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Analyse this situation please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jmsd, Dec 25, 2011.

  1. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    My best friend,just called off his engagement.
    He is a gentleman with a good,progressive and terrific family.
    Got engaged to a girl basically ,under pressing circumstances especially from the girls family.(You know how things in arranged marriages are)
    She too was a good girl nothing against her.
    While both of them lived in different countries ,they talked for almost 10 months .
    While he found that they were absolutely incompatible in this period,the girl just wanted to get married at all costs.She was nearing thirty and may be that was a pressure for her.
    She talked to her friends and family that this boy does not treat her well.

    Right from day one whenever the boy would ask her about her expectations from her partner,she would say that she'll adjust to whatever he wishes and she as such does not have any expectations.
    He tried to continue with the relation and then get married to her as he had given his word and would like to stick to it.But after a lot of mental turmoil he finally decided to call off the engagement as the scope of happiness for either of them was bleak.
    He told me it would be injustice to both of them.
    Now what happens after he steps back that the girl and her family become very abusive and badmouth about the boy and his family in their common social circles which actually is causing a lot of hurt to the good hearted parents who can be the best ILs in the world.

    I am just putting forward this situation in front of all of you as to how wrong or right my friend has been .

    My perspective is that temporarily may be the girl and her parents are upset but in the long run the incompatibility would have ruined her happiness.Why can they not see the real happiness and were so hell bent on getting he married even when it was obvious that a lot of adjustments needed to be made and happiness for either of them was no guarantee.
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi JMSD,

    You have heard the story from your friend's perspective. You have most probably not heard the other side. (That is my assumption and may be I could be wrong). We are hearing from you about what you heard from your friend or may even be your direct perspective of your friend's situation. So it is hard for anyone to analyze a situation on hearsay. And this is the limitation with most situations.

    Whatever the case may be, it is good your friend called off the wedding if he was convinced that it was not going to work. Better now than more heartbreak for all concerned later. I absolutely agree with what you have said above. It is sad people feel the need to badmouth other people just to make themselves appear better.
     
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  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    it would be better if your friend could talk or write a letter to girl's parents telling them the reason why he could not marry their daughter.Atleast this might reduce their anger a bit.
     
  4. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    you cannot analyse a situation which does not have both view points or both sides of the story. you are too close to the one side, that you may not be able to look at any flaws in the situation...

    i would like to know how the engagement was called off. by phone. or called them personally and explained. if they are acting so, even after explaining things in person, it is just the frustation, disappointment..you need to give them time to move on..

    If he found her incompatible from the starting what was the need to prolong the understanding phase to 10 months, giving the girl's family lots of hopes..
     
  5. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Thr is incompatibility and there are few mistkes from both the ends..
    It is natural for a girl at 30 to wish for getting married soon and he dragged for 10 long mons wasting her time. regarding below point:
    "Right from day one whenever the boy would ask her about her expectations from her partner,she would say that she'll adjust to whatever he wishes and she as such does not have any expectations."
    - There many women who doesnt wish much they just want life keep gng and adjustable types..there is nothing wrong..
    I feel tht ur friend does not like a simple girl.. he needs some1 who is highly independent..
    she might hav had lot of feelings for him but he broke off.. a guy can get any number of girls easily where as a girl cannot get tht easily tht is one more reason they r telling as such
     
  6. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi jmsd,

    straight away coming to the point i think ur friend is really practical n a grownup guy and he made a correct choice. he saved everyone from the hell all wud hv gone thru incase of divorce or bad marriage which seems to be obvious as he knew that both of them were not compatible at all.

    secondly abt girls parents badmouthing people who know the guy n guys parents will know whats true n whats not so just leave it...n to me personally i dont care for people coz they just talk talk n talk n nothing else thy can do..its u n ur family who matters n their happiness is the most imp. n i think that guy has also put his n his family happiness first...so to me he is absolutely right as per the detail u hv posted here.
     
  7. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    I have seen people who say they dont have any expection is the one who has so many things in their mind and waiting for the right time to put their thoughts in action.
    Since the Girl is nearing 30, may be the girl and her family were desperate to get this match fixed and that could be a reason for accepting everything(no expectation) and saying would adjust.
    The guy seems to be clear in what he wants/expects.

    Its always better to say NO when in doubt (Saves future regrets)

    But the time taken to conclude 10 months(Its almost an year) is tooo long for a matured guy.
    If he could ve come to this conclusion earlier better would have been for that girl to move on... She would obviously heartbroken and would need time to get over this which will again increase her age factor which she and family are frustrated and they are venting out...
    Now the decision is made and both have to move on instead of analysing and thinking about other..
     
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  8. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Agreed that i am closer to one party
    I certainly can understand the girl's parents' concern to marry her off but the girl herself wanting to get married just because it was high time without any concern with respect to compatibility with the man she wanted to spend her life with makes me more polarized toward my friend.
    She was vocal about her fiance's 'ill treatment' with her friends and family but to the man himself she'd be sweet and say "I'll adjust"
    This came out while her mother was shouting at the boy's mother that "We had advised her to keep mum till the marriage materializes,otherwise she would not have"
    What really is incomprehensible to me is how come a social binding of getting married at an age so important that it compels people to commit emotional suicide and at the same time forgetting that another person is involved too.

    As far as the boy dragging it for 10 months is concerned ,the explanation that he has come up with is he too took it as a compromise and did not want to step back as it would supposedly affect the girl's future prospects.But finally he gave in to better sense because either it was a dingy future and bad relationship that might end up in a divorce or by breaking up both of them atleast stand a chance of finding their compatible mates.
    He personally called up (as he was in different county)her parents and herself and very politely conveyed his message ,trying to explain his rationale behind his decision.He kept quiet and just said sorry over and over again as her mother shouted at him and abused him.She also accused him of having affairs etc and cited them as reasons of his decisions,which was not true.

    Now the funny part ,the girl says that divorce after few years is a tolerable thing while this is not:idontgetit:
     
  9. passionate89

    passionate89 Platinum IL'ite

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    One can never come to a conclusion without having points from both the ends..

    The guy has problem with her b'cos she doesn have any expectation?! I don't think its correct.. May be that girl would have gone through lot of problems in her life that makes her not to expect things..

    More over if they both did not have a good wrappo then why did he wait for 10 months to call off the engagement... Suppose if that guy & his family were keen in marriage and if the girl had called off the engagement after building hopes for 10 months? How would this hurt..

    I think both were not so frank to each other.. Somethin stopped them from sharing things... It is nothing but fear
     
  10. iyermaragatham

    iyermaragatham Senior IL'ite

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    I think your friend is a jerk. If he knew that they were incompatible he should have told her that after the first time itself. He wasted her time and now it is a hard process to start all over again for the girl. This is the problem with arranged marriages. They shouldn't get to know each other too much after the engagement. They get engaged because they think they are compatible. It took 10 months for your friend to decide?? that too after the engagement.
     
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