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Balancing Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Ishaan10, Aug 26, 2019.

  1. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    My mil is single mother...mil n our family living in chennai..my Mom n dad lives in native place...my parents n mil n hubby relationship was very bad..both side they exchanged harsh words...so I told my mom i will n come n meet them every month...n i have two kid one 4 yr, second one 11 month old...am working in part time job...during the time my mil takes care of second kid...i can't go to my native place every month as i promised...so my mom n dad came to me against my opinion to see their grandchild...my hubby n mil said come in with a frown face n they behaved that they don't exist...i felt this very disrespectful n asked my parents to leave home...they left with tears...i can't tolerate this also...n i started to shout at hubby...he says your mother spoke to me harshly in previous issue...i don't know what to do now...I'm a single daughter n my parents living alone...i feel very immature n don't how to handle the situation..i know i have to frequently visit them..with 11 month old baby n job i can't travel frequently...
     
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  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    - stay strong.
    - stop feeling sad and guilty of whats going on
    - many women are in same situation
    - dont put the blame on you for the rift between H, Mil and parents
    - if its arranged marriage, your parents should have researched about the family before marrying you off
    - parents are from previous gen. They are well aware of how the family dynamics work. Is your dad all lovey dovey with your mom’s side family from the beginning of their marriage?
    - be selfish. Put your needs first. Cuz you are the one with most burden and responsibilities here( house, 2 kids, part time job, parents, in laws, etc).
    - you dont have to keep ur promises of visiting ur parents every month. Its not your decision to be single child. Just as we are independent, parents should learn to be independent too.
    - i dont think your parents are much worried about mil and your h, than ur happiness. Just tell them it is what it is and it will take time to mend the situation. But dont stop trying. Let them come and visit you. Stay if needed. Dont let them abandon you for someone who came late in life(son in law and family)

    Ultimately, parents feel happy when their daughter is strong, thick skinned and can stand up for herself when needed.

    There is no recipe for blending parents and in laws into a big happy family.
     
  3. Ishaan10

    Ishaan10 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks ...your words are must needed one... I feel guilty for what going on...
     
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    can your parents meet you at your work place, spend some time till evening and while they leave to their town, they can visit grandkid and leave quickly from your MILs place. If their town is too far they can stay a night or two in hotel too, as a small kid mother you can;t travel for now.
     
  5. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Time heals everything. Relations will improve with time. Just focus on your health and kids. Don't hurt anyone but don't feel guilty for others mistakes. Try not to think unnecessary it will ruin your health only. If u think about this after 10 years u will feel it was not that big issue.
     
    Thyagarajan and kishoremommy like this.
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Ignore the frown face because with wherever you said, its difficult for you to travel so it’s better if they come. It’s a much better option than not seeing them at all because if they chose to come against your opinion it only shows how much they miss you. So maybe it’s time that you grow a thick skin. Sometimes some adjustments are required n if it’s the convenient one, nothing wrong in opting for it.

    Not fair to keep the grandkids n grandparents for previous fights. Let the adults deal with it, the anger will decrease over time.

    It’s your home too, so let them come n spend time with you n the kids n you take care of them. You have to stay strong n less sensitive in such situations, it will be hard in the beginning but it gets better with time.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  7. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    I said ur MIL is a single mother. So without doubt her son bonding and supporting her is inevitable. But if u earn her trust n respect everything else will fall in place. Keeping ego aside get both the grandparents to speak on the issue and resolve it rather than escalate it by fighting. Wont serve ur purpose.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    My blood boils. This is actually what my PILs expected from me too.
    That, they will abuse my parents/siblings, they will not allow my side of the people to actively take part in my life (and that of my kids), and I shouldn't bother about this because I am married now.
    They were not ready to mend. At least not ready to welcome when my parents showed initiatives to forget the past and amend things for the better future. They stood stubborn, coz they had nothing to lose.
    I hate this patriachal mind set, and I hate the more when my young, educated husband also danced as per their tunes.

    That's when I decided enough is enough.

    Whose rule is that I should live at my Husband's place? I straight away rejected this idea and offered to move out from there. When my H did not budge, I moved out alone to a rental home.
    Of course my parents helped a lot in establishing that concrete building to a home, that too a home for a young infant.
    I resumed my career, and established things for myself.
    Of course, my H joined me eventually. He had no choice if he wants his marriage and kid.

    As long as you nod your head to whatever they say, they won't change. Because they have nothing to lose here.

    In laws created a lot of dramas. They wanted their rules to be respected at our home too. But I rejected right away, and established our own set of rules.
    Anybody can visit, stay and spend time with us at our place as a GUEST. Just that, they should obey our house rules.
    And our house rule is very simple... It is none other than respecting the residents, with love.
    In laws miserably failed, because they could not respect their DIL, and respect our way of parenting...
    So, it was not very difficult for us to draw a thick boundary for them. Now a days, they don't even visit us - that's a diff story.

    My parents obeyed the rules, respected us - and specially their SNIL and showered their grand kids with lots of love. They sacrificed their time and energy to baby sit the kids when I had to concentrate on work.
    So, our doors have always been open for them. Now my dad is no more, and my mom has become a permanent resident at our home.

    We promote education for girl child to ensure empowerment.
    A girl with education has the potential to work and earn an income. That's how she gets empowered to stand on her own feet. This is what called self dependency.
    This empowerment is what enabling us to fight against any kind of abuse later in life.

    If we should allow ourselves to be abused or disrespected the way how patriarchal society behaves, then what's the point of education? What's the point of our parents' sacrifice towards us.

    I would blame any girl, if she chose to stay silent for this kind of behaviors. Because, it is not just her inability, but her selfishness too.

    When our teachers and others abused us as kids, our parents did not shy away from protecting us. They voiced for our rights, and made sure we had a respectful future. Now it is our turn show the same kind of affection for our parents.

    If not, in a few years all the parents will decide not to educate their girl children, or may be not even to have girl kids. Discrimination originates here. Because whoever see a helpless DD, will only decide never to have a DD in their life.
    What is the point of having a girl child, suffer for her and continue to suffer for her. Whereas having a boy child could give you so much power within your life and over others life? See....

    Don't contribute to a nasty patriarchal society. Act now for a change. If an educated woman like you can not change, whom do you think can bring the change in India?
     
    shravs3, Meghaa, Thyagarajan and 4 others like this.
  9. IL86

    IL86 Silver IL'ite

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    @Ishaan10 , please don't mind but I would be very harsh. I feel you are selfish , why can't your parents visit your home every now n then, why are you yourself bending to this patriarchial mindset, what peace will you achieve by this? Your husband can keep his mother all time in family home but you can't even keep yours for few days how selfish is this? No wonder people crave for son and don't want daughters. Seriously my blood boils here, people don't want daughters because of daughters like you ,who don't want to stand up for their parents. Why couldn't you have kept your parents for few days by ignoring your husband and mil. You just find convenient way to hurt your parents instead of standing up against your husband. You have failed your parents not others.
    I am sorry to say no parent deserves a daughter like you, they must be thinking now if only they had a son instead of a daughter. Would he have shoved them away from his house like this? This is the very reason our society don't want daughters, selfish daughters who take everything from parents and at the time of giving back gives reason of husband and in-laws to escape from responsibilities.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Why, I mean why they have to jog between office and home to see their DD and grand kid?
    As if it is a curse to have a girl child, and marry her off. No parents should be forced in such a tragic situation during their old age.

    I am just thinking loud. Thinking about my brother and SIL. They are going through hell, losing all their hard-earned money, time, health and energy to save their DD from an illness. They don't discriminate her from their male kid, and by God's grace if she survives, they will provide everything under the sun to their DD to enjoy a better life. That would include a lavish wedding, sound education, support to seek a career etc..etc...

    And if they are to be reminded of women like OP, or advises like yours about their future relationship with their DD after her marriage, I don't think any parent would support or even dread to have girl kids in their life. What a discrimination. That too from educated girls like us?
    Look at our men. How do they support their parents at their old age. How do they respect their views though sometimes it may be outright stupidity.
    We don't expect women to bend over backward to their parents and assist their stupidity. But at least we can try to be reasonable here. After all our education and exposure, if we think we can't, then who else can?

    Why can't OP say NO? Why can't she stand by what is right?
    Why can't she leave her in laws' place if she and her folks are not welcomed there? Doesn't she have self respect? Doesn't her parents have self respect?

    Why can't we advice her to earn self respect through various ways, including a career, support groups, etc..etc... instead of advising how better to tolerate this?

    Our women are tolerating this for long. Now it is enough.
     
    Meghaa, Thyagarajan and confused4sure like this.

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