Should I Confront My Mom?

@Naari

Should I be upset for events that happen over a 15 or 20 day period in a year or 2 years, that's 2.5%-5% of the total time? Is the heartache worth it?

The experiences/ memories of those 15-20 days can last a life time unfortunately!

 

True ! This advice is my guilt speaking unfortunately!! As time & again, ppl close to me have advised me to keep quiet in India since it's for a very short period of time. I don't agree with it, but if I revolt full on as per my personality, I feel guilty when I am back from trip..There is just no sweet spot here I guess, it's like a cliff on one side , lion on another side situation

 

Why can't your wife cook as well? Why only your mom?

 

Glad you realise that you need to act , even if it has been a long time that your wife has been putting up with this. Remember this builds resentment, it will be no surprise if your wife to some extent hates your mom and has some level of resentment towards you deep within her.

A husband is supposed to support and protect his wife, instead she is putting up with this because of you. How to fully respect a man who cannot stand up for her when she is being wronged?

You do your part and she will more willing adjust some - together you will make it work.

 

Yes.
My friends and parents too tell me to forget the bad experience. Itsnot easy

 

Coz the mom will not let the wife cook.

 

Really your wife is lucky to have an understanding husband like you. I wish I could get you to meet my husband and put some sense in his mind on how to accept the truth when mother is wrong and wife is right.

Most of Indian men do not even acknowledge that their mother is wrong and is ill treating their wives....
So I appreciate your efforts in atleast acknowledging and admitting it.

Now please, do not make your wife suffer anymore especcially eating the "left over scraps".
Make your wife sit with you and have meals together. If she is served less, give your part of food. Your mom will make sure to cook enough from next time.

And even better, your wife and sil could help your mom in kitchen (if your mom allows) in deciding the quantities so that no one including your mom has to suffer eating less!

About your dad, I guess you could atleast see your dad and learn...how your dad is suuporting his wife.... even you should support your wife.

And I know what you are going through.... my husband's parents are like your parents.... actually my dh's parents are even more wrong. They abuse, they lie, they do dramas, and when I try to make my husband understand that they are wrong and I'm hurt... my husband is not able to acknowledge that his parents are wrong though he sees everything infront of his eyes.

And even if once in a bluemoon my dh tries to speak to his parents in support of me, they refuse to even let him discuss the matter by doing dramas and crying crocodile tears saying that I (his wife) am creating rift between him n his parents ....etc.... they accuse me of changing my husband...n there boom my husband feels guilty and he again stops thinking of what's right or wrong ...and just supports his parents blindly ... this has been damaging our relationship continuously over past few months.


Sigh!

I can just say that even if you cant rationally have any convo with your parents on their behaviour, atleast try to be the shirld of your wife and protect her from suffering... if your mom gives orders to do which your wife is not interested, call out your wife by some excuse and take her away...

If your mom comments anything to your wife whoch hurts her, just praise your wife infront of your mom for the exact same issue on which your mom commented her on.

Please dont make your wife adjust anymore. She should be applauded for adjusting this since 10years.

Be her king...protect her... make her your queen... not a damsel in distress.

 

Of the two, the greater evil is the physical and mental harm that comes from "adjusting". It would be different if you were living in a joint family home under the thumb of your in-laws, dependent on them for your physical and mental safety. That dependence no longer exists. On what basis are they exercising their power? I see none.

It would be a different matter also if you lived apart from them but remained in India. Mores still haven't shifted and old is gold. But, the West has no place for such obligations. So, there is no need to even pretend to adjust when you visit for short periods. Having said that, your upbringing was probably traditional and hence you feel guilt for not adjusting.

A friend of mine used to say, "Adjust karna seekho aur adjust karana seekho (Learn to adjust and learn to make others adjust)." This is a fine art honed over decades of living together. If you have lived alone or if you are used to to living in the West, this can be quite difficult. One has to develop other skills of survival there such as learning to manage alone. The very skills that help us survive in the West can be a hindrance to surviving in India.

The Western solution is to give everybody their own space so that they can do what they want and don't feel stifled by anybody else. The problem with that approach is that people grow apart and families disintegrate. Families are required to raise children and families and households sustain the order of this world.

So, there really is no solution to this age old problem. We just have to suffer along and make out own adjustments. When I interact with Indians I urge them to modernise. When I interact with Westerners I urge them to be more traditional and family-oriented, hoping in the process to bring both groups closer to my way of being which is somewhere in the middle.

 

Op since you mentioned you love your wife,how about giving her the option of staying with her parents during India visits..
She will not have to eat scraps and as an adult women she will be able to do what she wants...that is ,function like an adult.

People who love someone do not eat a bellyful while the loved one eats scraps . This holds good for both the wife and the mother.

Once is a mistake ...but when food repeatedly falls short ,it is intentional. The mil is forcing the dil to make sacrifices with her.Sacrifices neither of them need to make

Let your wife have the option of not staying with your mom .
It will save your wife the resentment and save you from hurting fragile egos.

If your mother wants to spend time with her son's wife,then let her treat her better. Till then you can just tell that she is not happy eating scraps and being suffocated.

 

I Hate this word "ADJUST".