Child Beating Badly

This is the scenario that usually plays out. Kid acts out. I tell him nicely, 'no hitting, it hurts mommy/daddy. Did you say sorry and that you won't do that again?' Kid still doesn't listen. 'Did you ask mommy if she needs ice or a bandaid? Look, it hurts. Mommy is crying' Still nothing. Then it's time to explain calmly. 'You know that you shouldn't hit. If you do bad things, you need to go to timeout.' I hold kid's hand and lead to bedroom. Close the door and count to 5 outloud. Kid is crying, because he knows it is a punishment. Then I open the door. 'Are you a good boy, now?' Usually at this point, he comes running back and I give him a hug and a kiss, and say thank you for being a good boy and that hitting is bad. There are times that he decides that he's not a good boy, and stays in timeout for another 5 secs.

Timeouts in the same room works sometimes. Initially we had a timeout corner, but then my kid thought it was funny to be in timeout. I think same room timeouts work especially well if they are in a class of peers or room of siblings/cousins and see that they are in timeout and not having fun, while all their friends are.

If you feel like it is an anger thing (which sometimes happens since the kid is separated from parent during workday - this may not be that), you can try teaching ways to calm the kid down. When anyone gets angry, the best way to get calm quickly is counting and breathing. This can work for a toddler as well. I introduced it to my son by telling him that if he feels like a big bad wolf, he needs to huff and puff all his anger out. It starts off as a blowing exercise, but it's a way to distract and teach a way to deal with it.

 

Yesterday he said I love all but no one loves me. They beat me and scold me. I explained to him the incidents that he was talking about with love. I got emotional with his words and felt how innocent is their world and we don't understand that many times and later feel guilty. I am working on him and can see very little change. Hoping for best.

 

Good idea...will try to do that soon...thanks.

 

At 4y they gain communications skills. So he will be able to understand what you tell him. What he likes most ? for example if he watch cartoon everyday or like a toy to play with, Tell him if you behave badly, you wont get the toy or will not be able to watch cartoon. Be firm and constant with what you said , every time. Even if he cries, dont yield in . He has to get a message that there will be an effect for any bad action. so when he starts, warn him "mommy is going to take this away if you behave badly ..." .

If he do anything good and help you, then hug &kiss him , then tell that he is a very good boy, love you.. you are mommy's darling, I like your help ... etc.. Suppose he behaves well that day, when you take him to bed, hug him and tell that you were good boy today and mommy likes it and kiss him... etc..Enforce it. Appreciate his positive aspects in front of others. You have to convey that you love him but dont encourage his bad behaviour.

I also had a tough time with my son when he was ~4yr. My son was not very good in sharing things. So whenever he share something with his sister I do the same thing .. and tell him he is a good brother. Then ask his sister to thank and hug him for sharing something. I can then see the proud brother and smile in his face. So enforce positive actions by rewarding. I even tell my dh , in front of him that he is now a big brother and it makes him happy. It worked in my case.

Dont get irritated. When you find him in an angry mood, just take a deep breath, calm down. Smile at him. Make funny face..hug him..Talk in a very calm way. (I know it is easy to get angry when you are tired , but it wont work) try to calm down. you know it better. Also try to spend more time with him. Take him to park,shopping, read a book or spare time"mommy &me" doing something everyday , watch a cartoon song together, laugh with him, share little secrets etc...(only you two, hope someone can take care your younger one). You can even schedule it everyday. And slowly make him aware that he is the elder brother and make him part of your team to help younger one, give him the credit for his little help. Once he is happy that mommy is with him for everything he will calm down.

I think he is indirectly giving you a message that he needs your attention more than you think by these tantrums. So give him that. But be firm, say NO and take away his favorite things when he dont listen to you even after doing all those efforts to calm down. Dont worry. It will pass.

 

Thanks for your reply. I always admire your way of explaining things. I am doing many of the things you described. But having separate time with him is little difficult but will try for that too. He is very much in control now. He always needs attention and I am giving him that. He tries to speak like younger one to look cute like him and to gain everyone's attention. No one like him doing this as it look very bad but still I tell him he is looking cute to fulfill his desire. Have to do lot more but best part is improvement is there.

 

Heart-wrenching! The whole family scold and beat him! I feel very sorry for the little fellow!