is something which I am unable to bear( I am in this marriage hell even though he wanted the divorce on 2nd day for no reason). From the 2nd day of marriage he uses the word divorce every other day and tell me that he will leave at any point if he is not comfortable with me. He says he doesn't tolerate anyone and you will get out the house if he doesn't prefer to be in marriage.Now since he applied for divorce I have no other go. To be honest I don't love him or I don't have piece of mind staying with him. Now I feel its good that he left me because it was a forced marriage for him and he always use to abuse me. My only concern is how do I handle myself in this society and the thought that I won't have children in my life time is a biggest failure which I think. I love kids a lot but now I am not left with a husband neither a kid. If I had a kid out of this marriage I would have lived for that kid happily. even though I live in US what should I say when ppl ask about my husband. Do you think the stigma around divorcee women still exist in society ?? I am 29 year old and I have a good job but I come from orthodox family. I love having a family and raising kids. I am pretty much a loner all through my life and never had many friends before marriage. Even though I don't have much friends I was happy with myself and I love working hard.

    I am going through very difficult phase from the time he served papers. I thought of sucide as well and then got scared for that. I am crying daily and night. I am blaming my parents for this marriage as it is an arranged marriage. I asked my dad sometime to understand the guy but he didn't. I am completely in a mental space where I need to take out the negativity . apart from counseling what else I can do so that I can lead a happy life ? I am unable to concentrate on anything.My colleagues know my situation and they are managing my work some how but in long run I need to concentrate on my work too. I need to search an other home ,start a new life , buy new furniture. I am happy that I got freedom and there is no one to abuse my looks but what scares me the most is the society. Right now I am trying to cope up and wanted to consult a psychiatrist who can help with me go through this process. Can you guys suggest me some tips in staying happy single without caring much about society? If there are any single people reading my posts can you please share your story or advise me how to overcome the challenges and to be happy. Your advise can be great help to me.
     
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  2. VidhyaVi

    VidhyaVi Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi

    I am sorry you are going through this phase which divorcees badly.

    I believe that you have to tell the truth when someone asks about your husband. But I am sure this would be a problem only in India.

    You have a Job and that is precious in my honest opinion. One way of taking out the negativity is by focusing on your career and thinking about your long term professional ambition.

    Getting professional help is definitely a great option . But I wish you care less and less about the people who don't know what you've been through.

    Regarding friends, you have come to the right place . I am sure there are many senior members who will give you suggestions to stay away from confusions.

    Please don't entertain suicidal thoughts. Your life can take off to a completely higher level if you can focus on your well being.

    Living alone is far better when compared to living with an abusive partner.don't worry about that part.

    Stay strong. I know you've been strong so far
    Vidhya
     
    GeetaKashyap and Happygirl6 like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    You are still young at 29. Do you really want to be tied to your soon to be ex-H with a child? You will now make a clean break and be free.Focus on your own life and happiness now. Hopefully you will meet a more suitable partner to share your life with.
    If anyone asks simply say that you are separating from your husband and will soon be divorced. In the US no one will think twice. Get the help of a therapist to work through your emotions at this time.
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    @Happygirl6 Hope your username will be how your life will be. Since you are in USA the separation will be little bit easier on you. Pick a hobby or volunteer service and start focusing on that. The only way to come out of bad decisions in life is to get a fresh breath. That means you need to channelize your anger in positive way. Take this opportunity to build your career which will definitely pay in long run. You have a long life ahead don't waste it just thinking about all these tags. If you are religious do take up some volunteer work even if you are not just mingle with society. You will get through this. Enjoy your new found freedom. Think God has given another chance . Best of luck
     
  5. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    @Happygirl6 so I got divorced recently after a long ( really long) dysfunctional marriage. I moved out to stay in an shared apartment . I have never stayed on my own in my entire life except for a brief period. In the beginning I was disoriented, scared how I would manage . its been many months now and I can tell you that yes you can live happily alone. The ever after part forget it, we dont know what the future holds.

    - Please set a routine. especially for weekends. I go to yoga classes, going add some volunteering into my routine.
    - socialize.meet people, through meet ups, any other groups, make plans with existing friends. one happy social outing is better than a few therapy sessions.
    - read memoirs of people who have overcome difficult situations similar to yours.
    - MEDITATE
    - you will come out of this stronger than ever but its going to take time
    - cultivate gratitude. yes, you were a victim of unfortunate circumstances and bad parental decisions. But now you are out of it and you are healthy. You have been given a brilliant second chance in life , take it.
    - You are only 29. What makes you think your dream of a happy life is over. Look around you girl, atleast a half of them your age are still single. You will find the right person, you will have your kids, just wait for the right time. This dream isn't over yet by any stretch.
    - Pray for guidance from whichever higher power you believe . Ask that power what you needed to learn from this whole experience .
    - If you are staying in any country other than India , give double thanks, you are atleast not going to be judged and shamed.
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Its pretty judgemental to generalise the whole of “india” like this, we have some divorcee friends in our friends circle too n no one treats them differently.
    I personally know some people from the relatives circle from tier 3/4 towns, who has gotten arranged marriages, divorced n the whole relatives clans helping them to arrange another good marriage.
    One of my closest friend, a divorcee with a kid, just got married recently into such a lovely family. No one treats her differently.
    This society just like all the other society’s around the world has its own ups n downs and not entirely heartless, so it also understands that some relationships are just not meant to be.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    @Happygirl6 Many people are stuck in abusive marriages, not being able to get out even when they desperately want to. You are lucky enough to get free and have a second chance in your life. Thank god for it.

    Look at this opportunity as a chance to make your life just the way you want it.

    If you are not comfortable sharing about your marital status, just don’t share it. Not everyone needs to know everything about you.

    Regarding your known circle, if they are your friends, they will definitely understand your situation.

    You can focus on keeping yourself busy, so that you are busy physically n mentally. That will distract you and give you some excitement or something to look forward to n a little less time to dwell about the past. Put some effort in building your friend / social circle, make new friends, Go out. Travel. I would recommend a girls outing / travel to therapy. Try new things.

    All that you are feeling now will not last forever, once you start living your life- your way, you would start loving the new found freedom. You would get a chance to find your mr.right. Your own ‘happy’ family. You are young with so many things to look forward to. Write a bucket list / things you want to do n do them. Just force some positivity into your mind for now, as time goes by, it will come naturally.
     
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  8. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for the inspirational words. Really loved it. I am very happy being single rather than in a wrong relationship. Sure will follow your advise.
     
  9. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for the kind words. I loved your bucket list idea. I think that cool to do. May be this door which has opened might bring happiness into my life. I already started enjoying it without knowing it.
     
    VidhyaVi likes this.
  10. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    When people make a casual statement like this, it is not always intended to be judgmental. It is simply a 'probability' expression i.e. "you are more likely to come across intrusive, overly solicitous, and unwelcome comments in India." In my experience, this remains true, not for long though.

    @Happygirl6, in my orthodox extended family, two couples divorced and then ended up exchanging spouses, an arrangement partly engineered with the approval of the 'elders'! The times, they are a' changin' - and fast!!!

    Good Luck!
    :beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
    pocahontas, Star25, Rihana and 4 others like this.

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