Child With Autism

@Sunshine04 - I wanted some time to respond and hence the delay.

It's hard to put the past in the past when it affects the future of your child. It's bound to make you annoyed. It's not about the money. There is some instinct in you that needs you to be provider for the child. The knowledge that it could have been so much better is very difficult to come to terms with. Especially with a child who needs financial security for the future. Identify that feeling and isolate it. Understand that we are human and make errors in judgement. Tell yourself that given your circumstances back then you did what you "both" thought was the right thing. It's a learning experience and unfortunately you have lost out financially to get to this point. All is not lost yet.

Regarding your spouse, he is now saving. For the last two years he has changed in that department and is keeping money for you guys. That's a positive and it's a realization that he has arrived at himself given his experiences. Consider this as a silver lining from all the past events. Him and you should try and put it behind you for your own sakes. What's the point in being bitter? It's not affecting your in-laws. Only you.

Regarding the verbal abuse, it started almost a decade ago. I'm not sure how to get it to stop. You have tried various ways to get him to stop. He has to find ways to turn his anger into something else. And using his words to hurt you isn't one of them. I think he needs help with that which he seems to be refusing. Will you be able to find self help books on this topic and start reading and keeping it around? Will he pick up and start reading them? Can you go see a counselor yourself and see if she can help you arrive at a solution to this problem?

The part about him not pitching in when you are sick, tell him what he should do. Ask him to fix a meal, take care of the kid etc ahead of time. Tell him that's what's expected since you are unwell. Sometimes when either spouse doesn't get it intuitively it's best to lay it out there and say what's needed. Otherwise, the other person anyway will not do it and you will end up getting annoyed.

Regarding the special needs trust fund and financial planning and will creation - its stressful. It's very difficult emotionally. It's painful to think about our own child as one who will never do a lot of things and be dependent on others for a lot of things. It's hard to come up with one person who will do it in your absence. It shot my BP up twenty points and I have an older child. I've never thought of dying until the financial planning for the special needs trust. So much of uncertainty and so many unknowns. For now, with all you have going on, shelf it for a year or so. Make getting your marriage on track a higher priority than the trust planning. Have a rudimentary will in place just in case but tie up all the other stuff after your current issues are resolved.