1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

An Ex Creating Problems In Married Life

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by mimi77, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    328
    Likes Received:
    329
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I happened to be friends with him for just about a year or so... Things did not work out well and I got married to someone else... Had been very happily married for the past 14 years and all of a sudden this friend contacts me on Social media and remained friends on Whatsapp....By mistake some past memories were discussed and somehow his wife was tracking all the messages that were shared. She shared all those with my husband and since then problem started and for the past year I have been dealing with this nonsense. More so she convinced my husband that I and her husband had always been in touch and she seems to suspect her husband a lot. It's as if they have transferred their family problems to us. My husband has been overreacting for the past one year and I'm tired of dealing with a lot of immaturity... Don't know how to deal with this situation. My only mistake was recollecting old memories.... Didn't know I have to pay this way... Now I realise that this friend of mine is pretty miserable... He is also telling all sorts of things to drive my husband against me....
     
    Loading...

  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,250
    Likes Received:
    4,304
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    How did she contact your husband? Through social media? Why don’t you block them ? Block them even from your husband’s account.
     
    periamma, Nylaa and Anusha2917 like this.
  3. kveena

    kveena Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    599
    Likes Received:
    840
    Trophy Points:
    220
    Gender:
    Female
    Why are you letting him to talk to you after all this? Some miserable people will try ruin their friend’s life too...that’s sadism. Block this couple immediately, please don’t entertain such crap by showing respect, such people need to be put in their right places!
     
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    5,173
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    OP to what extent you have discussed your memories with ex I'm not sure. But whatever it is, I see major trust issues between you and your spouse . In the sense he is not trusting you here.

    Do not bury your head in Sand. Have an open conversation with him and whatever you have written here same thing you try to tell him. Let him know that his overreaction is hurting you.

    You have written that woman has convinced him that you and your friend were in touch for a long time.
    Can you confront him this and ask him what is making him trust her more than you? If you have told him that was a past fling and you got in touch recently he should trust you here in this case and not her.

    I would also suggest the same as others block this cheap friend and his wife completely from all the means of communication. Facebook, whatsapp etc etc..

    Have a conversation with your husband and gain back his trust.Do not fight or argue with him but make him understand that it is the past and that should no way affect your current relationship and understanding.
    Take a vacation with the family (husband and kids) and come back fresh and make sure this friend is blocked from your life in Every possible manner. Good luck :)
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,303
    Likes Received:
    22,840
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Mimi, your post is short. Just 200 words. It is easier to read between the lines of short posts.

    Here is what you say you did: Resumed contact with an ex when he got in touch with you on social media. That in itself is a decision you need to look into. After that, past memories were discussed in whatsapp. It can be concluded that this was not a group chat, but a 1-1 conversation. Twice in your post you have dismissed this as "by mistake" and "my only mistake."

    You saying his wife "suspects her husband a lot." She has sufficient reason, doesn't she? He initiated contact with you and had 1-1 chats about past memories? Next you say, "the problem started when she shared those with my husband." No. The problem started when you discussed old memories with an ex and did not share with your husband that you are in touch with an ex or are discussing the past "memories."

    You are blaming everyone else: your husband, the friend, his wife. Your husband is being immature, wife suspects her husband, wife convinced your husband you have always been in touch, the friend is driving your husband against you, they are transferring their family problems to you...while casually referring to your indiscretion as a "mistake."

    Looks like you do not realize the seriousness or the breach of trust that has happened between you and your husband. And perhaps, because you don't realize, you haven't made up for it sufficiently with your husband. When the messages were discovered, you owed your husband an explanation, an acknowledgement of the damage caused, and a list of how you plan to make-up for it, as well as how you plan to avoid it in the future. After that, for a while, it remains your burden to regain his trust. Only if he keeps bringing it up well after you have stuck to your promises, cut all contact with the ex, can it be said that he is overreacting etc.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2019
    Meghaa, sbonigala, Indeevara and 11 others like this.
  6. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    328
    Likes Received:
    329
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for replying.... I have been trying to explain him for the past one year.... Now I am just tired.... Everyday he keeps dragging this issue into every conversation and keeps agitating me....Im now tired of feeding him with explanation and feel like giving up...These two have been blocked... But my husband on and off unblocks them and then again the mud slinging continues and this is following a pattern.... My husband is over reacting... When everyone is silent, he all of a sudden attacks this fellow and the entire situation becomes uncontrollable..... At times I feel this friend and his wife is having some fun time and amusement out of this situation... Can't deal with a bunch of immature people around me
     
    Laks09 and Rihana like this.
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,653
    Likes Received:
    1,991
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    no.this was totally wrong
     
  8. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    328
    Likes Received:
    329
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I totally understand.... But do I have to suffer all my life for this?
     
  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    184
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Mimi, first of all, what damage is done is done. You need to talk only with your husband. If ex is out of your life, from long time ago, keep it that way. No texts, no sympathizing nothing whatever happens in ex's . Keep everything related to him far away from your life (blocks on social media, deleting and blocking phone numbers). And do whatever it takes to convince your husband. The best way to ask him is what he wants you to do. And ask him that if you do this, will the trust start to build back up? It might be a process, but it is a start. And start working on it. Keep exs away. You can never be friends with ex. It never do any good. No matter how harmless it seems, all the exs bite back at some point. I still have to hear a convincing story on exs being friends.
     
  10. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    202
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Point number 1 : you cannot blame others as immature when you have yourself behaved immaturely by accepting the ex on social media and giving him whatsapp number to contact you.
    "Ex" are called as "ex" for a reason. They are past and shouldnt be allowed a re-entry into the present that too when "you are happily married for 14years".

    Point number 2 :

    Yes, good that you realised your mistake, but you have to be patient with your spouse to regain his trust. You have breached his trust by contacting your ex and hiding this from your spouse even if you didn't had any wrong intention.


    Solution :-
    1. Stop calling your husband immature for the reactions he is showing for your immature actions.

    2. When he is in calmer mood, talk to him nicely. Don't bring up the past. Just try to earn his trust.
    Be open with him, dont keep any mobile passwords. Ask him to check your phone whenever he wants as you have nothing to hide from him and can do anything to earn his trust.

    3. Realise this that "trust" is the basis of any relationship n more so in marriage.
    Once trust broken or even if a crack develops in the trust, things get complicated.
    So be patient.

    4. Be patient. Yes I'm saying this many times because this is most important right now. Don't lose your patience when you know mistake was yours. Dont bring up past again n again. Don't justify yourself.
    Just accept that it was your mistake to let him be in your contact. That's all. And keep showing love to your husband.

    5. Spend time together and remind him of your sweet memories of togetherness post marriage.

    6. Go with the flow. Take it one day at a time.

    Hoping you have a blissful married life.
     

Share This Page