Mil's Death Anniversary.. Wish I Could Forgive And Forget..so Much Bitterness

@blessed your MIL is no more and then why grudge against a departed soul.Other way to forgive is to forget the past ,.Dumping our mind with unwanted memories affect our health.just folding hands in front of her picture is going to cost nothing.If you take revenge then there is no difference between you and your Mil.Think a while

 

Good grief... Ouro'. This forget-about-it-and-renew into a new person notion can justify pretty much anything. [when daddy asks the sonny why he (the scion) flunked the exam, the sonny could cheerily answer that he was a different person during study holidays, and in the exam hall, couldn't recall anything that had happened with the old 'un]
In the OP's case the MIL has done her a great favor by dying. She could have died a lot sooner; but then, better late than never. Perhaps that makes up for a lot that had happened to the DiL.

 

Dont feel guilty. She was evil to you.
Forget her. Live happily. You don't need counseling.

 

Hi Blessed,

Nice to see you here. How are you?

 

Blessed,

She ruined your past,you are letting her ruin her present from beyond this world.Does this make sense? WHo does it help? Nobody. But it definitely hurts you. The only thing that will help you move on is forgiveness, But let's face it, that is not only difficult to do, but after so many years of hurt, you actually get used to the pain and this becomes the new normal. But forgive for YOUR sake. for your present and for your future.

Forgiveness, in my experience, is 2 a step process. One forgiving ourselves and then forgiving our offender.

Like you said you feel resentment but you also feel guilty. here is how the cycle goes - you resent her, then you feel guilty and then you resent her even more for making you feel guilty when she was the one who hurt you. It is big ball of emotional confusion. Detangle it one by one.

Resentment is normal, you don't have to chastise yourself for feeling resentment. Notice it and accept it without judgement.

Make it a point to notice and say specific words to yourself - example - I can see that I am resentful now, and it's okay. I forgive myself for being resentful. Say it loud, say it in your mind, write it down and burn it. DO what it takes. For as long as it takes.

Keep doing that until you no longer criticize yourself for feeling hate towards her.

Now move on to the next step - Forgiving her.

You will notice that when you are no longer hate yourself you for being resentful, your mind is much calmer.

Now when these thoughts arise, say something like, Yes, you hurt me, I have cried a lot of tears,but I forgive you.

If some very specific incidents come to mind, don't brush it off. feel the force of it, cry if you need to but end it with I forgive you - even if you don't feel it at the time.

You can do this consciously too like when you are saying your daily prayers. Or when you are brushing your teeth at night. Choose a cue and repeat it over and over again-I forgive you -

You can do this. The one thing that is in your favor is that she is gone and can no longer conjure up new ways to give you new injuries. The old ones? It is in your hands!

 

Oh My god, 18 Years !! I can relate to what you have been going through for the last 18 years . You cannot bring back the time, but the least you could do now is spend the rest of your life without guilt.

There could be few more relatives who would have knelt down for the sake of paying respects , but not from their heart. So you never know, because people do not confide , for the fear of being judged wrongly.

If the guilt arises from the fact that everyone seemed to love her, but you did'nt , then most probably she did'nt shower that love to you.(If you believe in Soul after death, she would have realized this as well .). So, why should you spend rest of your life with guilt? Learn to forgive and let go.

You do not need counselling, just talk to people who have gone through similar experiences as you went through. I guess if you have vented your feelings out by talking to someone trusted, half of your problem would have been solved.

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My blog : www.quora.com/profile/Rekha-K-75

 

When your MIL was alive, she made your life miserable fr 18 years
Your MIL is no more, how many years of your life are you going make miserable by not getting over her? Ask yourself that. Now, you only have yourself to blame.

Somewhere , within your depths , I suspect , you blame your DH for letting you suffer. Maintaining MIL as the villian, helps you overlook the husband's role. We women tend to do that, give excuses for the husband, to the point of fooling ourselves. But for the wounds to heal, we need an ackwledgement of their failure to love and protect, a geniune apology.
Perhaps this isnt true for you, perhaps it is - dig a little deeper to see.

 

Dear @blessed

At least you are blessed now as per your ID. Count on your blessings.

Why do you want to forget and forgive her?
Did she ask any forgiveness before she died?
Did she repent for everything you had to undergo in her home?
Or at least did anyone else consoled you on behalf of that woman, like her children or family? and asked you to forgive her?
If the answer to any of my above question is YES, then.... ya, you should try to forgive her, though you can't forget everything. Take it slowly, one issue at a time... May be on her 10th anniversary, you would have forgotten her completely.

But if your answer to the above is NO... why would you even try to forget or forgive her?
She was an abuser. You by fate had to live with her, and undergo all the abuses.
Now, that you have been released. Enjoy this freedom.

Think about it this way.....
Would you forgive if someone raped or murdered your dear one (Just saying...) and died eventually.
Emotional abuse is no less than physical abuse, and here the victim is YOU.
Yes, she is passed away.... So what.

I am sure, that you are not going to do any evil practices to harm her soul in hell (I am sure, she belongs there). If so, why feel guilt.

Accept your brain/heart or whatever that directs you. Yes, they are right. You can't forgive them. No one can forgive anyone unless they asked for forgiveness.
You don't have to forgive and forget

Now that she is no more. She shouldn't matter to you anymore.
Just be there, and pass her memorial day like any politicians' or leader's memorial day without any emotions.

Good luck