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Accept What You Cannot Change?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by confused4sure, Jul 9, 2019.

  1. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    I am happily married with 2 kids. just like any marriage rooted in reality with 2 jobs and 2 young kids, we have our fair share of bickering.. but it usually ends with just that..bickering.

    Maybe, because we are so busy, we do not want to dwell on trivial things.
    Also, we both come from humble beginnings and appreciate the blessings we have had along the way, and recognize how fortunate we are.

    But here is a small nagging I have deep in my heart.

    My husband is a mommy's boy. to the extreme... she is glued to him, when they visit us for 6 months... sits in the front seat with him, next to him for dinner, evening walks with him, on the couch watching TV, as soon as he wakes up... she is on our bed... to deliver his bed coffee... calls him for an hour everyday during his commute (when not visiting)...

    He also genuinely enjoys her company. and even told me once on Mother's Day, that I was the second best mom, after his mom (and truly meant it as a compliment :rage:). I have just learned to ignore trivial things like this, since they are just words, and there is nothing actionable to do. She is also the type of mom who reminds him everyday all the sacrifices she made for him, the horrible marriage she had to tolerate for kids, the awful in-laws she was dealt with, how she was determined to educate the kids and finally how her sons are her world. Although there is truth in her sacrifice, I not sure why she would tell the kids (kids 42, 40 and 38 yo) everyday about it.

    now... to the nagging feeling...

    I have concluded over the years that I will always be the second woman in my husbands life.

    He is good to me, gets me all gifts I could ever imagine, encourages me to succeed at work, etc... But if there is ever something that was between me and his mom... he would always choose his mom.

    I have wisened up over the years, and never create a situation where there is a need to choose. Also, being successful in my career has kept most of MIL dominance and drama out of the picture too.

    After this acceptance, I am much happier. however, sometimes, when we meet other couples or MILs who are not so needy, I yearn for a normal family balance. is this too much to expect in Indian families?

    or, is there no such thing as 'normal' when comes to family ?

    sorry for the long rant...
     
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  2. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    If you accept what you cannot change, life is more peaceful. But that is only if its real acceptance and not a superficial acceptance
     
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  3. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    how can I tell if my acceptance is real or sacrificial?
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    He is not neglecting you and treats you well. She is not creating any issue in your life like other typical MILs. (else my reply would have been different)
    Who is needy here?

    What is wrong in treating their mom well. He adores her. He adores you too. Generally men dont admit that. You are a lucky girl.

    Just imagine how you feel if your son treat you that way. Don't you feel happy?
    Be happy for her. I respect all men who treat their mom and wife well. He is one of them.Be proud to have such a husband. The love he has to his mom and you are totally different. He gives that to both of you. Being possessive don't help you dear.

    You are right , accept it, join them and be happy. It will make your dh love you more.

    [lock your door if you don't want you MIL to be in your bed room every morning. Request to her to give you also a cup of coffee if you like to have one.]

    I have good PILS, I am sure my dh stands with his parents if situation arise that way. Same with me. Blood is thicker than water.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
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  5. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Yes and No.

    In my opinion, she would create issues if I wasn't supporting her family financially. when DH quit job to start his own company, it was my salary paying the bills in our house and hers. and funding both her sons education. she lives in the house, I had purchased for my in-laws. In early years of marriage, she passed similar comments... her mom did not raise her well, she is very lazy, her face has no beauty (in front of my friends).... and my husband never stood up for me... not once. She also has nerve to pass comments to my husband like"do you know bad other MILs are... she beats up her DIL regularly... I am so nice"

    I learned to demand respect and stand my ground when needed, without fighting or shouting.
    (and lots of hours pouring over the IL forums, reading valuable advice :blush:

    so the respect and non-medling status is self created, IMO.
    I don't think husband and MIL deserve all the credit for this.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
  6. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    It is not about standing for his parents. Infact, I am sure, even I would stand for them, knowing they are my kids grand parents.. and how much they love and care for my kids.

    It is about knowing you are second woman in your husband's life.

    I would never expect my kids to be my emotional companion
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You haven't mentioned anything in your first post. It appeared like he treats you both well and not ignoring you. We need to be ourselves and stand up for us where ever needed. Good that you did that.

    Anyway, I think both women deserve love and respect. But after marriage, life partner should be top priority, because, he/she is the life long companion. How long you been married? It take time for Indian men to understand that wife should be the first priority. As the situation is better now, its good to accept it and be happy. I think you are still not able to accept it , that why the post. Don't bother too much about it. It wont help you or the situation. But be yourself. I feel in the long run he will come back to you. When? we cannot predict.
     
  8. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Agreed with you. and thank you for your kind words.

    and I am not holding my breadth for anything to change too...:rolleyes:
    With old age... I can see my PILs moving in permanently at some time in future and it would bother more, if I don't accept/ignore.
     
  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I can only talk from my experience. I am not expecting a “best mother certificate” from spouse. Only because, I know I am the best mother to my kids. I do not need validation from anyone.
    I would love to be numero uno in husbands life. But if that’s not happening, I will not lose my sleep over it.
    It seems to me you are in control and have asserted your importance. Good ! This is better than having your husband to tell them how important you are. We fight our own battles ! For me, that is true empowerment of women.

    If husband is a decent man and showers you with love and gifts , let it go !!

    How is MIL landing on your bed with filter coffee ? Lock the door at night :)
     
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  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP this issue is quite common. My husband is a late child for my in laws and the only male child born after a lot of pooja they performed. :) so you can imagine how much attachment they have with their only son. Right from showering him with his favorite laddu every other week to giving him his coffee in his hand to take that plate from his hand and put in the sink I have seen it all. That small cough/ small headache would worry them so much so that they will get up in midnight and knock our door to check if he is fine. But that is all right? That is parents love right?
    Initially this would bother me a lot because we girls at home (me and my sister) were never pampered like this . So it did feel abnormal to me initially.

    It hasn't reduced Even a bit over a period of time . Only the way I look at it has changed. If he is having a mommy time chatting with her ,getting a massage , watching TV with her etc etc I use that time to put my headphones and watch my favorite series in amazon and Netflix. After all I need my time too... So it's quite normal. Don't let that affect you. Those 6 months of the year is very important for you. So if they do that you do what you always wanted to do . TV time, craft work etc. 1hr in 24 hrs a day is only 4.2% of his day. If he spends that with her talking in phone let it be. It's a small amount of his time. :) so don't worry. Quite common..

    Since this is just a vent I'm glad you chose a forum to vent it out. Once in a while we should bring that feelings out which is bothering us.
     
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