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Awful Awful Husband...why Do I Feel Like I Need Him?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Patientone, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    He knows you will eventually call that is why he is not calling you. You have given him way too much power than what he deserve. If I don't mind asking you what kind of job did you do before marriage ?
    You are investing your time on this problem so much you are refusing to see the truth. Please read each response in this thread and try to implement what suits you best
    Relax .. Think clearly and calmly. You are going in circles. Sorry to say but you cannot put the blame on just his mom. He is equally responsible. You grew up in UK and decided to stay at home just because he said so. Financial independence is very important . I don't know your whole story but work on getting back to work force. Slowly and steadily you have to come out of this problem. Sometimes if you take your focus away from the problem things will fall on place
     
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  2. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

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    I don’t want to disclose what I did online but my plan was to wait another 6 months and go back to work when my daughter starts nursery. He refused to put her in childcare when I wanted to go back to work. Actually I was planning to go back to work last month but he suddenly had plans to go to india, as his father was ‘Poorly’ but in reality it was that he wanted to go before his brother did. It’s competition. I have my own savings so I’m not dependent on him. I honestly hate him. He’s not showing any emotion. How do I take that power that I’ve given back? My head hurts so I can’t understand what that means.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, take a break from this drama.
    So stop calling him for another week or more. Let him contact you. Give some explanation to kid if she asks. Let your dh wonder.. Dont go after him pleading. Let him wait for his visa and come there. Till then focus on you and enjoy with kid. Now he is with his family, so he may behave like this to show his power over you. He is responsible for his behavior, no one else.

    Even if you call or talk to him, limit your talk only to topics related to your kid or hi bye, dont talk about anything else..only positive things. Go on a silent mode if he start other topics. Dont give any clue. why you give him power to humiliate you. If he say anything, tell him, you dont want to talk about it now or change topic. If he start arguing cut the conversation.

    It was your first visit, what is the reason for this fight. You can introspect your side too. Anyway, past is done, you cannot change it. Think about present and future.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
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  4. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Refusing to enroll your child in childcare, even part time one, is a very convenient way to keep you under his control. You can't search for a job or join a job, when you are taking care of a child. If you don't have a job, you won't have the confidence to leave him. This is the perfect way to keep you chained up.
     
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  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is what you have to do
     
  6. vaas

    vaas Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear op, please dont take me wrong. You look like a confused soul. Its very clear that ur dh and family is very bad.

    I dont understand y u keep calling him even when he is not. Ur giving him a weapon to control u by doing this.

    You have 3 options
    1) say i am done and move out of this marriage
    2) stay strong against ur dh. U can do this by not iniating the talks and i dont care attitude towards him and family
    3) continue to be in the confused state and keep complaining.

    I hope u pick option 1 or 2.
    Option 2 is bad not only for u but also to ur kid
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    He doesn't seem to care about the kid also.
    If you're financially independent, what is stopping you from divorcing him??
    Can you cancel his citizenship??
     
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  8. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    it would seem that she is intending to cancel his permanent resident visa...

    Once he is in the UK, that is if he comes back, he could hire an immigration attorney to have his visa continue... There have been many cases where a citizen had imported a foreign spouse (usually a woman, but the law applies equally to both genders), caused much mental/physical cruelty, and exploited the foreigner under threats of "cancelling visa, and sending back". Much case history would be in support of the foreigner. However, most PR visas (ILR in UK) would have some condition on length-of-absence before it expires automatically.

    @Patientone : "But that means my daughter would never see him. He’d be living in India."
    Isn't that a positive outcome ?
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Good then
    I don't feel like she intends to cancel by going through her posts
     
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  10. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    because we are like that vonly.

    Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behavior or endeavor as a result of previously invested resources (time, money or effort). This fallacy, which is related to loss aversion and status quo bias, can also be viewed as bias resulting from an ongoing commitment. <source>
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
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