1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Awful Awful Husband...why Do I Feel Like I Need Him?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Patientone, Oct 4, 2019.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    629
    Likes Received:
    885
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Games won’t work in long run. Husband and wife have to like each other and love each other, even then ‘long run’ is though.
    So, please don’t play any games just present true self. Most marriages have no strength, wife does her thing and guy does his. But before that, they some good years in marriage. Do you have any good memories or was it bad always.
    Your parents will support you?
     
    SinghManisha and Patientone like this.
  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,689
    Likes Received:
    3,025
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    No I wouldn’t say that. To me, it means he is very very sure of you and takes you completely for granted.
    See, this is the huge difference in your backgrounds. In the West, we are taught to keep an open mind and not judge. Even people who move here pick up this way of thinking. And kids brought up here are taught this from day one.

    But This often doesn’t translate well into the Indian context. In the cities maybe still you won’t be misunderstood, but in the less exposed villages definitely you will be. It’s happened to me as well.

    The best way I can explain it is that they must live in such a dog-eat-dog world where might is right and to hell with the weak they just don’t understand all this DONT JUDGE stuff. It’s incomprehensible to them. They mistake niceness and giving a second chance for weakness. They privately conclude (without any evidence) that you must be having some skeletons in your closet so that’s why you are forced to come to Indian villages to seek alliance in spite of having lived in UK. And try to think about how to turn the situation (your misfortune) to their advantage. Their monetary advantage. Hence the hectoring, the attitude etc. They think they have done you a favor! (And funnily enough, so do you! You think you have done him a favor too! ) And they expect to be handsomely reimbursed for it!

    So all this time when you were suppressing your doubts and giving him another chance, and then another, he in turn, was gauging your reactions and testing how far he could push you. Since no reaction from you till now, he has become totally brazen.

    Basically your mutual signals crossed. I blame that on the totally different backgrounds you were each raised in. You have different ways of interpreting the situation, different values and different expectations.

    I think your parents are right. Sit with them and brainstorm how to fix this and come up with a plan. A set of terms and conditions. And tell him while he is still in India so he need not bother to come back. I don’t quite understand the ins and outs of him needing to get his passport made and so on. In terms of what stage his immigration is at. Take the advice of a good immigration attorney and pull the plug on this misadventure. It’s gonna be nasty, looks like but you have to woman up to the challenge.

    Another thing to keep in mind is- this will take time to play out so if cousin is right and he sees the error of his ways that will play out too. Seeing a strong response from you he may moderate his behavior or promise to change while not meaning to. Anything can happen really. You will have to navigate all that without giving in to your own fears. Your (and your family’s) personal fears are a lot to blame for this situation. For example the blind faith/ belief that everything India is good and everything western is bad etc. Forget all such third hand negative stereotypes and only focus on issues at hand. Only look at what is in front of you, what is being said, and how, the behavior and the attitude, and trust your own gut and reasoning on how to proceed. Don’t give in to wishful thinking and magical wishes. Don’t be emotional and don’t take snap decisions.

    You were probably born in the 90’s or later. Stop wringing your hands like a Victorian heroine and behave like a child of the millennium. Live in the here and now. Not like how it used to be ‘in the good old days’. And politely decline if someone wants to use your life to conduct a social experiment. You are a person not a Petri dish!

    Honestly dear, the life lesson here is if you feel sorry for someone- give them some money or help them in some other way, don’t marry them or put your life at their mercy and in their hands!
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    916
    Likes Received:
    1,885
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    This is solid. Exactly perfect response
     
    1Sandhya and SinghManisha like this.
  4. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Hmmm I guess that’s one stereotype of people in villages. My in-laws are the selfish and jealous sort. Particularly MIL. They didn’t judge us in that sense. But I think she was shocked at how well me and hubby got along. She did the usual drama saas bahu stuff.


    In regards to money she’s always felt entitled since the day her sons were born tbh. It’s the norm with some Indian mothers. Especially the narcissist type.


    I haven’t been lenient with my husband all the time in certain aspects. It’s just there have been a few issues this year which my mother in law interfered with, behind my back and behind my husbands back. He doesn’t know what she’s been doing.


    I’m going to see what happens. I’m not sure. I’m also not sure what u mean about me thinking everything in india is good etc. . Also, can I just clarify I didn’t marry him because I felt sorry for him. I married him because after speaking to him. He felt like my equal. We bonded and I felt we were compatible. I didn’t realise how conniving and heartless my MIL would be. I’m at an okay place right now. Thanks everybody.
     
  5. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I have some good memories and bad too. My parents will support me and have also said the end decision is yours. It’s just in the past few months my in-laws have used tactics and manipulation quite well. Luckily I have some breathing space right now to think. No pressure and I feel happy too.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2019
    BhumiBabe likes this.
  6. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,364
    Likes Received:
    2,347
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    The dynamics between people from 2 different cultural settings is well-explained!

    It's like a conversation between 2 people - one speaking in urdu and the other in malayalam, both of them puzzled why the other person couldn't understand.
     
  7. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I spoke to him today after not calling for a week. He didn’t call me either. He’s just not interested. He argued again and left me upset.

    He said where has my money for the past 3 years gone? Your parents stole from me. Which is absurd. This is something his mum has said in arguments in the past. He’s repeating what his mum is saying.

    I left talking to him very upset because he talks to me like dirt and cuts the phone off. I’m trying to build the relationship. He’s not.

    I’m going to cancel his visa. Well I’m intending too because I can’t live like this. But that means my daughter would never see him. He’d be living in India. What should I do.
     
  8. Patientone

    Patientone Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    He also said that I have lived off his money for the past 3 years? When quite clearly he forced me to stop working and said I’ll earn and will look after you and you look after the home and baby. Even then we hardly had any money because it was all going to india. I never had nice clothes or anything. He used to say to me why can’t you wear pyjamas all day? It’s not like you go anywhere with the
    baby. Ridiculous stupid things like that. Not sure if they were a joke or true.


    The one thing that bothers me and stops me is WHAT am I going to tell my 2.5 year old daughter? What do I tell her when she says where’s daddy or ‘ring daddy’? It breaks my heart. But I’m sick and tired of calling him and he doesn’t call back. I need to send some fire up his backside and bring him down to earth because ever since his visa fot extended for 2.5 years. I’ve seen a change in him and his attitude. He hasn’t got Uk citizenship yet.


    His mum in her hearts wants a divorce. People are saying she’s the caUse of my misery so don’t divorce him and don’t give her what she wants. It’s not about her but about my sanity. He can live with his mother and do what he wants. But I don’t want to be part of this circus.

    I’m just thinking how can a man who a month ago pulled me close in the rain so I wouldn’t get wet, helped dye my hair and other affectionate things behave this way with me? But then again his affection would only come if I made him happy or listened to him.

    it’s time to pull the plug. I can’t remember any birthday or celebration where there hasn’t been a fight or drama.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,689
    Likes Received:
    3,025
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks!
     
    Patientone likes this.
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,689
    Likes Received:
    3,025
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks! Saha pakde- you got it!
     
    Patientone likes this.

Share This Page