1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Am I Expecting Too Much?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anivijay, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,014
    Likes Received:
    9,844
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Although I did not go through all the posts above, I can easily get the heart of this post.

    The issue is, your family thinks that you are well off in abroad, and leading a very comfy, lavish life style there. Their perception towards you, and their approach towards you is that.
    However, in contrast to their thinking, you are leading a very basic life in abroad (Reasons are mentioned above, but not very convincing to me). Apparently, your life in abroad is very very basic compared to the decent life of your mother, and your well off sister.

    This difference is not explicitly communicated between the families.

    Rather, you have always covered your problems under the rug by pretending to be rich. It was your good heart that wanted to gift your mom and sisters everytime lavishly, but they have taken it otherwise.
    Again communication issue.

    So, it is hard from their end to believe that they too could help or meet your requirements through a basic gift of their standards.
    Even 2000/= saree would be too small for you according to their imagination about you. They may be embarrassed to offer something too cheap (2000/=) for a rich person like that. And they would obviously expect a lot from you, because they are under the impression that you are super rich. So, why not.....

    This has happened to one of my cousin, but that was purely due to her "showing off" nature. Even her voluntary helps out of good heart was considered as if she has excess money; hence wasting them at family blah..blah..

    When she was in deep trouble, people commented as if it was crocodile tears. When she could not help, everyone was angry as to why can't she support despite of being super rich.

    In fact, all her siblings are richer than her, but they acted as if they were poor/moderate and no way comparable to their super rich sister.

    So, when she was in financial crisis, no one bothered to help, as they thought they could never help to a rich sister according to her standards.

    It took them several years to come to reality that their sister is actually struggling to meet her ends needs, and there is nothing that she could do further. But then, everyone complained why can't she save or think about her future instead of "showing off" with expensive gifts earlier?

    Mahanati Savitri's case comes to my mind whenever I think about my cousin. Now that, your case too sounds similar.

    You offer so much help to others when you are rich. Others are happy as long as they receive your helps, and think you are super rich and no way comparable to them. They stabilize, while you deteriorate in wealth. They don't even bother to help, as they think you are too high and they can never reach out to your standards.
    In a blink of an eye, you come too low, and they blame you for being spendthrift instead of lifting you up.

    That's life.

    Stay grounded...
     
  2. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    170
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for the reply SGBV.

    Yes. Communication gap is the problem.

    I have been talking to my mother every day. At least for 1 hr. There were days, I was crying to her. Lots of arguments with husband about money and I used to tell her everything. I wont tell the part that involves them. But they are not believing me. If I could not reach them, what shall I do? I have felt sometimes that there is a glass wall between me and my mother and I am not able to reach her. I never showed off. But loved them so much and expressed my love towards them through these little gifts. And they have taken it for granted.


    Don't know what to do. If your own mother, can be so cold when you are crying, I feel isolated. Feel like I have no one. Its creating lots of stress and I could not sleep and even now going to India for a heart checkup( I suspect its because of stress).

    For example, my family visited me here and we spent a lot. I requested them to come in 2 batches but they decided to come together and I have to manage all the stress( food, travel, accomodation, finance, gifts to take back ) and everything. My husband treated them nicely. Once they went back, shouting at me in one argument saying you are responsible for all these expenses. Why I have to spend money for your mother and your sisters? If I say, ok take from my salary he is telling dont talk like you are only earning. its family income. you have to find some other way to bring that money. I can not tell this directly to my mother. But I end up with raised heart beats for a week and ended up in emergency care.

    What my mother thinks, my husband is so good. never hurted her in anyway. But, He is hurting me. I am the one getting blames from both the sides.


    I know its not good for my health. At the end of the day, I am not able to satisfy any ones demands.

    My Aunts and uncles are always telling that I am strongest. I have to take care of others and blaming me that I chose to settle in foreign country while I have a disabled sister. But to be frank, I am too tired of being strong. I have done my share. I am exhausted now. I want a shoulder to lean on. No one is realising that including my mother. I dont know where to go.

    I dont expect any gifts from them now. By God's grace, I have joined back to work. And we dont have that financial trouble any more. But I have changed. I am not that same person anymore. If they expect me to buy all those lavish gifts now, no is my answer. The equation has changed.

    I dont want to have any arguments with them. just want to have a peaceful vacation and come back. Please tell how to be stress free in this situation?
     
  3. Dobby

    Dobby Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    183
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    My heart goes out to you. Loads of hugs to you.

    Pls forget (forgive) all that has happened. No one in your family understands the trouble you underwent and the valuable support your lent.

    Now forget extended family (including mother sisters )and in-laws. Think of your health, kid and ur husband.

    If your mother or sisters need anything, pls know that they can manage. So stop worrying about them.

    You are strong. Take care of Your health.

    During this visit keep calm. Talk normal. If they expect you to buy them stuff give excuses. Don’t entertain their requests.

    Stop all the expectations. If you don’t have any expectations there’s no disappointments. Things are beyond your control. Seriously ignore unimportant things. Your health should be your only priority now.

    You have done enough for your family. Stop gifting them. They are well off.

    Even if you gift make it small things. Not in lakhs. If you stop gifting like this their expectations will stop and your fights with your husband will reduce.

    Don’t know if I have put these things in perspective. Just wrote what I felt.

    Pls don’t worry and spoil your health. Loads of hugs.

    Update Once you return from your trip.

    Cheers
     
  4. IL86

    IL86 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    39
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    @anivijay ,you have brought this issue by your own mistakes. Why did you hide from your mother about the money issues involving them which you faced with your husband? You should have told everything whenever your husband objected about money issues.

    And I have read your other post about trip related as well, your mother and sister are selfish and they will not think about you. You need to become selfish too , is it really worth taking stress so much that you end up in emergency care. Why did you pretend that your husband had no objection to spending on them, instead of being clear to them you painted your husband as God and ended up as villain. And I don't think your DH is wrong here , anyone would have objected if family income is spent on others lavishly.

    Your priority is you,your kids and DH,not them.
    Stop spending on them. Save your money for your future. Have you thought about your kids future if you develop medical issues due to stress.

    If you feel like you have everything pent up in yourself get it out call, message or mail whatever mode of communication you have and tell everyone your mother,sister about how spending on them caused issues in your marriage. Tell everything your DH told each time you spent on them. And tell them now onwards you are going to put yourself as priority and will not be a sacrificial lamb both sides and won't spend money on them. People end up with medical issues when they bolt up everything and suffer alone. Get it out let them know how selfish they are and let your mother know how her son in law is not the god she thinks. I mean no mother would say a daughter you torcher your husband, how cruel those words are. You need to open her eyes. Don't keep it inside and suffer. May be once you tell everything in open your stress might reduce and have better health. You need your health for your kids sake.
     
    GlobetrotterG likes this.
  5. Moochi

    Moochi Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    @anivijay my heart goes out to you. But I daresay you have brought it upon yourself. I'm sorry for saying this. But this is what it is.

    You spent on your sisters while they were single and took up their marriage expenses. You are a dutiful elder sister and daughter. You should've stopped it right there. In your own words your mother gets 50k pm. What is the need to spend on her even more? By doing so you have given them a belief that you can afford to do so.

    You are married now. Your husband and kids are your primary family. Really I'm astonished you spent so much on them while you were struggling financially. Really you were the one sending mixed signals here.

    Start saving for future.... Your kids and retirement. In this trip stay with your mom. Take care of your expenses. Don't buy them anything. Lament on financial constraints. Just be normal with them...

    no need to spend on adult married sisters so much. I understand your husband's anger in this regard. It appears to him that you care more gor your FOO. wake up!! Work on your marriage...your real family with your husband and kids
     
    sweetsmiley likes this.
  6. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    170
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Dobby,
    Thanks for the reply. you are right. Thats what I am going to do. Praying god that I should stay calm. not getting into any arguments and come back peacefully. Will update once I return.
     
  7. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    170
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for reply IL86. I used to tell the money issues between me and my husband. But , generally I wont tell the part that involves them. Feel like, it would spoil my husband's image. But the thing is, if they listened to me, they could easily understand the atmosphere. Its not very hard to fill in the blanks. They see only things that they want to see.

    Already told them so many times. They just keep coming with stupid reasons which hurts me a lot. Its like a cycle dragging me. Everytime we discuss this, I could feel pressure for 2, 3 days. Can not take it anymore. Just going to keep quiet. If they ask me, why didn't you buy this or that, I am going to tell I didnt have time.

    I felt like I have wasted my time all these years by talking to my mom. If some one could not understand what I am going through, even after I tell everything, what's the point of talking to them?
     
  8. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    170
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for the reply Moochi. Yes you are right. I didnt know where to stop. I just spoiled them. now they dont think I am also a human being. Its my fault.

    In these last 3 years of financial stress, I didnt send any mixed signal. I was clearly crying for help. They just closed their hearts and ears. During their visit, my sister was asking even after 7 years of living here, why do you still calculate in rupee for everything? you both people are earning. I explained, how we struggled for last 2 years and how we started all over again. I was surprised , that even after I was talking about this all time, nothing goes inside her head. They have a image about me and its beneficial for them. so, they are not ready to change it.

    They have been complaining that I am not the same person that I used to be. Never ready to realise, my situation changed.
     
  9. Dobby

    Dobby Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    183
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    If they have not understood you for so long, what makes you think that they are going to understand now.

    Remember the saying you can wake up the person who is sleeping but you can’t wake up the person who is pretending to sleep.

    If they think you are changed, it’s good for you.

    I have seen ppl being exploited in the name of family. Pls wake up.

    If your sisters and mother don’t see the suffering even after you told them. Fine. Be cool. No need to tell them anything or expect anything.

    Live your life. Your kid and your husband is your priority. Your health is your first priority. You have to come out of this.

    Stop thinking about what your mom bought for your sisters or what you did for them.

    Whatever happened we can’t change. Now think of future. That’s in your control. Change your thoughts. Live peacefully. Don’t put your heart too much into conversations with your mom and sisters.

    Slowly reduce the talks. Keep it to how r u and simple things.

    If your want to pour in your feelings. Do it in this forum. You will have more sisters here who understands your feelings better than blood relations.

    Take care
     
    Amica and anivijay like this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,407
    Likes Received:
    22,186
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op....your family has turned you into a sacrificial child.
    Since you were eldest and responsible,they turned you into the ' son ' they needed.
    Since you took on that responsibility willingly ,they expect you to continue it forever.

    Firstly about your husband. How would you like it if your husband took on all responsibility of his family and spent on them lavishly even when you were tight financially.
    Your husband's words may have been harsh but not wrong.
    He is the one who will be with you forever and he and kids should be your priority.

    As for your sisters....they are educated adults and not your responsibility. Even your disabled sister is not your responsibility if she is educated and has a job.
    Your other sister seems to be one selfish leech.
    Stop gifting her anything . She does not deserve it.

    Your mother has taken you for granted for too long .
    Let go of your expectations from her.

    Stop expecting gifts from them because they are not coming from the heart.
    These little gifts or expectation of gifts will cost you lakhs in return.

    Concentrate on building your relationship with husband and save for your future.
    You know your family is not going to have your back .

    As for your visit,concentrate on your health check ups.
    If they ask why you did not get gifts...tell them you are here because you are not well. Let them know you have no spare money and you have to pay for your medical treatment .

    Don't entertain any talks of money in future. You have done more than your duty . Your mom and sister are financially capable.

    Best wishes op....concentrate on yourself and your well being .
    Take care
     

Share This Page