My Toddler Is Becoming My Enemy.

OP, feels like my LO when she was an LO. Now she is all grown up independent and mature and ready for college. So yes , you will survive this.

Find out the reason for her stubbornness. There they are with only some things within their control, in this big, fascinating yet intimidating world. They are learning the ropes. With my daughter it was a little delayed speech - she could use one or two words together but had not learnt using sentences. But she wanted to express herself , and it would frustrate her no end that she cannot express herself. When I understood her problem, I realised it was a sturggle for her too, she doesnt want to be difficult, it made life a bit easier.

You just have to be calm and firm. Patience , patience and patience. Let her have control over some things, try to involve her in the activities. Mentally preparing her like other posters have suggested helped.

Problem #1- I say 1-2-3 - done, she did not care, now what, I forcefully carry her, dress her up and take out. Forcing her to dressup is very very difficult at that she as she resists and hit back.

Try to involve her. Like to dress her up, show her her favourite dresses and ask her to choose one. If she refuses to, you narrow down to 2 choice, and keep talking about dress like " hmm mama doesnt know which one to choose? " finally settle for one. Tell her in 5 mins we will get ready. Then in 5 mins put away whatever she is doing very firmly and tell her she can do that after she is dressed up. Do not lose your temper. Do not make it a battle of wills.
#2 - I tell her, do not scream at the lungs if you need anything. Please ask nicely. Using you words.. No I will scream, I want to scream.
Ok then you will get slap, NO I will slap you.
Ok, You will not get xyz thing, Louder scream...

Good, just tell her you will not get xyz thing till you ask nicely. If she screams louder, smile and ignore her. Just be firm. If needed , take deep breaths, count 1-10, fake a calm look, whatever , she should know that her screaming is not having any effect on you.

The key is you do not lose your calm. Once you let her affect you she will manipulate you.

Also best not to threaten with slap. It loses effectiveness pretty soon. My style would not be to beat, but I know parents who used the rod pretty effectively. it is all about being very clear about the objectives, if you are an emotional person I suggest keep away from it. Rewards for reinforcement and removal of privileges as punishment worked better for me.

And if you do beat her at any point , do not go all mushy and apologise to her when she cries . Yes, it is heart rending when you see your LO cry when you have been harsh with her, but that is sending wrong signals to her. Either dont beat or if you do, dont make it seem like your mistake.

Bascially try not to make it a battle. Because if you do, either she will win or you will win but will be emotionally drained by it.

 

Few things that I do which might help you.
1) don't bother about cleanliness or arranging toys in the house all the time. Do it when she sleeps. Even i have very less space in my house and my house and bed is full of her toys, small things like pencils spoons etc. I tried to ask her help me with picking up things but at 2.5 she is not able to understand or doesn't want to do it. So, I do it when she sleeps. My house looks a complete mess with all the toys here n there but then its worth my mental peace at the end of the day. After she sleeps I put everything in a big cover. Sometimes at night before going to bed I hold the cover and ask her if she can help me put one by one into it and she willingly helps me though not 100%. If anyone comes to my house, I just tell them its a mess with toys as they can themselves see it. Have seen her friends house also like this , always full of toys and mom puts it back only after the child has slept.

2)regarding the dressing up part, even its a struggle for me. At one point of time she just wanted to one pant always. I let her wear that if its available and it was like every alternate day she was wearing the same one. Just ignore if she doesn't wear pants and sit naked.
3) Treat her with respect and give importance to her. Praise her. Lift her often. Kiss and hug her. Spend quality time with her. Give her freedom to do things which won't hurt but might create mess.

Some days I feel like crying bcos I am not able to manage her clinginess to me. I can't do any work in kitchen or she follows me there and screams if I don't allow her to put salt or other spices in curry. She wants me to be near her always.

No point in comparing children. Each will do their part only when they are ready for it. I know one mother who has trained her 1.9 months girl to put toys back after playing. But mine at 2.5 won't do it. So its of no use of me being adamant on her to put it back.

 

Hello,
I can fully understand your situation. I too have a daughter aged 3...it becomes a great problem for a new mom to handle a child all alone at home when no ones around.

I have a few tips to share with you which i have applied.
frst a foremost, don't use any I or U sentences..instead you can say "Let us put all toys back".....if you say "Mummy will put back"..she will be relieved and would take advantage of this. If you tell her to do, she will not do cos she is forced to do this.instead you both can put it together like a race game, pretending who puts it back fast.....by doing this she will try to put the toys in the basket just to win the race against you...i tried this and it worked....(but make sure she doesnt win this race, cos if she wins she will lost interest...but if she loses she will try hard to win the next time)
another trick which i applied was threatening her to throw the toys, if she doesn't put it back.I infact tried this and this worked in my case.I had literally threw some of the old toys (which i wanted to throw anyways)...just to threaten my child and to make her believe that "Mumma can do whatever she says"....
if not the above, then you can hide her favorite toy....when she will search for it, she will know its value and start to take care of her things more than before.
just to say that now my daughter visits playschool, infact the teacher tells me after playing, my daughter puts all the toys back in one big basket....
my daughter is now complete disciplined, that after eating her food she makes it a point to put the empty plate in the kitchen sink.
you can also try not to give any interest in her screams, tantrums, louder cries, etc......i know it will make you look a bit rude, but it will help in the long run..
if you shout back,she is gonna over-react too and this will never end.
Instead try to be silent, and ignore her when she is loud or rude or stubborn.It is ok.
What is wrong is wrong, and kids do need to understand that there behaviour and attitude is wrong..
Sometimes silence is better than words.....
Because if you shout it will make her more miserable and insecure especially when her father won't be around.

Lastly dnt feel bad that your daughter likes your husband more and ignores or treats you like her enemy.
It is rightly said somewhere, "Daughter's are Daddy's little Princess"....and 'Daddy's are Daughter's first love"

So dnt feel sorry for this, cos this is universal truth.with time she will definitely be much more kind, caring and friendly with you....

 

Dear @sanjuruby3

Most of the issues you mentioned I believe are faced by almost all the parents when their kids are in toddler stage. I am not saying to brush it aside as typical toddler issue. I am just saying that you are NOT alone. Personally, it helped me a lot when I realized this.

My DS is almost 2.5 years old. I am typically a very patient person. But my LO can drive me absolutely crazy at times. He is an energy bomb (liked this word ) and is extremely active. The first and only response for anything I suggest to him is a firm and resounding NO. It could be as simple as putting his shorts on. These days I am consciously being extremely patient with him and it gives me so much of peace. Distraction works with my kid some times. One thing that always works for me is that I just tell him that mommy is upset with his behavior and not going to talk/play with you. Whenever I tell him that I am NOT going to talk to him he immediately corrects his behavior and comes to please me by giving hugs/kisses. I don't know if this will work for you. But please try and see.

Another thing I've seen is that my DH is sometimes a little bit harsh on him. And whenever this happens it really upsets him so much. I think LO feels very disrespectful.

In your case, since you are the only one disciplining her, she always prefers her dad instead. Can you talk with you DH so that you both get on the same page when it comes to parenting?

Just taking care of a toddler all day is enough to drain a young person. I think the biggest problem here is that you are already exhausted with other things going on in your life (w.r.t career, health, FOO issues etc) and on top of it, the typically toddler issues are getting too much for you. So, please consider taking some time off everyday to do something that will relax you. When does your DH come home? Can you give her to him and just go take a shower for a good 20 mins?

This is a phase and will pass. Please take care of yourself first.

 

Dear OP,

Dont worry, this will pass. My son (when he was 2-3 yrs) used to say 'NO' all the time, even while nodding 'YES'. We used to call him 'NO boy' . I think at this age, they develop communication skills, but are not very good at it. May be that is the issue. NO is an easy word they learn. So they love it and use it for everything. It will change soon. It is simply a phase.

As others also suggested just give her more space.. let her do whatever she wants .. if its OK and safe. Dont try to control her too much. I noticed that if I fight back or scream, I get back the same. So stopped doing that. Just ignore their unnecessary tantrums, but keep an eye and pretend as ignoring. But say NO is it is necessary by looking at her eyes and if possible bending to her level.

In my case counting upto five works well. I will say, I will count up to 5 and if you dont come , I will go.. I will count and pretend to do what I said. It works most of the time. If we go out, If she dont hold my hand, I will say, if you dont hold my hand, I will go back. If she dont listen, I will go back to car. So she knows I will stick to what I said.

Dressing up my girl was also a problem. She don't like what I select most of the time. So what I did is, I will show her two three pairs and ask her what she wants to wear. She will select one and feels very proud. That solved lot of issues.

In home taking away their valuables or giving time out (I will keep them on table/ counter top so that they cannot go out) if they dont listen. I dont bend unless they stop crying or listen to me. It worked well when they were young. Now they listen to all instructions very well.
Another way is by rewarding them.. If you do this .. i will give a candy or some thing else she likes.. If she listens tell her she is a good girl and give a hug/kiss or hi fi (high five).. say you did it.. etc,, reward .. it gives them a feeling of achievement.. Always do what ever you said you do...be firm.

Staying with a 2.5 y energy bomb is not an easy task. If you can schedule time for bath, dinner etc.. and say dinner time, bath time.. etc.. and stick to it. Rest of the time allow her what ever she wants.. Instead of saying do this do that let us go.. etc.. try 'can you do it or can you help me with it' etc.. it may work..

Patience and keeping calm composure may help.. Dont over stress. Whenever you can hug and kiss and hold her on your lap .I noticed that girls like those emotional moments much. Do something together like watching her favourite nursery song video while she sits with you.. etc....

Just relax, dont worry about it too much. it will pass. What else kids are supposed to do.. Let them have some share of naughtiness. Anyway take care of your health and find 'me time' to relax every day.

 

Hi...
From your post, i can understand your frustration. I have a 5 years old daughter and trust me, every single parent would have gone through this situation. But please instead of getting frustrated, try being patient. They are just very small children and they need their own space. Now a days, we parents have started expecting so much from these tiny ones. Please do not expect perfection. Allow them to make mistakes so that they learn things better ..
When we order them something, they tend to do the opposite. Instead distract them. For instance, if you do not want your child to sit on the floor without pants, spread a mat and put her toys there which will automatically make her sit on the mat. Let her enjoy this freedom of sitting without pants for a few while. May be she feels comfortable that way. After a while, you can bring a pant to her and tell her something interesting to distract her and make her wear the pants. (Do not tell about you have to wear pants).

And to make her come somewhere, counting is the best way. It may not work initially but trust me, that's the best way. And yes, even here you have to be patient. I generally count from 1 to 5. At the stroke of 5, if she doesn't come with me, i will not tell her a word and i prepare to start out by wearing my slippers. Now she knows that amma is gonna leave her and go. This way she prepares herself. If we shout after the count of 5, they are gonna understand that nothing is gonna happen at the end of the count and only screaming which they will easily ignore

Also at times, when they ask for some more time, please respect them. And once in a while appreciate their demands. If they ask for some more time to play in the park, say an yes and allow them but give a time constraint say 5 min, which way they will feel highly respected. This will also help them respect us.

As a therapist, i have worked with many children even with autism . I have found that being patient and appreciating them does wonders. Respecting them in every deed will definitely help them grow their personality. All the best !