A Former Lover Is Back After 15 Years..feeling Drawn..what Do I Do?

What a rhyming! You can post it in poetry section.
I'm expecting more poems from you ...

 

I have a different approach to the problem you have posted here. My response is deadly practical and comes from a perspective of self-growth and realization. Prudes, look away.

A few things that stand out from reading your post are as follows:

1. You were already unhappy to some extent in your marriage.
2. This unhappiness caused you to recall the fervent passion that an ex-lover or ex-prospect had for you and made you want to contact him.
3. You now sorely miss having that loving feeling and attention in your life, and your past memories causes you and him to have a friendship that seems to be gathering steam. Both are married and maybe with children.

When an emotional or physical affair happens, the real problem may not be the 3rd party - he could just be a symptom. But the real issue is the truths that we feel afraid to admit to ourselves and others - that we don't like or enjoy our partner and marriage. In the Indian arranged marriage system especially, people sometimes can't be blamed for not being in love with our spouses, esp when so many tie the knot not out of love,, but out of hope and with limited knowledge of the person they are committing to. The chemistry, loving and caring behaviors that cannot be taught and the self-less giving needed for a happy partnership may not always be present in such marriages.

Sometimes we realize in retrospect the greatest love we had was the one we foolishly threw away. We were young, immature, impulsive and foolish. It is when we are later faced with the very opposite of love - which is indifference or a vacuumous void in the marriage - that we realize what we have lost.

When we are caught in terribly unhappy marriages must we continue to punish ourselves by submitting furthur to the uncaring partner and trying to fix what is not really fixable ? LIFE IS VERY, VERY SHORT. Many die without experiencing any kind of intimacy or happiness. And if a lucky few are able to get a second shot at it, I say, why not ? Must you live a life to gain a 'character certificate' from people around you ? The 30s are about knowing that we don't need anybody's approval for our choices except our own conscience. The past 10 years has seen an unprecedented shake up of marital relationships due to people reuniting with their first loves & long-lost loves over facebook and what not. My point is - what is the use of living in a free country, with personal freedom if we cannot exercise that right to gain personal happiness ?

So my advice is this :
1. Please take a month off from your friend and introspect whether you want to continue your relationship with your husband. Can you see yourself in this marriage to your dying day in old age ? Can you live with it? Can your husband, despite his flaws, care for you when you are old and infirm ? Can you care for him ? Or maybe your need to stay in the marriage is more practical - i.e kids and/or money. If the answer is a grudging yes, then maybe the best plan of action will be to bid goodbye to your ex and tell yourself everyday "Although i hate xxx about my husband, I CHOOSE to stay with him because ....". When you realize you are making a conscious choice, you will be happier.

2. If after introspection, you feel you cannot stay in the marriage anymore and a split is inevitable in the long run, then consider if you are okay with a temporary separation to better determine if a permanent split is the way to go.

3. If you decide to separate, think what outcome will make you happy and is realistically possible.
A> I am out of a bad marriage, and in a relationship with EX
B> I am out of a bad marriage and also without a relationship with EX.
Are you going to be okay if your EX tells you that he can never leave his family and that a public relationship with him will not be possible for a very long time ?

Your worst fear is that you will end up in a full blown affair with your ex. This is based on several assumptions : That you really want only him, that he will consent to an affair once he realizes that you want him, that you and him will derive happiness from this affair despite both of you having changed over the last 15 years, that you will be bound to a taboo relationship.

I say, speak out your feelings with your ex. Express fully that you think about him, thank him for his presence in your past, what it taught you, how unhappy you are in your life, and anything else you have left unexpressed about him. Then listen to him and see what he has to say. Once you see the truth in broad daylight for what it is, you will be less paranoid, less fearful of yourself and less fearful of outcomes.

Once this clarity has set in, one of a few outcomes will come through
1. You may want only a totally platonic friendship with the EX
2. You will feel even more convinced about leaving your marriage to pursue a relationship with him
3. You may be convinced that it is best to let go of EX completely as the possibility/ inclination to have a relationship no longer exists.

The goal is self discovery and peace. I hope you achieve that soon.

 

Hi,

I was in similar situation when I started chatting on whatsapp with my ex. Mine was troubled marriage and It made me think on why I said no to my ex and he is living happily and how blessed his wife would be..

But slowly I myself realized that I cannot go ahead with him and have an affair etc. Even If I think of him most of times on how his life is going on , we both have excepted the fact that we are married. he know how much his wife is to him and I even though dont have love for my husband, I have come to conclusion that I need to stay with my husband for my kid. Right now its going on fine as well considering the emotional, financial independence I have achieved.

Its quite natural to go after love when we dont have one in married life but its short lived.Also like you I was cheated by my husband so that gave me more courage to stop chats with my ex since I did not want to do same thing which once my hubby did to me. I know how painful it is and will never want anyone to face that.

These were my thoughts to stop that urge to have contacts with my ex. may be it helps you.

 

Tell him since he is quite sure he wants to keep it only as friendship,you would like to do so openly. Tell him you can be friends only as a family .That you would like him to meet your husband and you would like to meet his wife.

See if he is still keen.

Op...I hope you did not find my post judgemental. I was not being one . I was just trying to ask all possible questions that you would have to face.
I read your previous threads and do realize yours is not a happy marriage and hence the temptation to find some happiness is real and so are the risks.
Hope you find happiness .

 

@madras2018 has the right idea. Thinking about the possibilities with this ex-flame (who to be honest, was in a one-sided crush with you) is a symptom of the problems in your marriage. I think it is important to separate the 2, and focus first on your marriage. Is it something that you want to fix, or are you thinking it's a lost cause?

My bad marriage has been weighing down on me recently, and I've been wondering if it's all really worth it. I am reading a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. I recommend that you read it, and work through the checklist. There is even a chapter about EMAs. This author has some fascinating views about it.

This "other" man might like you, but both of you are in different places in your lives. You didn't like him when you were single, so I wonder if you really like him now, or if it's just your miserable marriage that makes you crave the positive attention. Nonetheless, don't burden yourself with this relationship, since you are clearly keeping it from your husband. I think it will wear on your conscience and you might punish yourself for the bit of pleasure you receive from your correspondence. If he is able to maintain a platonic friendship, and so are you, I think there is no harm. But once you start thinking about the possibilities, I think it's hard to put those thoughts back in a box and store it away.

 

I have read this book and own a copy too! It has practical advice.
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