A very Peculiar and Worrying Situation

You are right when you say that each and every small statement should not be examined. But when it gets repeated, may not be frequently, but yes, gets repeated many times over the two years we've been married, then i think its something that needs evaluation.

If there was commonality of goals, there are many things that can be passed off as innocent statements. In fact without the commonality of goals, maybe i subconsciously let it pass as a 'unintended' statement; however, as one of the other members has rightly pointed out, there may be a connection with the statements (on notion of marriage) with her current behavior.

If she still carries the same notion of marriage as she did before we got married, then irrespective of what i do there will not be a change. So i strongly believe its something that needs to be discussed with MC. Please do tell me if there's a stronger reason not to discuss this with the MC.

 

I do get the jist of what you are saying. Many other members have pointed this out as well. Many have also suggested that giving is more important than expecting in a marriage (to this effect).

I feel it has to come in both ways; not one. If you have the time, do read my latest post on the session with the MC, and a few subsequent posts. You will get a better idea of all the bickering between me and my wife (at least this is both ways ).

 

Reposting with reference.

 

No where have i mentioned here, nor have i mentioned to my wife that she does not have to contribute towards anything financially. Of course i have to take care of all expenses if she is not working. No second thoughts on that. But when she is working, there is nothing wrong if she pays for her own stuff - thats my point. I have never told her either before marriage or after, that i dont expect her to take on any financial responsibility. This is your own conclusion.


Further, I see nothing wrong in her paying her parents back for your wedding out of her own salary. Even if she did not say anything before wedding regarding this point, it is the right thing to do. She is not asking you to foot their bills, only her own. Why are you making it into an issue? Let it go.

Again your own conclusion. My wife has no intention of paying her parents back for the wedding. Neither have i mentioned it anywhere in my posts.


Your post where you seem to have drawn this conclusion
(Post 225, 3rd para): I agree that one should pay oneself, and I think that is what the wife is trying to do. She maybe trying to pay her parents as early as possible. So, the husband should not complain. I think it is odd that the husband is posting this here without discussing with his wife what she plans to do with her earnings.

Her being from a business family was no secret to you. She expecting you to provide financially after marriage was no secret to you. You could have declined to marry her, if you were not comfortable with this.

Expectation of providing financially if one does not work. Not like an arrangement of convenience, where i keep paying, have a pittance of a saving, while she splurges without batting an eyelid(with her savings only for her). I had never agreed to anything like this either. Not sure how you draw this inference.

A grown man going to his parents to talk about problems with his wife is very immature. You should not have involved them at all. It is your marriage, and you have to decide what to do, not your parents. Also, if the marriage works out, your wife's image is spoilt in front of her ILs, which will affect the relationship between your parents and wife.

When things go out of hand and there are too many problems, it is best that everyone knows about it. Shouldn't come as a shock at the N'th moment to everyone. Moreover, when we lived together, and she would scream at the top of her voice, everyone would know it anyways.


I feel your current situation would have been avoided if you had conveyed what you expected of your wife before marriage. Why are you blaming her for something you neglected to do? It was your responsibility to bring up your expectations from her before marriage, especially since she already discussed this with you before marriage.

I may have been wrong in not being so explicit. But no one is so explicit. To say that she's from a business family, so lets draw a blanket statement and assume that all girls coming from a business family will be like this, is wrong. I still dont think there is any link between coming from a business family and not taking any financial responsibility.


OP, you wanted a frank discussion. I have been frank with you, and taken the time and effort to explain things as they are logically, with all arguments. Please read all my posts once and tell me where I have been judgmental/out of context.

Read your own post - 225. In almost every paragraph you have drawn your own conclusions and in the sixth para are outright judgmental about working class girls having lesser expenses, and me having to marry someone like that.
As much as i appreciate people taking out time to put in their thoughts, and be frank, lets not cross that fine line and get into the 'assassination' mode with the inferences you draw on your own.


Please also refer to your posts 219 and 220. You speak of self-respect or the lack of it. Again, lets not get into a 'guy' bashing mode just for the heck of it.

OP, You are not looking for divorce or trying to adjust with your wife at all. But continually arguing with those of us who are saying you should take some responsibility for your marriage. I asked you clearly what you want by posting here. Since you did not answer, one can only assume you want to 'win' the MC discussions, and then convince your wife she is wrong.

You're absolutely right about winning the MC discussions. I truly hope me and my wife come off as winners in the MC sessions and will be able to save our marriage.

What i want from this forum, i believe im getting it. Advice, and a peak into an objective woman's view. When i post in this forum, i cannot be expected to blindly nod in agreement for everything thats told to me. If you have really read all the posts, mine and others, you will realize that even though i disagree, i substantiate on my points of disagreement. Its not called argument. Its only a rebut - which is healthy for any discussion - to which many members subsequently have also given their points of view. And i truly appreciate it.

Im not sure if it was you or someone else who's also pointed out about the credibility of the MC, and the MC siding with me. I think it is outright preposterous to even suggest this.

 

You're right about me stating it in the converse. I wanted to convey the possibility of a split up if things dont work out. In fact i wanted this conveyed in the presence of the MC.

The MC, as i've mentioned before, has asked us to work on the smaller things in two weeks. Yes, will ask the MC to convey to her on the make-or-break two week aspect as well.

My wife is dead against her parents joining these sessions. I wonder why. Just as you've pointed out, the MC too says that my wife is not opening up and theres something inside her which is bothering her and its not coming out. Im not quiet sure how to get that 'something' out of her.

Again agree with you. I tend to over-explain, especially during the joint sessions. Will take your advice and be more concise and precise while at the MC.

I'll close this thread right here. Will start a new thread on how things are going, maybe in a week or two. I do really hope all the nice folks out here come back with their inputs and criticism.

 

As suggested by one of the members, i think it makes sense to close this thread right here. Once there is any progress, will start a new thread and update.

Would like to thank all the members for their time and patience. Many have analyzed the situation from different angles and have provided their inputs, and an insight into many things which i was not aware of myself.

Its indeed been a great experience posting out here.