Gender Disappointment

I'm writing this very long post to get all your support,thoughts on my current state of mind.So, hope I won't be judged too harshly and you all can understand that I really need some positive help.Let me thank you in advance for your time!
I'm pregnant with twin girls after a second IVF.Both me and husband are married for 8+ yrs and after 3 natural pregnancies which ended up in early losses,few years of waiting,trying,lots of medical tests(fortunately all were normal),prayers and offerings by family,6 clomid cycles,3 IUIs,and one first failed IVF,I've finally got pregnant and I'm in second trimseter nowThank you God!!
Fortunately,everything is going fine by God's blessings in the pregnancy.On my 20 week scan few days back, we were eagerly waiting to know the gender of the babies.
I had always picturised,prayed a boy and girl in my family.(no,pls,am not gender biased..!Am a daughter myself.)Of course,am glad that I'm pregnant with healthy babies after years of yearning,waiting,praying ( not just from me and hubby but also from nice,loving family too.)Pls don't take me wrong, it is mentioned in most Indian prayers,krishna,devi mantras for a good son for family's legacy (may be am old fashioned) and almost "believed" that I'll have a boy for sure (may be due to daily prayers,wish,dream too in all these long years,or my sheer stupidity to have believed so!)
When we got to know they are twins,only prayed harder for a girl too since I thought,one will be a boy definitely.May be,if they were two boys too,I would've felt the same disappointment..Like most women,I too have fancied the idea of dressing up girls and am happy about that too but at the same time, I wanted to have a naughty li'l boy also at home, both pink and blue dresses,accessories,boy girl toys,games etc,wanted to see a lovely brother sister relationship for both my children at home.Was waiting to choose boy girl names after the ultrasound.Or should I say,I had even thought to the extent of me and hubby having a son-in law and daughter- in law later ahead in our lives..
I try hard to convince myself with all the cliches(and truth of course!) that our prayers are coming true, we are getting two healthy children, we see people waiting for a first or second child,or people who have two boys yearning for a girl etc ..but somehow for past few days,I'm not able to come out of all those dreams which I had been building in my mind.I don't have sisters,I never studied in a girls' school,have seen my mom raising me and my younger brother and I know how good an experience it is to have loving siblings of both gender in the house.Its an experience as a couple too, to raise both boy and girl child.May be just I'm not able to connect to the sisters thing.. That's all.Have lot of friends around with happy,healthy boy girl kids,twins even..So, don't know if it was too difficult for us to get that lucky too,once for life,that too after years of praying,yearning,wishing,hoping..No, am not comparing or jealous here..May be just being silly or is it just a normal reaction?..That's why need to know your views..
On the other hand,my husband and our families are thrilled for getting girls too.My hubby is very fond of little girls(me too) and he used to tease me until before our scan that it will be girls(though he says now,he was neutral, at heart).I really wish that he too should have wished ,said the same like me and may be God would have listened to both of our prayers,may be I would have been the happiest person.I completely understand that its not always possible in life that things turn out the way we wish and its actually kiddish to think so too esp in such matters which are out of our control.Whatever God gives us will be good for our life etc,I understand and I try to believe.
I feel thankful to God that my parents,in laws are happy,excited ,proud of us,our life,them becoming grandparents, after all these years(though they too had secretly wished for a boy girl twin,since one of my cousins recently got them,but wanted to make me feel cheerful too) .Or was I wrong,stupid,stubborn, all these years to have wished for a son and daughter both,with my medical history and luck? We had gone through all emotional stages in all these years,which a couple struggling with infertility goes through.When I look at my pregnant belly each day,I realise how much we have waited to reach here, see,expereince this.
I'm trying to make myself happy by looking at twin girl babies' pics,accessories,reading and getting views from these kind of blogs,forums.(I've read,written on such forums earlier when I was struggling to get successfully pregnant too,not so long ago..)I don't want to,feel comfortable to share it with any of my friends and with my family either and get scolded or judged or make my family upset about my wrong thoughts.I'm fortunate enough to have an extremely loving,understanding,caring husband and I don't want to spoil the home environment with my mood but since he saw me down, he encouraged me to be honest with him about my thoughts as he knew what was going on in my mind.He is trying his best to support me,correct,convince me,scold me,making me happy about the reality and great things ahead in life ,taking me to baby stores and I seem to accept etc but looks like my change is slow and I'm afraid if I take more time because I seriously want to come out of this ill thought process.Its like a broken dream inside me.Of course , am matured enough to differentiate b/w dreams and reality but may be this matter I wished and prayed,imagined for perhaps the longest in my life so far,I feel so disappointed like a kid.I don't have much enthusiasm about things,shopping etc these days I find it difficult to come back from my once long imaginary world.. Don't know if it happens with most of you like me..My husband even said if he knew I would go this crazy then it was better if we didn't find out the gender at all.We have 2 more frozen embryos from this IVF cycle but don't think we have the courage to get pregnant again after these children are born.Both me and hubby are in mid-end of thirties and again, we aren't sure whether another try will get us a son and I feel it will be selfish too on my part and unfair to the girls if I just try again wishing for a brother for them, too early after they are born.So,this time was like the only chance for us.
Am i being too selfish,stubborn about my thoughts? Will I be able to love my children unconditionally with this thought in mind?I know people say,once you see the babies, we forget rest everything.But,I want to happily go through my pregnancy too.Was I expecting just a so called picture perfect scenario of my family? I don't think am thankless but am I expecting too much from life? I can just pray to God to give me enough wisdom to happily accept the precious gift of motherhood and embrace the blessing, to successfully go through pregnancy and delivery.I want ,strive to be a good,loving mother and want my babies to healthy,cheerful and pleasant and wish&pray they have a great life too!
Like anybody with my state of mind,I feel sad,bad,guilty, too, for thinking unnecessary too much and upsetting myself and hubby and not being able to bond suddenly with babies inside me.i want to be practical and live in reality only,always.Of course, I wanted one of them to be a girl and its lucky,cute to have both daughters too.Having said all these,I definitely don't want my thoughts to affect my babies inside and I seriously like,want girls to be girls and not tomboyish.
How can I help myself more to change my mind?Am i really being mentally sick?:0.Please feel free to scold me if am really being silly..

 

Thank u so much Rihana for your quick reply and really motivational,inspiring thoughts!! Yes,I've to help myself to accept the reality happily and not just try to evade it.thank u!

 

I have two sisters and never missed a brother in my life. Not sure if my parents missed raising a boy (we were never made aware of).
I feel that sister brother relation is strong only for first few years of life, then they have different set of friends and different interests. It is not that they stop loving each other but there is hardly so much they can do together after elementary school years. And for a brother brother relationship, it is strong only until they get married. If co-sisters get along well, good, otherwise it would only on bdays or anniversaries they would hear each other. But a sister sister relation does not weather through marriage, death of parents or anything!
Sure there are exceptions, but I have seen them enough to generalize.

See bollywood movies also, if they have to show positive bond in grown-up adult siblings they would generally show both sisters(but why they have to love the same guy ) or brothers (my fav, jo jeeta wohi sikander, kabhi khushi kabhi gam, hum aapke hai kaun, many many more and dont forget ramanayana and mahabharat). For brother sister hmm.. (why a sister in a typical bollywood film is just a supporting character to tie a rakhi or a vamp to create troubles for heroine)
If I could choose i would choose in the order (If I would just have two)
1. two girls
2. two boys
3. boy and a girl.

Aah I wish I could have two boys and two girls ..

 

It feels like I have written this post. Exactly my thought and feelings. And slight depression in pregnancy too. Though my kids are older now, still feel the sting when someone delivers a baby boy coz it’s celebrated with so much fervor...