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Am I a bad mom?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by tuffyshri, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    My 5 year old DD is good. But I feel that I have failed to turn her into a star child. can you pls help me with your thoughts.

    1) I am very irritable, short tempered, dont ask me why but I have my own reasons that will press the red button inside myself that I yell and start beating :( She has picked that from me. Now she is very impatient, just like me.

    2) Only very few are liked by others, and me and my DD are definitely not in that category. I feel that she is never been liked by her friends, they only use her and her toys, etc. and seldom invite her for any social gathering, etc.

    3) She is slightly egoistic. for eg., there were few competitions in her school, but when I asked her to practice, she was over confident that she would do it on the D-Day only and need not practice. Unlike the real star child, she forgot everything on the stage and turned out to just scratch her head and sat back in her place.

    4) She NEVER has got any prize, though I keep pushing her. She is not having any kind of impact, but I feel very hurt that she couldnt get any

    5) She is capable of doing drawings and paintings, but is doing shabbily. Read point no. 3 - if I try to correct her she becomes agitated

    6) Her studies are very good but. She writes neatly, capable of reading sentences, loves to read books. Finishes her homework without any support. Yet she is getting a B grade only in her school

    7) she is not appearing in any photo that is taken in her school; she is not selected for any annual day or other activities in her school.

    8) She is very good in telling stories and show-n-tell yet her teacher complaints that she has a very feeble voice and is not able to hold the listeners attention

    9) She is ok in singing, very poor in dancing - going to try out putting her in music class

    10) Zero in sports - though active in playing games in the park, cycling, etc.

    Please dont complain that I am expecting too much... but do give some good inputs on how to get her attention. BTW am a working mom and have time in the evening and weekends.
     
  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Tuffyshri,

    come on cheer up. i know many say there is nothing called bad mom..but i know bad moms..but from what you describe, you are not one..it is just your expectations are too high for your daughter.

    comeon she is just 5 years, let her enjoy her childhood. if star children could just happen in every household, we will not have fun.. there is too much pressure, tears, heartbreak in some of the so called child prodigies you are referring too.

    every child is a star in their own capacity. just because they are not like some of the kids who are outshining because of luck and opportunities does not mean that you have to belittle your child in your own eyes.
    Ok, you have identified your problem. maybe both of you can learn to gether..remember our kids observe and absorb from us..parental osmosis. so maybe your daughter is going to teach you patience.. the moment you feel you are going to press the red button move out of the scene..go into the rest room wash your face or go and drink a glass of water.. both of you cannot have temper tantrums at the same time.

    tuffy, i think you are looking at the glass half empty.and do not be judgmental maybe other kids feel inferior that they do not the kind of toys in their homes to invite her..sometimes, it is better to observe what is happening without being in their direct view..how your daughter behaves, how the other children react, also could hold the key..

    this is not egoistic..you are again confusing yourself.. a child in her age does not know what is ego though she may mimic some influence. but here she has been over confident, and it is very common in kids. they learn from their mistakes..instead of going on and on telling her that i told you to practice, and you did not , if you did you will win just like that real star....you can sit with her, and tell her, even when you are confident that you know everything, there are times when you tend to forget when you go in front of a crowd, or in front of the class or in the excitement while doing it, so to avoid that let us practice the same a few more times..

    the more you push her, the more she is going to hate it if she does not have any interest in that. remember a prize is not the only thing that means winning. if she has gone up the stage and tried her best, it means she has won over her stage fear, she is gaining confidence..do not nip off the confidence..

    not all 5 year old can sit in a place and draw without being shabby. so let her be her..she will learn. you cannot correct her for every line. just allow her to do it her way..when she brings the final output, tell her she has done a wonderful job, and then tell her it would be more nice if she could do it more neat..and pin these drawings even if they are shabby on your fridge or a pin up board..recognition and appreciation is what the kids need not continuous critiscism and correction..
    not all kids can get 100 in everything. maybe that is her capacity..getting a b consistently shows she is good. and maybe she will improve on her own..appreciate the independent way of her learning, reading books at 5 years.i know kids who need their parents to sit with them to even write a single letter.

    so what. maybe she is scared of failing..if you keep on comparing, and criticising, she will lose her confidence. find out from her teacher what is the reason without going overboard.

    it is ok to have a feeble voice. sometimes, teachers expect too much..i am sure the teacher is giving her comments based on your expectations...you want to improve your child's methods..listen to her stories..ask her to talk..record it ..play it to her..then tell her that it should reach the ear's of the child sitting in the last bench..because even that child should enjoy and appreciate your kiddo's story..that simple responsiblity that her voice should reach the last row will help her do well..
    come on tuffy, let her do something she is really good at or interested or passionate..otherwise, it is going to be miserable to both of you.
    nothing to comment.
    short of being rude, i feel you are actually expecting too much from a 5 year old. remember she is a individual in her own right. quality time is more important than quantity. it does not make much difference if you are a working or stay at home mom. stop trying to live your dreams through your child. allow her to grow as HER and not what you expect of HER. and what we did and what we were does not hold good today.

    our kids are more sharper, more exposed, and are more smarter than us..so should our parenting be in tandem with that.

    so cheerup.. excelling in studies, arts, sports and everything else, will happen, when your child is happy, confident and feels she is loved.
     
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  3. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    thank you for the swift, responsible and line by line clear response, Shanvy. I have tears in my eyes as I read your lines through my daughter's eyes. Yes, I think I am trying to live my dreams through her. :-( Will try my best not to hurt my little one and see the change... thanks once again.
     
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  4. gopituty

    gopituty Silver IL'ite

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    Spend quality time with your kid yaar..She will do wonders for sure..

    All the Best..
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2011
  5. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    goputuity,

    the reason for people coming to this forum, is to look at a third perspective..and the op has already agreed she is wrong..it is not fair on your part to write something so harsh when she has understood things..

    so please go through replies of the op in subsequent posts before pushing buttons.. whether like or unlike..

    sometimes we need give a lee way to people..not all are born with the same maturity..some need to learn to come to that maturity..

    tuffy do not take it to heart dear... just take what is needed and brush away everthing else that people say..
     
  6. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    thank you for punching that out on my face gopituty. I deserve that. but I am not expecting everything from my kid... I am infact going one after the other to see what is that she is really fitting into. I am just trying to assess her. if you have a kid, you will also be concerned... so am I. To answer your question - no i am bad myself, and do not have any friends. I dont want my kid also to suffer like me, do mistakes like me...
     
  7. gopituty

    gopituty Silver IL'ite

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    Am really sorry for that reply yaar.. I have completely removed it..

    Shanvy has done a good reply.. May be you can follow as she has told..

    As you have told your kid is following your foot steps, you have to be very careful in your steps..

    All the Best..

    These days kids are too good yaar.. You are so lucky that you kid is doing her homework without anyone's support.. You have to be really proud of that..
     
  8. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tuffy,

    You are a very good mom, thinking so much about the development of your daughter. Just that your enthusiasm is misplaced :)

    Shanthi has given very good suggestions.Adding more:

    first find out what extra curricular activities your daughter is interested in. Then try to improve her skills in the same. Also, let her improve at the pace comfortable to her. Pushing her too much might make her lose interest, Encourage her so that her interest and enthusiasm continues.

    As she grows, her interests might change. So be flexible when she says she likes to pursue a new hobby or course.
     
  9. Veni77

    Veni77 Gold IL'ite

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    Tuffy,

    I just read your post and the answers given by other friends...I am not going to suggest anything new here. What Shanvy has told is COMPLETE. One thing I really want to appreciate on you is that, You are so damn good that. You accept your mistakes. That's a great gesture. Probably, many moms would be pushing their kids without thinking too much about it. In your case, you have already started thinking about it. So, the first step is taken towards it...

    Good dear!!!
     
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  10. prana

    prana IL Hall of Fame

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    come on tuffy..the fisrt step in correcting ourselves is identifying our own mistakes.You know whats the mistake u r making..so am sure , u can cum out of this..
    in this competitive world, what we need is quality time, not the quantity time.so first come out of your, am-working-mom,'have-less-time' all these things.
    Start socialize with others..cum out of your shell dear..so ur little angle apparenty cum out of hers too..everything is in our mind only right..
    According to me this is the golden period..we can also grow up with our chidlren at this age..we can learn,enjoy,sing,dance what not..everything we can do with our kid..so enjoy this phase of your life tuffy..all the best..
     
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