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About A Situation With My Father

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by divyarnair, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    First of all, you have all rights to ask your parents to move to another place. However, you cant ask them to buy property just for show off in front of your in laws. You worked for 9 years and never invested anything at that time and waited till marriage to get property after that. so that will be yours and not your parents right? you could have very well invested all your 9 years savings and bought property in ur parents name right? not in prime location but somewhere little outside to save your father's pride.
    May be your father want to spend his earnings and dont want to invest big and live same old life...
    if you are giving jewels to your father, what will ur husband think? he and ur in-laws will say that your father bought house only using ur jewels. That will low ur father's respect even more..
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  2. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    It’s not like that I married 9 years ago and as I told I had to pay for my marriage expenses and bailed out my father many times when he was in need for money , took care of all their expenses , bought car for them , moms operation etc .i had a difficult IVF pregnancy after treatment spent close to 10 lacs for it . I invested in a property with my husband and we were living in it and my parents were living in office quarters in another city . My husband is from a well off family ours was a love marriage. His father is his financial advisor and he has done some good investments in land , insurance , chit funds and also bought me gold .
     
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Silver IL'ite

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    Divya,
    I totally get your perspective how you want to present your parents to in-laws and husband but what you are missing is new set of problems that comes with buying house. It is not a one time investment. House needs maintenance and frequent repair. At this age, own house will not add any value to their life. One thing I have realized in my life experience is accepting the near and dear ones with their faults . Why do you want to run a show to earn respect from husband ? It is ok to not own home. If that is not the priority then let it be. Sometimes rental home works better than own home. Your dad and mom should be happy in old age. As long as they are not dependent on you for monthly expense you should be fine. As long as your husband respects you, you are good. In all these married years your husband would have already formed a image of your parents. Irrespective of whatever you do, it will not change.
    So please think from their perspective before making any decisions.
    Remove the negative image you have about him. Because our thoughts will reflect in our action. I personally feel post retirement is very delicate period . Dread it carefully.
    Thanks,
    Mangaii
     
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  4. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Silver IL'ite

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    Ok, Its my bad. count your blessing about your inlaws and move forward. dont ask/expect ur parents to be competitive in this age.
     
    divyarnair likes this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    Op,

    To me it look like you want your parents not to waste their retirement money and instead invest in property so that it will finally come to you being the only child. They have already invested in you. That is why you are capable to saving so much for your marriage and your own family. In Indian setup it is not so easy to save so much with one government servants salary. What ever they have is in FD and they are not wasting money. If anything is left, it will come to you.

    If you want your dad and mom to be happy leave them their way. Let them spend their money on their own way. They are adults. You can help them to move to another apartment from your home if that is what you want to. But advising them, without being asked, what to do with their money is not good. It is their right to decide what to do with their money. It may hurt them badly if you suggest this way. Just imagine how you feel if you kid talk like this to you just for competition with their in laws or saving their faces.

    You should be proud of your parents for raising you to be such a successful and rich women. That is the biggest investment they did. Count your blessings and be positive and focus on your life . In their old age, peace of mind , comfort and rest is needed more than financial advice. Good luck.
     
  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Gold IL'ite

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    I know many parents who do not educate girls properly because she will get married and go away. Still your parents have invested so much(time, energy.attention) to make you successful. Feel proud of that! Don't feel ashamed of him that he does not have a house. Financial independence is the biggest gift a parent can give to a daughter, more valuable than giving gold or spending for her marriage. I know many working women who pay for their marriage even if their parents are well-off because they feel it's their duty as they are financially capable.
    Now, it is our choice whether we marry someone from a well-off family or a poor family. But we should not expect our parents to suffer due to our decision. Anyway your husband/inlaws already knew your parents' financial situation , when he married you ,so now suddenly he will not lose respect because of that.
    Do you know my best friend is only child too, her father also government job, her parents struggled and bought a house in very late age, to live but mainly so she will have something. They always lived very frugally to save money for this.Now, all their money tied up in that house. It doesn't make her feel good - she always laments to me. In their old age she wants them to spend their money on themselves, maybe for vacation , invest in healthy food etc But all their money is tied up in that house, and they think ten times to waste - like going walking instead of taking auto whenever possible, travelling by bus than going by cab.
    If your husband loves you truly you father's financial status in society won't matter to him. If your parents wasting her hard earned money that's a different matter, but did not seem like that from your post. And anyway, finally everything will come to you only!
    Please try to look at positive side of situation. I'm no way trying to judge or criticise you. I'm just telling change your perspective of feeling ashamed in front of your husband, Rather feel proud your parents made you so capable that you could help you husband buy a house. I pray one day you will be able to understand exactly how I'm looking at the situation.
     
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  7. archanamadhav

    archanamadhav Junior IL'ite

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  8. MikaMaina

    MikaMaina New IL'ite

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    Forcing your father to buy a place with his only remaining saving is a horrible treatment. You should ask them move out of your flat and give them enough time to rent a place that they can afford. If he has not bought a house so far, why will he buy now ? I don;t think he is interested in investment now. He is practical and thinking about medical expenses etc if something happens to their health. They just need a place to live. You are getting influenced by your husband and their family. You know your father and don't let others push you into doing something that you will regret later.
     
  9. divyarnair

    divyarnair Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks , inte
    No dear , I would never do that !
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Divya, just wanted to say that after reading the things you have done for your family, I think your expectation or your husband's expectation that your parents will help with things related to delivery, is not so unreasonable. Now the below makes more sense, and one can begin to understand what you mean by your husband lost respect for your father.
    When you have done so much for your family, which is above and beyond what a child usually does for parents in her 20's or 30's, and IVF to top that, they could have used your delivery as a time to give back in a way that they can. Their help would have made a lot of difference to you and husband at that time. IMO, the "man and woman are responsible for their child's birth and care of mom/new-born.." funda takes a little backseat in situations like yours.

    After you have shared more details, I also kind of get what you mean by them not owning a house even in retirement reflects on you. @mangaii is right: "I totally get your perspective how you want to present your parents to in-laws and husband but what you are missing is new set of problems that comes with buying house. "

    I had some sharp words in earlier posts about your treatment of your retired father, so thought to post this also.

    Seems like your husband and his family are very well-to-do. You and your husband have also done well for yourselves. See if you both can buy a house (will an apartment do?) for your parents, in your name, and no one need know who paid for it. I guess your FIL is your husband's financial advisor, so this might be hard to do.

    The problem you are having -- parent who did zero or minimal planning, investing -- is more common than we think. It is hard to criticize or talk about this. Reaction will be that you are an ungrateful daughter/son, like we saw here in this thread. But it is a fact of life that bad planning or zero planning makes retired life difficult. Now, if parents have spent it all on children's education, wedding, etc.. that is one thing. But, simply a lack of awareness/initiative about planning, investing, saving enough... At this point, you can't even simply leave them to their devices. You will have to continue to have to pitch in whenever a big expense comes up.

    OK, no concrete suggestions, but wanted to say that I now get what you've been trying to describe.
     

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