Analyse this situation please

fencesitter · Dec 26, 2011

I think, he should have taken this decision much earlier.Crushing somebody's dreams and aspirations after such a long time is unfortunate. Now it would be more difficult for girl and her parents to find a match for her. However, on a long run it does seem like a wise decision.

beerbal · Dec 28, 2011

Well they could be last minute jitters that most people overcome and your friend probably caved in.

Any way, he has nipped it and why is he so worried about their response? You can't have the cake and eat it too. High time he grew up to handle the "pay back". Actions have repercussions. When the payback arrives, I have seen too many people act 'sadhus'. Here is a girl who has been ditched at the "proverbial" altar. She and her family have genuine grievances. They will 'vent'. He should expect it and take it like a man.

P.S. Moral of the story: He wanted her to spill her beans and she wanted to play her cards close to her chest and not say the wrong thing worried she may guess wrong. He, instead of giving her a benefit of doubt assumed the worst. Her fault: she should have seen him as the guy trying to judge her and he should have been kinder and inclusive. So she is the lucky one if you ask me. If they married he would always have treated her as the mouse in this cat-mouse game, IMO.

OP: May be your friend should rely more on the (quality, trust and warmth in the) communication between the two as a basis to evaluate compatibility rather than answers to some (trick) questions.

blackbeauty84 · Dec 28, 2011

I'm glad your friend didn't marry her and find her uncompatible. Whatever be the real reason behind this call off, this is better than getting into marriage and regretting later. Girl's family will understand this later.

But you know how Indian soceity is. Girl's family is trying to gain some sympathy. It's natural behavior to bad mouth. Are you expecting them to say "The guy was correct 100%, it's only our girl who has a problem He has saved both their futures by cancelling the marriage". No this never happens..Have realistic expectations.

omnam · Dec 30, 2011

jmsd said: ↑

Now the funny part ,the girl says that divorce after few years is a tolerable thing while this is not:idontgetit:
Click to expand...

Agreed from the point of view of your friend. For this girl its pure cheat. She is bound to say such things when she betrayed by this guy. Could you imagine the dream and desire she would have built to live life after marriage.

But never say its funny or joke...somebody's pain is never fun for us.

I guess in arranged marriages such mismatch happens and engagement is cancelled. But again dont think that her people give open arm welcome to this decision and applause for what he did. Of course they will be thinking that good that they got rid of such guy before marriage who dont have stable mind only. First he decide to get married, gets engaged, date for 10 months and then throw away.

Dont worry these things will fade away with time.

Everybody would have their own views especially the affected party.

PS- I too think the decision of cancelling marriageis correct as he thinks that they are not at all compatible and he is so particular about many things but bad that he realised after 10 months.

jmsd · Dec 31, 2011

Thanks all for posting your feedbacks(both positive and negative) as I was really curious about that what does present day Indian society think about such a situation.

However I have one clarification to make.This boy did not 'date' her for 10 months.All the contact was electronic.
She a teacher had more of fairy tale expectations while he a business executive was more practical about life.
He almost works for more than 18 hours a day,and in some situations when he could not answer her call she would complain to her parents and then her parents would complain in turn to the boys parents.
The 'sagun' was given in a rush (without even waiting for the boys close relatives, read siblings)by the girls family ,their prime concern was more like getting their girl married .
He had conveyed her about this anticipated difficulty and incompatibility in the early post 'sagun' days to the girl,over phone she was like "I have to get married to you" and he felt he should stick to his word(Consenting on the engagement).
but finally he realised that it would be better to save their individual emotional lives rather than continuing in a bad relationship for the fear of society.
I know the girl side always gets more sympathy but the boys 10 months have been wasted too.
Since he is not younger to thirty his prospects of getting a girl have also suffered.

GMReddy · Mar 16, 2012

dear op,

as long as the boy's conscience is clear and convinced about incompatibility, it is a good decision to call off.

but, he should have noticed the red flag that the girl has already determined to marry him no matter what and should have delayed the engament commitment and should have acertained the compatibility even before this engament commitment.

finally it is the boy's expectations are not matched whereas girl is ready for marriage, so blame has to be taken by boy. --JMO.

SreeSri · Mar 16, 2012

As many ILites echoed above, your friend took a wrong decision, he needs to take its outcome..
In fact in the Indian Marriage System.. he MUST be very smart and cant be idiot to agree and back off...
Instead of wasting your time here further, teach him a cool lesson so that he would be more smarter in his next decision.
An apology to the Gurl's family by him would be a wise and manly next step...

happylife25 · Mar 19, 2012

Hi , when i was reading your story i saw myself in it ,once back... My self and my DH were engaged and had 6 months time for wedding, meaning time we used to talk over the phone, our conversation was never so good, he felt i was a sensitive person, he was a sarcastic one. i never really used to enjoy his sarcastic jokes. One day one of his jokes were really hurting , i felt bad i told him. but he repeated the same. more over his cousin's engagement broke (incompatibly reason )which made him believe that i was not right for him.He forced me to tell my parents if i was not OK for the marriage . i was stunned and informed my parents that he was asking me to break off. Then later parents convinced him , and his parents tooo. Later he apologized me saying that his cousins incident forced to realize that we are compatible . Finally he said he was happy with the marriage and we got married. Now i regret everyday why i so foolish to take this step when our relation was not promising , I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO TO THE WEDDING . Now since a bigger mistake has already happened i m in the process of changing my husband's behavious towards me , they are definately some change yet still hoping for some more.... WHEN DOUBT ABT THE RELATION its better to BREAK rather getting into a BIGGER PROBLEM.

bujji_1522 · Mar 19, 2012

As the saying goes, better late than never, its a kind of good on the guys side to call off the engagement but the time he has taken to say so(10months) is reallllyyy long...in such courtship period no need to date in physical presence...even the electronic media is good enough(which was in my case for 15months)...when the girl said that she has no expectations may be she has faced lot of difficulty in her life...or may be she was one such who takes whatever life has in store without complaining...when she was discussing the problem with her ex fiance...it could have been the sign for the guy to raise the red flag then, any reasons why didnt he do so? Or was he still her to change or get a change in him to get into the relation...all this while may be he was just trying to get into a relation and never been into it...and the girl was still in the illusion that this guy is her prince charming and he would marry her...for 10 long months!!!

Its could not have been the age of her which was compelling for her to get married...any girl with such a long courtship period would do that...

Coming to the girls parents bad mouthing...if the boy can explain things to her parents as in what went wrong and if he is able to convince their concerns, they would not have apprehensions regarding the boys nature and spread bad wording because as the parents of a girl child if they would ever do that, that can effect their reputation too and future groom searching also...personally, if someone has to badmouth such broken engagement would be to safeguard their child...like the girls parents can say it the boys fault and the boys parents can say its the girls fault, so there are side effects for both the sides...

I think he should sit with the elders and explain things if he had thought in a matured way and taken this decision...