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About A Situation With My Father

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by divyarnair, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    I know here I have vent about my issues with parents but We also have our good moments .I do respect them and worry for their health etc . Financial issues are not above relationships .I am very much looking forward to working in 1-2 years once my visa gets sorted and baby grows up .Should I wait till then and help my parents get a better place and let them not do any investment now ?
     
  2. KavithaUS

    KavithaUS Silver IL'ite

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    Divya,

    I am able to understand your situation, since my cousin is going through similar. My parents are pitching in for her emotional support.

    This is not financial issue, it is relationship and personality.

    Just to give other perspective, lets assume OP is DIL and her parents as in-laws.
    DIL writing about the in-laws financial irresponsibilities, their insensitivity towards son+DIL delivery/new born, their behaviour towards DIL members at home when invited.

    OP you are neither selfish nor money minded. Don't let this thought get onto you.

    -K
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok OP, What I understood from your posts is that your parents are not depending on you for any monthly expenses or money. They are just happy the way they are. I can understand your concerns but it is difficult to change them ( their manners, behavior, stubbornness, style of living etc) in this old age. If you mention about it, even in good spirit, they feel bad for sure.

    The only worry you have is they don't have a home in their name. If that is the concern, you can buy a home and give it to them. At this point of their life investing their retirement (you said it is close to only 20 lakhs , it is not enough to buy any home) for any thing like this is not wise. They may need money for other things like travel or visiting places or enjoying vacations or treatment etc.

    Neither your dh or PILS need to worry about your parents financials investment- it is not right ( they want to invest because it will come ultimately to their son and family, hmmm..smart people). If they show any concern you have to tell them , my parents like this way and I don't want to disturb them , I like them to be happy the way they are. Count your blessing. You got a good dh and PILS , neither of them can replace the place of parents even if they have lot of defects. So you need to talk and always support and stand up for your parents in front of others.

    If you really want peace of mind, dont think about it much. You can talk to your parents about it if you want to, about how difficult it is for you support them if you dont have a job and you want them to be financially safe. But if they are not ready, it is better to leave them their way. It is their money and its their right to do want they want to, even if its wasting money. We need to respect that. All you can do is support them if your help is need. Money is such a sensitive issue that create lot of tension in family relationships.
    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2018
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,it is good that you are venting here.
    It is very difficult to vent to anyone in real life about parents. People do not react kindly to it . We can vent about inlaws and siblings easily to friends but not about parents.

    Don't worry about the reactions. We are all just virtual names here .
    Take what works for you and discard what you do not like.

    Regarding your parents situation.....it looks like a class difference too. Your parents are middle class and lacking in social ettiquette where as your inlaws are rich and more socially well behaved.

    Let small incidences go .one day you can laugh about it with your kids.

    The suggestion to move your parents to a smaller and less expensive area of town is good. You can split the rent from your house to pay for their rent and some of it for emi.

    Tell your parents that the fruits and vegetable in the local market are healthier than the ones in supermarket.

    You can suggest that they use the interest of the of the FDs for travelling .

    Do they need a new car...if not,tell them not to waste money on that and instead use uber.

    If they are living within their means ,then let them spend what ever they want. Just make sure they are not dipping into the FDs.Explain to them that since you are not working,you will find it difficult to
    Help if they have requirement for money and that will make you feel sad.

    Don't use your gold. Keep it as emergency fund .Once you start working again ,things will get better and your frustrations will decrease.

    Hope the venting has helped you. ​
     
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  5. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    OP, you have been a dutiful daughter. And I don't think you will be happy if you impose too many lifestyle restrictions on your parents.

    Please don't be offended when I say that 17k pension after the umpteen govt pay revisions do not indicate a high salary while he was working. So it is understandable that he could not save much especially given that they didn't have any family property to fall back on.

    Since you asked them to move in to your apartment you can't ask them to move without a reason that would help them as well. You could encourage them to shift to place closer to where their friends or relatives are. You need to take care of rent since 17k is not much especially if they need to appoint a house help to help your aging mother. Insist that they cannot sell the current car unless it is too big and they find it difficult to drive it around. Do not say anything about buying another car for them. May be they can buy out of the emi of their fd. Anyway let them figure out.

    Try to afford the comforts of shopping as per their convenience if you can. Honestly I don't think you could save more than a couple of thousands there. Try to regulate the money inflow to the debit account so they are cautious in their spending. Let them know that things will get better once you start working again.
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP - Detach. You will just create stress for yourself by delving into where they buy their veggies from and how they travel. If they aren’t living within their means, you cannot force the issue. How were they living earlier? Maybe you could bring up the emi issue and move them closer to the place they used to stay at. That way they have their old friends and old habits.
    If you plan to help them with a monthly amount financially, do so. Just transfer the money monthly. Lengthy discussions won’t get you anywhere.
    Maybe suggest is putting away at least half of that retirement money for future medical emergencies. That way they don’t have to depend on anybody for emergencies.

    Pilgrimage, cabs, supermarkets etc are a lost cause. It’s probably best to not bring it up. I wouldn’t like my adult child telling me where I should buy my veggies and asking me for reasons as to why I go shop in certain places and go on trips. It would hurt my ego. Why spoil your relationship? Let it go.
     
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  7. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    SHE PAID FOR THE GOLD. IT'S HER GOLD...SO SHE SHOULD WORRY ABOUT HER HUSBAND IMPRESSING HER LEECH PARENTS? SERIOUSLY.....
     
  8. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    YOU ARE RIGHT. SORRY---NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY THEY WILL FEEL INSULTED. THEY NEED A REALITY CHECK---YOU ARE NOT IN A POSITION TO BE DRAINED. THEY DO NEED TO STEP UP---YOU BEING MARRIED IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR THEM TO NOT EVEN CARE ABOUT THEIR OWN LIFE?? THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES? THAT IS SELFISH TO PUT THAT ON ONLY YOU. THEY EXISTED AND SURIVIVED BEFORE YOU EXISTED---THEY NEED TO STEP UP ABSOLUTELY.
     

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