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Alone

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by girvani, Jul 4, 2017.

  1. girvani

    girvani Platinum IL'ite

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    As I entered my hotel room, tears started flowing, I didn’t know how to spend the evening all by myself. From the birth until the marriage I lived with my parents and then with my husband. Being born in Sri Lanka during the civil war time even didn’t separate me from my parents. When I went to the University, I was lucky that we lived in the same city so I didn’t need to face the hostel life. After the marriage, we moved around continents due to our jobs in the oil industry and with God’s grace myself and my husband were together. Then the family expanded and I embarked on a new journey as the children settled in their schools. The very first time in my life, I needed to go somewhere without anyone and conduct research for 10 days all by myself. The very first time I needed to spend 9 days all alone. It might be nothing to many but for me it is the FIRST time.

    I really do not know how to deal with not having everlasting demands on myself. I lounged for my son’s cuddles, to witness their cheekiness, and of course their fights. I used to think will I ever have a moment for myself and now I have 216 hours to concentrate on my research and me, and look at me, I am crying. Is this a leela of life? I may have learnt many things in my life, experienced some difficult situations but I failed to learn to be content with myself without feeling lonely or guilty.

    Eventually, when the intensity of aching started to decay a bit, I started to understand what Rumi said, ‘It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you’. I started to learn about myself a bit more during the quiet hours of twilight day after day. It gave me an opportunity to think about what inspires me and more importantly how I can improve my thoughts and actions and handle situations better. Dare I say, my dark side bubbled up to the surface adorning with my fears, insecurities, and anxieties. Realising that we don’t have control over anything was a revelation. Understanding the necessity of attachment while you maintain detachment is another epiphany. Dear God, along with the research data, you have given me a lot to work with in my near future. That made me feel grateful for this opportunity.

    The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind. - Albert Einstein
     
    SpringB, Anusha2917, radv and 19 others like this.
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  2. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Vani,

    What a beautiful write up this is. Seems like that solitude we all need from time to time was imposed on you. Being who you are, you have gained perspective and understood Rumi. These moments of insight I know are powerful and I am not surprised at all that you have produced this piece so eloquently.

    This here
    is what I have heard from many a avid meditators. And I believe is not easy to deal with.

    You sum it all up so well here
    This necessary attachment while maintaining detachment is something that I ponder about every single day.

    Loved reading it and this being a long weekend for us, I was a little preoccupied and could not respond sooner than this. Hope you are back in your nest and enjoying your little world.
     
    Thyagarajan, SunPa and girvani like this.
  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Vani,

    An excellent presentation of your feelings in an orderly fashion.

    The pair of opposites make the life very interesting. Instant access to BH and sons made you feel time alone would be excellent and when you got that time alone, you missed each one of them. It is part and parcel of how our mind works. As we gracefully grow spiritually (I purposely didn't mention age here as spiritual growth has no relationship with age), we begin to accept the life as it comes. Like you, I struggle a lot not knowing what I really want and it changes from time to time.

    I happened to read a book written by Anil Sharma (an ardent devotee of Maharishi Ramana) titled "The practice of self-inquiry". He quoted Pythagoras who lived 2500 years ago. I was always under the impression that he was one of the greatest mathematician ever lived on the earth in his times. But I didn't realize he decoded some of the self-inquiry in his quest to understand himself. According to him, everyone operates in this world based on vibration whether it is light, sound or any other matter. Based on the date of birth of each person and the position of all the planets when compared to the position of the Sun at that time, a person is likely to have certain strong traits and certain weak traits. The objective of life is to keep those strong traits as is while working on weak traits to make ourselves complete. The experiences we face are to make us stronger in areas where we need to get stronger. We need to understand that the planets are constantly changing its position with reference to the Sun.

    Accepting things as it comes is the key to peaceful life but it is hard to practice. We should be like a river running towards the ocean of love without indulging in the banks of the river called pleasure and pain. Our thoughts are like waves in the Ocean caused by vibrations but it is part of the Ocean. Waves appear to have identity of their own but they disappear before establishing identity.

    Fears, insecurities and anxieties stem directly out of our desires and attachments and they are like emotions attached to our thoughts, if those thoughts don't materialize. Most psychological studies work on removing fears, insecurities and anxieties when our actions fail to product the desired results. Ancient scriptures address the root cause of such negative emotions and suggest training the mind to faithfully and dutifully perform actions without any expectations.

    Life is a gift that is received by the grace of the Lord and our free will can be guided towards something that would keep us in a permanent bliss. Frankly, we have everything we need to achieve our goal and there is no need for prayers to ask more from the Lord other than asking Him to help us understand who we really are.

    Viswa
     
  4. girvani

    girvani Platinum IL'ite

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    Dearest srama

    Thank you so much. I so appreciate your response and you made me feel better. I am still two days away from to join my family. Ever so patiently waiting for that moment.
    Hope your weekend went well. I had a the opportunity to witness the fireworks last night too. I was more intrigued with fireflies flying around than the real fireworks. I never saw this many fireflies at one time. Kids were running and catching them and it was surreal to watch them. By the way I am in NIST Gaithersburg at Maryland.
    Thanks again Srama and you made me happy

    Love
    Vani
     
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  5. girvani

    girvani Platinum IL'ite

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    Dearest Viswa uncle

    Your reply meant so much to me and I don't know how to express. I never knew this side of Pythagorous and certainly I am going to get this book and going to read.

    It is so true that the expectations are the root cause for the negative traits. It is a continuous learning to become better at performing our duty without expectations.

    Thank you so much and you gave me a lot to ponder about.

    Warm regards
    Vani
     
  6. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh those fireflies! You are right. They are amazing. Catching them is one of our favorite summer activities too.....we still do it. Enjoy your stay. Hope you loved fireworks too. Nothing like July 4th spirit!

     
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  7. PushpavalliSrinivasan

    PushpavalliSrinivasan IL Hall of Fame

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    @girvani
    Dear Vani,
    Sometimes we feel we need a break and to be left alone to spend time as we wish. But we can't enjoy this solitude more than one or two days as we are always used to be spending time with our loved ones and attending to their needs.

    A mother of an hyper active child might feel tiresome to keep constant vigil on the child, but when the child falls sick and just lying down she will yearn to see the child active as before.

    Your write up stirred up memories of the past when I faced the same situation,

    PS
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Very well-written, girvani. So simple yet so intensely describing the feeling of wanting quiet but not knowing what to do when presented with it.
    Nice quote.
     
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  9. jayasala42

    jayasala42 Finest Post Winner

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    So many of us belong to the same group.Many essays have written about differentiating lonelinees and solititude.Those advices never arouse our spirits when we are alone.When we are struggling among family pressures we want to be alone.When we are alone we think of those busy days without breathing gap.
    I do not know whether modern guys who are used to remain alone with their gadgets for many parts of hrs, would feel the same way, as they are used to enjoy loneliness.
    A nicely presented essay.Well done, Vani.

    Jayasala42
     
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  10. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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    Beautiful @girvani .
    You have in your lovely way expressed what many, especially busy parents, go through.
    One year, on my birthday, it so happened that my H had to fly to conference taking an early morning flight. My elder son was also on travel on some project work, and my younger son had to travel for an oversight stay for a school science competition.
    I was left alone on my birthday - I had planned to take a book from the library and eat subway sandwich for lunch and dinner. But I felt so lonely, that I did not enjoy the book and the sandwich which I used to enjoy tasted like sawdust.
    Our family is our strength, joy, and they make us complete.
     
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