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American Nanny Options?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Did you happen to have an initial sit-down conversation with her on what your expectations for her are and what she expects from you?

    In my case, I can barely make home-cooked meals for us so I told her frankly:

    Could you please bring your meals - breakfast and lunch ? I know sometimes you won't be able to - we will always have bread, eggs and cheese at home - so please make yourself a sandwich on those days. For snacks - we will always have fruit and coffee/tea - so please help yourself. Let me know if there is something else specific that you would like and I will add to our weekly grocery list.

    I try to think of it - as what I would like my manager to tell me clearly - unsaid expectations are really hard.

    One of my close friends is different - she doesn't mind cooking a little extra and likes that nanny and her two young kids sit down and eat the same stuff together - encourages kids to eat the same rather than pine for any treat/different food that nanny is choosing to eat that day. Their nanny was also non-Indian - and loved eating family food.

    I've made my own set of mistakes in this "initial conversation" where each person has to clearly say what they want out of the interaction. Each time - I realized the "unsaid" thing (thinking it is so obvious) - usually comes back to bite us. So need to say the hard things initially.

    I also have a sit-down talk every 1-month - let's look back at the last 1 month. what did you like about working with us? And what did not work? And I also take it upon me praise her for is working well and what we might need to work on.

    Seems too formal but it really helps me say somethings that I have watched over the past month and they can also share something that is not working well for them.

    You could try this if "food" is the only issue and if it is sorted out you would be happy with her services and she seems happy at your home.
     
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  2. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Mine was closer to 1 yr. I could tell because kid was incessantly crying and her consoling strategy didn't feel suited to how young he was. In my case too - she was highly recommended but was more experienced with toddlers and not infants.
     
  3. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    "Food" is not my issue actually. But only this feels strange to me. Usually we ( or mostly indian families) have lot of food and grcoeries at home and we do not count. But I have same thing, I can barely cook for myself. I eat leftovers or free stuff in office.
    Her reference, when i called for reference check, told one, she usually brings her meals. But in our house, from first day on, she is eating openly - breakfast lunch both.
    First 1-2 days she asked, where to sit etc, now she just picks whatever she sees available and eats. She is not cooking for us, because she does not know indian cooking.
    I also wanted defined duties but we were in rush with mom leaving, my job, toddler sick etc, and we wanted my kid to warm upto her in the beginning so I did not ask her much and asked her food in the beginning. She is also ready for coffee.
    Fine with me as long as kids are safe and happy and healthy. She is okay otherwise.
    My friends tell me I should cut down her pay or talk if she is eating here. I somehow, do not have guts to do that.

    I told her yesterday I have very important meeting at 9:00 am in the morning but she is never on time and always 10 mins late but leaves right on time.

    Slowly, I am going to load more responsibilites to her, like cutting veggies and make baby food. But as long as she is taking care of my son and also older one, I am happy. I am going to ask her to feed my older once she is back from school, ask her to sit/do worksheets etc, which takes lot of load from me. Indian nanny may not have patience for older one and too busy in cooking etc.

    One on one /month is a good idea. Takes are fear away
     
  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Ok, So I am at the verge of firing my american nanny and bring home desi one.. but my H inspite of all the issues, does not want to let her go thinking she is good for older one. We hired her for infant and she is not great at that.

    My concerns
    - Plan was she will bring older one from school 1/2 a week so she has to bring her car and we will teach car seat. One morning, she came and said today I brought my car, so lets put the baby in swing and go downstairs so you can teach me.. I was surprised. She said we will strap him to swing. I said 'no we can not leave the baby alone', its okay to leave 1/2 mins for urgent cases like bathroom or quick grocery run to/from basement etc for not like 15 mins job, that too outside home.
    -One month down, today, she left baby alone on bed, while went out to check her car, pump it tyres etc. My H was woring from home and came down and saw the baby alone.
    - We have cameras at 2 major spots but its hard to tell if she went out or in other room so there are chances she did that before too.

    I and my H also agrees she is not very mature with infant handling. She handles boiling water with him in hands.
    One day, she started baking by herself, i did not ask. Then one day was heating garlic ( as she told) and burnt my wooden floor.
    Baby also does not settle with her and she is not able to feed him. She never comes on time, its not 3-4 mins, 1 hr late.

    Nothing else, my grocery is going down at super high speed. I see on cameras she is always eating and more like eating out of greed. . I saw my big box of indian cookies vanished. My costco croissants finish in 2 days. ..Then suddenly she is on health diet and cooking rice for 5 people.

    Just in one day, she makes indian tea 2 times, eats all fruits bananas /oranges whatever comes, potatos, broccolli , spinach in the house, boiled eggs , curry. I had big costco box of cashes. I saw it is all empty ( just couple remaining). I saw her with big bowl full of cashews. Next day, remaining few ..box empty.
    I told her she can help herself but eating out of greed ...and so many red flags.
    My H still wants to keep her thinking she is good with older one. But I do not trust her anymore to leave her alone with him and take infant to school tp pick older one and home with both.
    Its hard for mom to keep up with both kids so i know she is not even mature enough.
    Yesterday my daughter told she was not locked, seat belt, when she came home alone wih nanny first time. My daughter herself straps herself but I have to make sure she does it before we start.

    My H points -
    - She can read books stories that indian nanny won't
    - She can keep older one busy that desi nanny won't
    - She can teach her music.

    What... at the rate of risking my son (and lot of grocery :)) I do not know if she is bagging stuff or not.
     
  5. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Sanjuruby,

    That description doesn't paint a picture of a reliable nanny. Am sure you will be be able to find someone much better on care.com if you spend more time and effort.
    If I were you, I would start looking for someone new ASAP. When I posted an ad on care.com, I got a lot of responses and was able to find my nanny who is amazing with my kid.
    Also when you advertise the job, it's good to be clear about the description, what sort of care you need with the baby (my number one rule is usage of cellphones to be limited to when the child is sleeping or in emergency), whether or not you need help with your older kid, would you be providing nanny meals or snacks/coffee such. Having a contract detailing the duties and expectations would be helpful. For example we have a clause saying being late more than three occasions is reason for termination.
    Hope this helps.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
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  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Why wouldn't the Indian nanny read books?? Every one knows English now
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are worried about the safety of your kids with the present nanny, find another asap
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Sanjuruby, forget about the groceries she is finishing off, the burnt garlic on the floor, and that she can read books, teach music. Her suggesting to you that the baby be left in the house while you both went out, and handling boiling water while holding the baby and she is still getting used to the baby should be reason to replace her as soon as possible.

    The one hour late arrival is also not good. Once in a while emergencies happen, but people like nannies and teachers are expected to be on time.

    Leaving baby inside the house while stepping out is very risky. Crazy things happen. She can get locked out with her cell phone and the baby inside the house. Moms and dads also take such risks. But if something like getting locked out happens, their reaction and action will be different from that of a panicked nanny. The parent will think how to get back in, will break a window if necessary. The nanny might first think how do I make sure the parent never gets to know about this. During the day most neighbors are at work, and ringing their doorbell is not an option.

    I don't want to alarm you but you really have to let this nanny go. She doesn't seem to be someone you can trust with your children. Have you checked her driving record? Have you driven some distance with her and observed her driving while she does not know you have come along to observe her driving?

    I have seen such nannies picking up the older kid from the preschool or kindergarten. They leave the baby in the car if he is sleeping. They don't want to wake up a sleeping baby or lug the heavy car seat as they go to sign out or pick up the older child.

    Again, not to alarm you. But please discuss it again with your husband and let this nanny go.

    One more thing: if you try to talk with her about these things, and she does not take it too well, use your judgement and intuition, and let her go immediately with 2 weeks wages if necessary. Never leave your child with someone who is very ticked off with you and whom you don't know very well yet, and who did not come with many reliable references.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2019
  9. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Hey @sanjuruby3
    Feeling very uncomfortable reading what you’ve seen. I would absolutely let the nanny go too. Any red flag with regards to baby safety is a sure no-no. And no car seat belt with the older one - I don’t see why she would even be considered better for older kid. No reading/music skill is worth any risks to safety.

    Also fully second Rihana’s termination advice. Here is what I would do - at the *end of the day* (Not at the beginning of the day - because I wouldn’t leave kid even for a day with someone who may not be happy with being let go) and let her know that you have had to change plans and have to let go of her. I would pay her generously since she has been with you a month at-least now and hence knows a lot about your home and kid/kids school etc (safety concerns) so there is no chance of her feeling any negativity.
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    I didn't read anything past the fact that she comes 1 hour late and she is irresponsible handling your voiceless defenseless baby. And this is with your mom around and your H working at home. How can you trust such a person with your child?
    Give her the required notice and hire a new nanny.
     
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