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An Ex Creating Problems In Married Life

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by mimi77, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    True... Absolutely agree with you. Making an exit is easy, but sticking to it and trying to make my marriage work is what I should be focussing on... Thanks for your very genuine advice... Truly appreciate
    Angela123 likes this.
  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @mimi77 - It might not be what your Ex is saying. It might be what you have said and written. You can't undo what you have written.
    Why blame your DH for not forgiving you soon enough when you started a post saying "Extra Marital Affair with EX" and worse of all, him coming here and reading it?

    If he had started a post like that here, would you have forgiven and forgotten easily and moved on? If I were reading such a subject line from my spouse, I would be heartbroken. Not because of any other reason but because my 14 yrs and one child wasn't enough for him. It's what you have written that you have to undo. It isn't want the other guy is saying.
    I think the reason your DH is even listening to him is because he's getting conflicting stories from your writings. Earlier he was an Ex BF that you were having flutters for, so much so that you yourself called it an extra marital affair. Nobody else called it that. Now, you were trying to save his marriage. How were you trying to save his marriage if you were involved in a whatsapp affair with him? Even when you posted that, people told you it isn't an affair.

    Maybe your H is not holding onto any grudge. He's probably truly hurting. He is probably going back and re-reading your whatsapp chats and posts here. Have you given him the benefit of that doubt or do you think he's making your life miserable for your one transgression? He found out about all this, not from you but from a stranger. Have you even once thought about how it would have felt to have received such a message from a complete stranger? A woman, getting in touch and telling him his wife has been in constant touch with her husband and both are rekindling their past. Put yourself in his situation. Think of how devastating that would have been. Then you will know why these things keep coming up. It's not his immaturity, it's his hurt talking.

    I remember his post here on that extra marital thread of yours. Do you? Din't he ask something in the lines of, why were your years of marriage not enough? Did he do something that made you go for this? Did you not think of him before saying and doing all this? That's not some making things worse for you. Those are the words of someone who is hurting more than you.

    He's not making your life miserable. He's transferring his misery over to you.

    What if he decides to leave? Do you have a plan? Since things are this rocky, you should think about that course of action as well. If he ends things, you will be worse off than what you are now. He's probably still staying because of the child. If you continue making statements like it was nothing, I said nothing, did nothing, or only chatted a little etc, he may reach the end of his rope. Don't be in that situation.

    Accept that what you committed was indeed a big transgression. It was a big breach of trust. The counseling may not have worked because you decided you did something but not big enough to warranty his big reactions. I can guarantee that any spouse in that situation would do exactly that. I would have already called a lawyer and taken this post as proof. I would have brought it up time and again until my hurt was better. I think you should try counseling again - this time by accepting that it was you, not the Ex or his wife or anyone else.

    If I were the Ex's wife, I would have done exactly what she's doing. Most people find the spouses of the Erring party and share these details once they find out. That's the normal course of action. She can't make you stop talking to him. What is the guarantee that you won't start back up again or use umpteen number of devices/apps/stealth to continue keeping in touch? Letting your husband know was her way of attempting to make you stop. Granted her marriage isn't as great as yours and her husband is a miserable loser, he is still her husband. You saying these things will only hurt you.

    What will help you now is focusing on your marriage. Even if your husband is talking to the guy, you shouldn't be discussing it or justifying things he say. You have already beaten that horse umpteen times. Just say you just don't want to say anything more and want to sort it out in counseling. You should be open to what the counselor tells you to get back on track.

    How long will this go? Nobody knows. For some people, a lifetime isn't enough to stop hurting.

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