1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Help For A Troubled Married Life. For A Man Who Loves His Family In Toto.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by KrishnaSri, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    But the abuse is not continuous. I can say it is a fit-of-rage type of thing, I am there for my kid when I am present.

    My wife also loves the kid.

    And as @Amulet said, this is not a technique where maximum audio and minimum pain. This is not drama or soap.

    We hate such dramas. Ours is a 3BHK with 2 baths, she can go anywhere and lock, but she took my kid for bath.

    My wife is also seriously concerned about parenting, We are also eager to learn about good parenting.
     
  2. KrishnaSri

    KrishnaSri Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    36
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    In fact, we are not planning to suddenly engage the maid with out notice to my wife. This is not a decision which is finalized, this will be discussed among all, but there was really no good time after the recent first incident.

    I am afraid, If I engage maid, in rough times after quarrels like this, my DW & MIL may think they succeeded by creating havoc and may create further havocs as a tantrum.

    That is only my concern, nothing else. I am ready to discuss this when dust settles probably after a week.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,686
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    She does love the kid. But when she gets angry, she takes it out on the kid. 2 year old is a young age. The kid will get scared, it will hamper his development.
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,686
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    No. They are not a team.
    You and your mom are a team, that's why your wife is insecure . She also seems to be at fault in some of the instances you have written earlier.
    If the drama continues even after the maid better to move to a different house. Not a healthy atmosphere for your kid to live in
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    :facepalm:
    This is not war.
    This is home management and an effort to reduce tension.
    Every fight over simple issues drives a wedge between the two women you love.
    Stop overthinking. Get a maid.
    Heard about the saying... 'A stitch in time saves nine.'
    A maid is the stitch your house needs right now.
    Don't make it an ego issue.

    Talk to your wife. Tell her you are thinking of getting a maid for a few jobs at home and ask her what she thinks about it .Make her part of the decision .Then it won't look like she got her way.

    Talk to your wife about the need to find another outlet for her rage . She could talk to you once she is calm .Tell her to look up how to control anger on the internet .Help her with this .
     
    SinghManisha, KrishnaSri and shravs3 like this.
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Do you have ground rules in your marriage? You are only three years into the marriage and can still work on these things. Looks like you both don’t have limits on outside interference. I’m sorry but there will be interference when two women stay under the same roof.

    Your wife shouldn’t be oversharing with her mom. Neither should you.
    Since you are the poster and not her, I’m trying to think of the best way you can achieve this. Maybe have a set amount of money you can set aside for her personal use that you don’t disclose to your mom. Your wife may gain confidence in you that you are a team. That may help alleviate some of her actions. You can then bring up the oversharing with her mom tactfully. Sorry too many cooks just spoil the marriage.

    Do not have any personal discussions with each other outside of your bedroom. You have no idea what your mom does with the info after you are at office. She probably is triggering your wife and vice versa. This will give both of you a sense that you are a team and that your talks are private. Even if she brings something up, walk into the room and talk in “private”. Make privacy your key concern. In a few months, see if she holds her end of her bargain.

    Why do you have to keep explaining to each woman when the other one doesn’t do as per her expectations? Not mopping the room, not wringing the mop etc aren’t worthy of anyone’s time. Just ignore. Don’t respond and don’t engage. After all this, if they quarrel let them. Don’t explain to mom why wife’s point of view is right and vice versa. Keep all the explaining and cajoling for big issues. If not, you will only talk about the moping and wringing mop issue with your wife.
    These MIL not doing and DIL not doing nagging will only continue if you keep involving in the nitty gritty things each one does. If you actively ignore, in time both will give up on telling you.

    Have some free time with wife. Don’t bring up any mom/mil or any other triggering dialogues during this stipulated free time. Just enjoy each other’s company. I would do this with mom too if I were you. Just take her to the temple or something and not discuss anything about the house.

    Beating up the child for no fault of the child cannot be justified. I would be very firm if I were you on this. The child can be punished for something that she has done and not otherwise. It’s anyway a bad idea to spank a two yrs old - even rarely and even if mom is “usually” very good and loving. Don’t be the parent who lets it happen. If it happens despite your tough stance, you definitely have to think of outside help(viz counselor) for her anger management. No amount of justification can be made for shouting matches in the presence of the child and hurting the child. Not something a loving parent does! No point justifying it.
     
  7. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    285
    Likes Received:
    355
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with this poster. This is not normal mil-dil khich khich.
    Why she beat the kid?

    Kishnasri instead of taping her phone calls this what you should worry about. This not normal to beat a kid. Don’t take it so lightly.

    Why all are scolding him? His mom is more reliable person so he feels she is part of team.

    The wife sounds like a flake. Unreliable and quarrelsome. I don’t agree to separate the old lady to another home. Call a family meeting with her parents and have it out. You people didn’t hide anything, all was known before marriage itself ( about the dad, the mom will be with them etc) but they have took it as weakness and trying to manipulate now that’s what I feel. Call a meeting and topics should be her fighting with your mom and her beating the kid. And stop asking sorry if you feel it is not your fault.
     
    Laks09, KrishnaSri and peartree like this.
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    1,526
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    @poovai @troubledmom I just like to point out one thing Just like we are not calling OP to have mental problems for tapping wife's phone , neither we have any right to label her that way ; labelling someone is not good .

    Already she is dehumanised enough by illegally tapping her phone calls with her mom, denied basic right to privacy and dignity ...we don't really need any.more labels for her that will justify more abuse (being spied upon, micromanaged and all ) ...

    We should be talking about the phone tapping first and foremost before anything else. It is absolutely illegal.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2018
  9. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    3,180
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I really don't get why the wife is to be treated like a exquisite porcelain doll!! She thought she could adult as well and got married, so not sure why the OP or his mother has to tread around egg shells around her all the time. She knew at the time of marriage that his mom is going to be living with them, so not sure what her issue is.

    From the OP's responses, it seems like he is doing all he can so that his mom is also not in his wife's business all the time. Now, when 2 people are in the same house, some conversation is bound to happen? If I am cooking and another person is eating it, and that person says it is too spicy or oily or salty, it could be taken as criticism or could be taken as a suggestion!! What exactly is the MIL saying? We seem to be jumping to conclusions that the OP's mom is out to spoil her son's life. We are SO ready to give a DIL of the benefit of doubt but cannot afford an MIL the same courtesy!

    OP, first off, stop this recording thing. If you want a functional family, spying on what others are talking is definitely not a sign of it. Second, your mom and wife are adults. You need not be the messenger between them both, except when both of them are crossing the limits of being respectful to each other, and to you. You need not interpret your mom's comments for your wife or vice versa. Let them deal with their relationship themselves. All you need to do for both of them is to be there. There will be times when you will have to prioritize your mother's needs over your wife's and there will be other times when you will have to prioritize your wife's needs over your mom's. I really don't get why a man has to choose one or the other!! Please make your mom and wife realize that they're both important to you in their respective roles and this constant fighting is giving you a headache!

    As for the decision on the maid, I really don't think the OP was "hiding" anything intentionally! During the course of conversation with him mom on how to set things right at home, a comment that "we should get a maid" may have been made, that hasn't been communicated to the wife yet. I really think we sometimes tend to read too much into a poster's problem and spin it off to where we blow it up, when the OP's issue may not even that serious! Like when in college, a boy just has to look in your direction and all the girls will start teasing you with his name, so much that at one point, you will really start wondering if you like that person!! Happened to me in school/college a lot!!

    OP, STOP recording your wife's calls. IMMEDIATELY STOP.
     
    Sri2196, KrishnaPriya3 and KrishnaSri like this.
  10. troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    285
    Likes Received:
    355
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello madam ( or sir as I cannot make it out)

    Kindly read my post again and tell me where I encouraged phone taping? I clearly said ‘instead of ....’ you may check for yourself the post.
    And also his post. He is not a psycho who taped her from day one. He clearly said he fears a false dv case and trying to self protect himself. I agree his solution is not optimal. If you have better idea of how to do that you give your suggestions
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2018

Share This Page