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Am I Over Reacting??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by advice, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. advice

    advice New IL'ite

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    Ok so a very long story short I am a divorcee who is about to get married to another divorcee in a couple of months. And I have an odd problem that is really freaking me out. I have know him for about 7 months now and our marriage has been fixed 3 months from now. In the the past 7 months I have never been on a individual date with him. Like just the two of us. It has always been a group date, with friends or family. In the beginning I thought it was to make sure I am not uncomfortable, given that I am not as outgoing as he is. But now seriously I would like some lone time with him and he just doesn’t seem to need it at all.
    He always tags people along, even if someone says they are busy he practically forces them to come while my heart would be longing for some lone time. This has gone to the extent that if a plan is made with friends and his sister and all, and for some reason they cancel, the whole dinner gets cancelled and the two of us though we can go don’t go out. Isn’t that odd? I don’t know what bothers me more the fact that we have no lone time or that he doesn’t seem to need it. We do spend hours together on the phone at night talking and all, but for some reason when it comes to spending time with me alone in public he doesn’t at all. I don’t get it, is he scared of his family or that they will say something or is there some bigger problem. I am not against group dates at all infact I like all his friends and all, but you I would like atleast one lone date in exchange to like 20 group date you know.
    Isn’t this odd? Please help me? I know the first advice that many of you will give me is that talk to him about how you feel and tell him that you want some time to yourself. But you know I can never really do that, my mind things, whats the point is asking a person for something that doesn’t occur to him. And I would lose the whole purpose of it. And mind would hate it. HELP ME PLEASE!!! Is there something I am failing to see? I cant go into a blunder again and with the marriage date fixed I am more scared!!
     
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  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Make your own group date and ask your friends to go missing ! This way you get him to yourself and get to talk with him alone face to face.
    Or plan a shopping, movie,dinner date just the two of you.
    Maybe you are agreeing to all his plans to keep him happy but are getting choked with overdose of friends and family.
    Time to be yourself and arrange a real date.
    Sure sounds strange that he wants to out only in groups . Maybe he is nervous of meeting you alone and having some heart to heart talks.
    Set the trap , try it !:thumbsup
     
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  3. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Both of you already come out of the previous marriage. I feel both of you know what went wrong from their end and their ex-spouse end. So it is always best to leave the past and move on with the life by not committing the same mistakes.
    After reading your note I feel guy is little shy to spend time with you alone ; he may be thinking this is not first time been through this earlier ...now i have to be more matured ...something like this sort of ..hope you are getting it.
    He don't have any problem talking with you for long hrs, as no one will come to know (his parents/relatives/friends).

    What you can do is talk to him on the phone about this topic like spending time together only two of you before the marriage to know better. And ask him does he has problem with that ? If agrees then done your problem solved; if not then get to know the problem and with mild note make him to agree ; why you are insisting to have this.
     
  4. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Well both ways. Not exactly odd. Things to consider:

    1. Maybe your family/his family dont like these dates before marriage?
    2. Maybe bcos you are not very outgoing, he feels this is a good place to start with?
    3. Would like to know how you get along with his family and friends.


    Adding, to what FL had said, try a couple date!
    Ask a 'couple' friend of yours to come for a movie and a dinner date. Make sure, they leave after the movie, and u guys have a dinner. But rather than all these, I would ask him straight on the face!
     
  5. IndianFunTube

    IndianFunTube New IL'ite

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    No, you're not overreacting one bit. In fact, you're thinking right! What is preventing you from directly ask him this question? I do find it strange that he doesn't want to spend alone time with you. Anyway, don't feel shy of seeking clarifications from him but make sure you do so without offending him or getting too aggressive.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2012
  6. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    I understand you are hesitant to ask, but I would recommend that you speak out and understand the reason, rather than worrying. Who knows, he might just be worried, that you may mistake him if he asks on a one-on-one date.

    Instead of worrying more and getting confused ask him if he is bringing people to just to make you comfortable.

    Just one word, hope you know why he had a divorce earlier.
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I was similar to you.Typically don't like to ask people.But thing is either don't ask and don't bother.Your mind shouldn't be thinking about it.
    If you bother about something ,it's better to ask.No one can give you answer other than the person who is bothering you.These things won't end today.you will have one or other.So it's better start speaking about them.
     
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  8. rmads99

    rmads99 New IL'ite

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    No, you are not over reacting. If I were you I would feel the same. I think it is important for you to understand why he does not want to go out or meet alone. Reason could be very simple or complex, i think you will get peace of mind only when you know it. Why don't you plan for a couple dinner/outing and give him a suprise? Plan something and do not give him time to get friends. If he is trying to cancel the plan then try to find out reason. Believe me asking a simple question does not hurt.
     
  9. unhappywife

    unhappywife Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I wonder whether he is worried about his earlier divorce. May be if his ex-wife or his family might attack him if they see him in public with another woman. Did you find the cause of his divorce? Are you sure he is divorced from his wife completely? Check all the possible cases because I don't find it normal for a person bringing in so many people for all the dates. This is like he is feared of attacks from his ex-wife or his relations or he has not divorced legally. Check before you proceed with the marriage.
     
  10. advice

    advice New IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for your thoughts. So here is some more info on things so that you will get better clarity on things and maybe advice me better.

    He comes from a pretty socially respectable family so I am totally sure that he has be truely divorced so that is not the problem. Also, he use to live in the US and came back to India after getting his GC and all where as his ex continues to live there and she is an 2nd generation citizen so she and her family live in the US. The reason for their divorce is incompatibility in general, you know how it can be when one has been born and raised in the US and the born and raised in India and then goes to the US for Masters and Job. So that is abt his divorce.

    More info on us and my situation. We have been intimate, I mean like kissing nothing more. So I am pretty sure he doesn't have intimacy issue (atleast for the kissing part!!) But when we are in front of any one he acts like I am a total stranger to him almost as if he doesn't know me. I am not asking for Public Display of Affection, but you know we dont even talk!!

    And for some reason he constantly needs other people to be there. Whether its a movie or a dinner or just going out, even for a walk, he asks if someone wants to join and if they say no we end up not going. I dont know what the cause of this fear is. Or if he is one of those people who thinks its odd to have any public display of wanting to spend time with your wife/fiannce.

    Pour in your thoughts. Oh one advice I got from a close friend is for me to avoid all gruop outings by giving some excuse till he gets the idea. What do you think of this? Will it rupture our relationship or will he get the idea??
     

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