Can't Find A Way Out Of This Situation!

vanithaudt · Apr 27, 2017

You muat not shift as your hubby is important for your son. Your sil are putting pressure on your hubby and theg are playing blaming and sympathy game with him ( i assume ). Ots all indian system where girls want share in the proprty and dont put themselves when it comes to responsibilities. Don leave your hubby that is not good for relationship and there are bad women out

DDream · Apr 27, 2017

I feel that breaking your family to take care of MIL is not a good option. I feel that it will create more problems in your life than others. So be careful. Talk to MIL and let her know that everyone is concerned. If she is OK with current set up, Let her enjoy it. Your job is helping dh to manage his mom. May be her children should go to native in turns to check with MIL. You can also support them. I think you can arrange someone to stay with her or explore similar option to keep an eye on her while staying away. Dont fall for pressure from others.

teejay · Apr 27, 2017

BhumiBabe said: ↑

I agree, why is this not an option, especially since this SIL is single?
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Sil is over 30 and we are actively looking for an alliance for her.according to mil, why should she move in with sil in india when she can get married and relocate any time

teejay · Apr 27, 2017

Rihana said: ↑

Don't do that. Even if MIL agrees and moves to a metro to live with you, she can suddenly change her mind any time and go back to native place. You will then be left high and dry. When children are young, breaking up the family and living apart has to happen for a very strong reason. An old parent who refuses to take correct dosage of medicine, refuses to live with any child, and who repeatedly says she is fine and asks to be left alone, is not a strong enough reason.

This is primarily your husband's problem. Your job is to support him as much as you can. There are so many possible solutions. You, your DH, your US SIL and your India SIL can take turns going and staying with your MIL for a few weeks each.
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Thanks @rihana.mil changing her ming is some thing I had not thought about. My thought was at least I will have a job and financial independence. I will have to have a serious discussion with DH and Sil

teejay · Apr 28, 2017

DDream said: ↑

I feel that breaking your family to take care of MIL is not a good option. I feel that it will create more problems in your life than others. So be careful. Talk to MIL and let her know that everyone is concerned. If she is OK with current set up, Let her enjoy it. Your job is helping dh to manage his mom. May be her children should go to native in turns to check with MIL. You can also support them. I think you can arrange someone to stay with her or explore similar option to keep an eye on her while staying away. Dont fall for pressure from others.
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@DDream thanks.I agree with u.someone reliable to watchover sounds the best possible solution

teejay · Apr 28, 2017

ashneys said: ↑

I had the same feeling abt ur mil. Some people just love the privacy and she may jus want to be left alone. Or else she could easily chose any one out of the 3 to stay with. Esp the sil whos still single who is in the same country.

You or ur hubby must speak of all the options u r looking at to check if shes actually ok with anything.
First, is she gona be ok with u n ur kid moving in with her to the village on a longer basis.
Second, If u move to another city in india with ur child n get a job, as u mentioned, n say she agrees, isnt she gona be stuck taking care of a child. She would still have to supervise even if u hire a full time nanny. That mite not b ok with a person who wants to be free.
Third, if shes open to moving only within the country, ur sil is the best choice. It will be like they both r there for each other.
Fourth, will she really change her mind if u move to india as a whole family n come live with u guys.

Any effort or ideas or plans that u r making is not gona make a difference if shes not gona b ok with it.
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I guess Mil might prefer either me staying with her or a maid if she has to choose.cos she won't have to move from her place.let me discuss with Dh

curiousgals78 · Apr 28, 2017

isnt it reasonable for her to move in with your single sil in India?
why is it that you have to disrupt your family life with your DH goto India to take care of her?

dnormx01 · Apr 29, 2017

I feel the issue here is not your mil but your Dh and sil. Mil is clear about wanting to be to herself. She hasn't asked you for any kind of support. I also understand what one goes through when they know parents are sick. But don't you find your sil and husband 's expectation from you unrealistic? Her kids have school so she can't go but you should go? I don't understand. Your kids also need good education right?

If your husband is so worried, he should visit her more. Start searching seriously and try to move back asap. How can he just tell you to go and take care when all of them earn and your mil is not even interested in living with you?

Since it's their native, there should be some relatives around who can keep vigil. But before you take any decisions, you should ask her what she wants? Have a complete discussion about everything, issues she's facing, your issues now and later etc. The solution lies there.

Best wishes

Rihana · Apr 29, 2017

teejay said: ↑

Thanks @rihana.mil changing her ming is some thing I had not thought about. My thought was at least I will have a job and financial independence. I will have to have a serious discussion with DH and Sil
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In any such discussion, don't become the "leader" and the conductor of the discussion. Remember that the problem is an old lady's care. And what can be done for that. Not what you can do to reduce your husband's worries. There is a difference.

Often when a person is already willing to make a sacrifice like yours (moving to India without husband), it starts to get taken for granted. It is taken as a given, and suggestions on its implementation are dished out, rather than your conditions or misgivings heard. If you do go, your husband, SIL and even MIL have to be appreciative of it, and acknowledge what a hardship it is for you. And you should have a backup plan or criteria of "I will return immediately if x/y/z happens/does not happen."

Shanvy · Apr 29, 2017

@teejay this is one situation that the siblings need to sit and discuss with their mom.

That good opportunity that ticks all the boxes takes time. Once you agree and bite the bullet because your husband is restless, it will be like another six months, another year and years go by. You are not going to make mil happy nor you are going to be crowned for the sacrifice or doing your duty or ypur husband going to be fine. Resentment at the place, situations and then slowly it would move on to your mil and finally on to your husband simply for not being able to ask him mom to stay with you at the first instant.

i feel you can convince her, that she can keep the place in the village.
And visit each of the children for a month, and when she is in the village find somebody who would be fine to help keep watch and be with her for a payment. Take a longer vacation this summer go and be with her and observe and enquire around and keep your options open.

If you find one, ask your dh to include the sisters in the discussions. Make taking the medicines and visiting eAch of you a condition.

The kids are one who would miss out a lot in such arrangements even if your husband were to make 4 trips of a year instead of one month long ones.

That said your mil wanting to stay at one place, rooted and independant free of all the responsiblity is a wish understandable.

Hugs and wish you find a solution that leaves you all in peace.