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Advice On Mil Problem

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Deol7777, Aug 20, 2019.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Okay. Thanks for clarifying.. :)
     
  2. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    Thanks all for your replies. I feel better now.I somehow feel guilty when I give back to adults ( especially now that FIL is no more )and I am afraid that it is bad karma etc. But honestly it is making my life miserable . So started confronting her as I feel I am losing precious moments with my husband and kids as I keep remembering old taunts whenever new thing happens. I will learn to ignore her completely going forward If she continues to play same old tricks. If she changes and be nice, I will be nice to her. Thanks everyone.
     
  3. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Your mil is passive aggressive. Most of the Indian mothers tend to be passive aggressive because they have been hurt and conditioned since the childhood. It’s difficult
    To handle but possible. She needs help. Do not accept her passive aggressive behaviour. When she talks about neighbour, ask her why? Curiously ask why is she sharing with you? She may not be able to answer why or she might struggle to answer for why. Only way to heal such people is through love. Passive aggressive people have really low self esteem. Ask your husband to take her for a walk, share with her that he loves his wife so much, share with her how much you both love her, telling her she is blessed to have wonderful children, advising her not to taunt instead show love. He has to keep doing this every single day.
    What not to do:
    1. Don’t be passive aggressive
    2. Be extremely strong, passive aggressive people cannot play games with strong people
    3. When she talks about neighbour, tell her we have to be positive always and we have to
    Speak only good and kind things
    4. Do not gossip with her
    5. If she appreciates co sister, tell yes mom you are belssed that you have two wonderful daughter in laws.

     
    yesican likes this.
  4. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Ignorance is bliss. You need to completely ignore her comments. She keeps making them because she knows they affect you and hence she is "winning". If you show indifference, then it will bother her, and in a matter of time she will stop. Once you answer, or defend yourself, she feels she got you. I bet you 100percent the comments will lesson and may even go away when you show no emotional attachment to them. When she says what you think about this couple I would say they so cute. Stay positive and say positive things. When she refuses to partake in happy occasions still execute them and not include her. Like someone else said after second time she will automatically come along cause she will be bored at home, and jealous you guys are having a good time. Don't respond to her comments unless they are abusive and really really bad. Then don't let her get away with that. The great thing is you have your husband support and that is all that matters. She is never going to change, so just adapt your behaviour and reactions accordingly. As well, your husband will become more supportive of you, because he is going to think she keeps picking on my wife for no reason. Take care.
     
  5. Sony23

    Sony23 New IL'ite

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  6. Sony23

    Sony23 New IL'ite

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    My mil is exactly the same way even worse that I have 2 sil although they are married and dont stay with us but everytime they come they taunt me indirectly. I been married from 16 years..me and mil never got along..she would pass hurtful comments ..always praising her average looking daughter's, nitpicking everything I do..lying to my husband about me..u are very lucky that husband is in your side..my husband cannot tolerate a single word about his mom..he say she is old ignore her..no it's easier said than done..after many years of hurt I have completely stopped talking to my sil's and mil..I dont care they are elder..if they cannot respect me I cannot in return..I am so done with them..husband say that I will old too someday and I say at least i wont treat my dil like she treats me..in the past she was bedridden for many months I took good care of her but still no regard for that..such people never change..they only hurt because deep down they hate their miserable selves..they are jealous of you..so dear be happy , enjoy..you have a good husband who supports you.
     
  7. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    After advice from above - I started ignoring her coments completely and doing what I like. I can see she had lot of grudge against me as her words are affecting me anymore..

    Today is my low day and I am having a fever of 102. So asked husband to help dropping kids + packing box ( I already cooked food yesterday) . He just needs to pack him. Husband said he will eat out as I am not feeling well and left without breakfast. She asked husband if she should make for which husband rejected and said it’s not a big deal and that he would eat out. I think she is upset as he did not eat anything . I expected she will cook for today as I am having fever. I wfh today and when I went for lunch downstairs she is asking me if She should cook. I wantedly said that’s fine there is leftover curry and she can have that and I will cook in the evening for which she agreed. She asked me if she should cook rice for me. I said that’s fine and made bread sandwich. She just looked and continued watching her TV.

    I am fine cooking in the evening and making myself lunch but it makes me feel sad to think how can a person be so tough and not offer help even when I am having fever. It really hurted me.

    She does hours and hours of pooja and always listen to changanti speeches. Wondering how can she be that tough?

    Any encouraging advice please?
     
  8. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    She did ask if she can cook and make rice for you. She offered help and you said "It's fine". What do you exactly want from her?

    I am not trying to play the devil's advocate here, but I can understand your MIL's plight. She probably does not feel free enough in the house to go and just take on the kitchen reins and start cooking one day because it seems like you control the kitchen usually. And then your husband is also supporting you... so she just probably is unsure that you might say something about her feeling too free at home if she just goes and starts cooking. So she asked you, but you said no need. So she continued to watch TV. What are you expecting from her?

    On a side note, you are working and are capable of cooking/dropping kids etc. etc. So why can't husband do it since you are sick? It seems like he treats you as the default for cooking and if you're unavailable to do it, he prefers to eat out. Catch the husband and ask him why he is not pitching in when you're sick.
     
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  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Op but she did offer to help and you didn't take that help if I'm reading it right.
     
    yellowmango and Rihana like this.
  10. Deol7777

    Deol7777 New IL'ite

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    I went down for lunch a
    i must have been clear. We have lunch at 1 pm usually. She is asking me at 1 what she should cook. I actually told her make ridge gourd curry and veggies and are chopped in fridge already. Then she asked if she should put rice too. I felt it is sarcastic.. if I am asking her to cook curry . What will I eat with? Then I said that’s fine I will may be cook in the evening. Then she said ok.

    She is not a person who is not familiar in the house. She does make snack n all for my husband by the time he comes from office.


    She usually does not understand DIL suffering. Expects to cook regardless I have fever or not feeling well.
     

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