Am i wrong in thinking that ILs are becoming greedy ? - long post

Just wanted to understand if am wrong to think like this reg our finances - sorry for the long post - wanted ur advice and also wanted to vent as this has been bugging me for quite some time

PILs are financially dep on my DH - only son..FIL doesnt have pension or any such monthly income...they get the monthly rent of DH's house ( they are not staying there)..and DH also sends some money every month - no issues, its his dutry to support his parents and they have every right to expect..

For our expense..we each pool in x% of our salary every month and any extra expense is borne by me as I earn much more than DH infact any major household exp for us - like a microwave or anything for our house is by me by default ..any vacations that me and DH take - 90% of the cost is borne by me ..both of us have our housing loans as well

Other thing is DH is doing distance MS and this costs 1lac every semester..For his MS,I have contributed mostly as DH can save very little every month with house exp+Home loan+parents money..and i dont mind paying as well

I also closed the marriage loan taken by DH for our marriage ( PILs in really bad fin. situation..cudnt afford marriage expense) even though our side paid for the marriage (south indian culture).Initially after marriage, DH started paying me a fixed amount every month to repay the amrriage loan even though i didnt want it, he was insistent and so i agreed..

i tried to plan our finances with DH saying lets put % to everything so that we are clear - but everytime i brought this topic, it lead to argument..

In our 3.5 yrs of marriage DH has not got me any jewellery (gold or anything exp) and i also never asked..Now i recently asked DH for a diamond ring since he hasnt bought me anything after marriage and also since am pregnant it wud be a nice gift..a few days after i asked..when i reminded him humorously he picked a big fight that how can i even dare to ask even though i know his financial situation..
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his is what really ticked me off..last year for FIL's 60th they wanted it to be very grand and DH spent 60k on this and whatver returns came went to FIL and a month back FIL wanted to buy a plot for 30k from close relative as it was verycheap..DH told me accidently.. he didnt plan on telling me..and whatver luxuries PILs want ( AC/inverter/expensive mobile phone/LCD TV..) everything DH got..i never complained..i encouraged coz its his duty to do..

but after that fight for ring, i felt..didnt i also deserve something? when he could use his savings on buying whatever they asked ..cudnt he for once buy this? anyways in the fight i told him tat i wud never expect anything and later he apologized and told that he will buy..


now recently DH told me accidently that FIL has a savings of 2.5 lac which he made by restricting the monthly expense..i was surprised bcoz every month MIL keeps cribbing tat they dont buy fuits or healthy stuff coz of money.. and they ask DH for anything extra for eg..FIL needed 2k extra last month and he asked DH to transfer( he transfers x fixed amount of what DH gives every month to savings..so by end of the month they are short at times and ask DH to transfer) ..they never touch the savings..and recently they asked DH to increase the amt he is transferring as they are unable to manage ( then how the savings???).


Now recently ILs visited us and i accidently somwhow told MIL that i asked DH for a diamond ring..few days after that i came to know during some other argument with ILs that MIL had asked DH why she couldnt buy on her own..why is she expecting from you..she and FIL also directly asked me this..why cant u buy urself from ur salary.i got angry and told her that he is my husband and a wife will expect only from her H..MIL said she was only concerned abt how DH will manage his finances as its a big amount that will cost 20-30k..i controlled myself and didnt question on all the luxuries that they wanted...we wanted to buy a 2 wheeler and MIL infact told me u will only anyways pay for it..where does DH have the money..i clearly told them that i hardly have any savings ( i do have some secretly invested with DH now after all these incidents)..

For DH MS, MIL told during the argument that she will pledge her jewellery and pay for MS ..we said no need, we will take care

Now that am pregnant and we were discussing abt functions that happens as per customs, i told DH that i dont want anything grand and DH was like..no MIL wants it grand as its the first grandchild..now am really angry..as they will expect DH to foot the bill and he will again not have any savings at all as he will agree and pay for watever they ask..recently he also told that his dad told that all his (FIL) savings is for our grandchild and a month back he told its for their last rites as they dont want to trouble DH after they are dead..i was like shell shocked and told DH that this is the most disgusting reason if they think that DH will not take care of last rites..


what am really surprised is they dont want to touch their savings for any reason..maybe they dont trust DH ( coz of me )to care for them? even for MS they are talking abt pledging jewellery ( we are not planning to ask them as we can take care of it)..bcoz of all these issues am a bit insecure since we are expecting baby and i am afraid that whatver savings DH will make will go in some expense of other for them...DH will get our MS money reimbursed by his company and I asked DH to give me back what i gave for his MS (purely for savings..) as i dont trust him to manage..am sure once he gets it PIL will expect some amount of the bulk for them..but its actually DH and my money in it and DH has no cash savings at all...

am also worried that with baby expenses are going to shoot up like anything and again i will end up paying for everything..i have no issues as long as DH is saving but now it seems like whatver DH is saving is going to my ILs..right now for all my ob visits..am paying...during our recent fight when DH said he has more rights on baby ( read my other post) .i then asked him to foot the bill for my medical..i dont have the heart to actually ask him as i know he is struggling with his expenses but i feel that am used by my ILs as they know that i pay for most things and so keep on asking something from DH..


am i wrong to assume that PILs are becoming a bit greedy? am i wrong to ask DH to give my money back to me so that i can save it better?

 

i agree..thats why stopped asking anything..infact for this diwali when i dint get anything from DH..i asked for a watch and when i realized that he didnt want to spend money on me, i stopped asking and expecting..didnt bring up the ring topic again!!

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i do everything thinking its "our" money and till now had no issues...but now i really need to have some savings with the baby coming on board and thats why asked DH to manage this..and for once expected something that i can tell everyone that DH gave me..yes i can do it even if its my money..but the feeling is special when it really is from DH...tats why asked him..

Wish they are..but they are not ..they think that i always have money stacked in somewhere ( i earn x times more than DH and tats y they think this ..also my parents are not fin. dep. on me)..during a recent argument told our ILs that we dont have much of savings..they then asked my account of all my expenses and when i gave them answer FIL asked what about the money you saved bfre marriage...i was too shocked and bfre i cud reply tat its none of his business or something equivalent..the topic fortunately changed... this behavior of my ILs only makes me feel used by them...they dont think that they are spending more..

infact DH mobile was stolen and is using some basic mobile..PILs are expecting me to buy a nice phone..am also ready ..but why dont they even get the thought that maybe they can do something..am i wrong here?

they dont understand..they somehow think i have money for everything...

 

Sandhya, just wanted to clarify- i buy whatever i want without asking, but when i need something expensive, i believe in discussing with DH since it shouldnt affect our budget/fin planning...as for jewellery..again am planning to buy myself post delivery, but maybe like u said, it was my wishful thinking that DH buys me something...

Also, both my ILs and DH know that i contribute a lot..infact, during some recent argument with ILs, DH said that, it bcoz of her (me) only that they are getting whatever they want in life and that he is studying MS ..ILs were obviously angered..but their POV is my money is their money and they have said during arguments that what i earn is their(IL) right ( i dont agree and DH knows this)..DH doesnt think like this and as long as we have an understanding it doesnt matter..

and my concern is not abt my kid's bday..even i wud want to celebrate it grandly..its the functions that happens during pregnancy..MIL is a showoff and thats why they wanted a grand 60th and thats why she wants a grand 7th month function ..this is generally done by girl's parents and i told DH that we are doing it simple..so MIL wants a seperate function to invite all her 60+ relatives to show off..which is what am sick of..if something is done out of affection, its different and if its done just to show off..then its different..

Also, i cannot discuss these with ILs as our relationship is strained..how do u suggest i handle this? money is a super sensitive issue to ILs ...i can happily discuss with DH if he wud oblige as such whenever we start discussing on savings, he gets defensive and it leads to lot of arguments...