Marriage Is Failing...help!!!

"do not mix up entire society's problems, and entire gender's problems with your own individual marriage."

I dont agree with this thought . We dont live in a bubble . Suppose in pinky's inlaws house there is a maid , who sees these people getting dowry from pinky's parents, that maid will be influenced to do the same for her son. She may go one step further and even torture her dil .

 

I have been going through all the responses here and this is my opinion, OP may either take it in the spirit in which it is intended or leave it.
Rihana here could not have spelt out the strategy better. It is all very well to say by not standing up for one's rights, in this case, clearly not wanting to accede to any demand for gifts from your inlaws - we will be encouraging the practice. I agree 100% with this. There comes many things during the course of ones married life where we will not be in agreement with either spouse or inlaws. It is necessary to think how far you are willing to go to make your stand understood and acceptable. Clearly you do not want the marriage to fail - hence the advise.

 

Some advises doesn't sound pragmatic. Instead it encourages the abuser. It may resolve OPs issues for today. Her fil might start harassing her dad from next month. OP considering your advises might not take sides. The fil never stops harassing his dad. My point was Mahakavi would be ashamed to see such disgusting and degrading practices like dowry system still exists.

OP - My inlaws are not educated too. But not even a single penny was demanded from their end. Our was arranged marriage too. My husband was given full independence to chose a girl of his choice. On the other hand my parents are highly highly educated. My brother was more towards simple equally contributed marriage. My brother and sister in law spent from their pockets without bothering both the parents every though the parents are well off. When my mom indirectly tried to ask my sister in laws parents for gifts, my brother spoke to my mom, told his future wife is not a property to demand gifts from her parents and made her realize how this patriarchy system changed even my mom who taught us gender equality. If my brother didn't find anything wrong in my mom asking gift from her parents, she would be encouraged to harass sister in laws parents. So education has nothing to do with any of these..it all the mind set. My parent in laws are uneducated and they were totally against dowry. Whereas my mom is highly educated and she tried to ask for gifts to please the society.
IMO its good that you defended your parents. If I were you, I would feel proud for defending my parents who gave me life, I will ignore the abusers (including the husband) and focus on my studies to achieve big.
My few cents OP...its your life, do whatever you feel is right. But please focus on your studies. I assume you are in 20s. Don't let this patriarchy change the child in you. Don't let any of these change the good and positive person in you...This phase will be over soon...Just be bold and focus on studies. My best wishes and hugs dear.

 

One of my acquaintances her mother had brought her up despite all odds. Then she got married and their demands started to the point that they wanted to sell her ancestral property which was her mother's lifeline. And in a few disparing comments about her mother and she hit a breaking point. She asked her husband to leave and separated saying her mother is as important to her as her husband. If he and his in laws are not respectful of her mother they have no place in her house or life. They left but her husband came back to her saying he realized his mistake and would like to live with her. And they lived happily ever after.

What you did is the right thing. At one time or the other you should stand up for your parents and maintain your self respect. You did that albeit a little strongly which probably was not necessary. You are still in your honeymoon period where your husband means a lot to you no matter how he is. But can you bear this husband berating your parents let's say after 10 years? It is better to let your expectations be known from before marriage during marriage and right after marriage so that they know not to mess with you. But choose your words and choose your actions.

 

Excellent post @Rihana ji!
Even though i strongly believe that dowry in any form is wrong, i think your advice for handling this issue is the best, paves way for a better relationship, especially in an arranged marriage.

 

Op, Bravo!!. Not many girls do what you do. But you did. It shows your courage and strength and courage.At the same , reading your posts, I wudnt have mentioned uneducated in a mail FIL. Its like you r flaunting their weakness.Anyway you can go on and meet your hubby for a holiday and take first step.

Your husband is neither innocent nor misguided. He is cleaverly supporting your in laws in their demands.He stopped talking to you after his parents demands were not met shows he is supportive of them. You did the right thing when you nipped this in the bud. Otherwise your marriage wud have been full of unreasonable demands.

Ladies stop with conservative, ultra modern, orthodox mixing and that being a disaster. Its always In laws taking refugee of saying tradition and extracting as much as possible. That doesn't change being either one of the above. Marriage is usually paytime for In Laws. Its their dream come true things gotten without spending a dime. (been there ).

Remember In laws never let up. If there is an expense they can dump on DIL's parents they do. I remember my in laws tried to dump my husbands loans from marriage on my parents. I flatly told my FIL its not going to happen and FIL went ahead and told my dad. My dad brushed it off after I informed my parents of it. This my FIL did 5 yrs after marriage. In laws can justify anything in name of custom. Unless we women stand up and do something along with parents , this will continue.

Your relationship with your hubby is important. Feel it out. Meet him for a holiday and see how is he in all this .I gather your FIL has been stares and asked about you in family and friends circle . Hence the sudden warmth towards you.Either way you can cash in on it and see how is weather on husband's side.Good Luck.

 

Dear @pinky2cute,

I am deeply pained by your experiences after marriage. Being a 62 year old man, I would have been shattered by what you are going through if you were my daughter. First of all, my best wishes for both you and your husband to get together soon.

I am here because @Rihana's response was nominated by @iyerviji but it is good I got to read your original post and responses from IL members as well.

Just step into your shoes of your father and think what he must be going through now learning you are alone. All his effort to get you married to lead a peaceful life is destroyed. You are brave to stand up for your father and having done that, now it is time for you to get together with your husband as quickly as possible.

Dowry issue is not new and as many said here, these would disappear only when everyone marries the person of their own choice after good understanding of each other as opposed to arranged marriage. These days are not too far off.

In 1983, when I got married to my wife, my father told my in-laws that there will not be any gifts involved to me or to my wife as a demand from our family other than what my wife's family would like to give to their daughter. She was the only child to my in-laws. However, my mother was not very happy about this decision of my father and kept demanding more and more from my in-laws without the knowledge of my father or myself after our marriage.

My wife was very reluctant to discuss this issue with me and when she did, she asked me not to get involved in it. But, I stood up for her and her family and told my mother to stop doing it. It made my mother tell me that I changed a lot after my marriage and started telling that to all our extended family members. She started bad mouthing my in-laws which made my wife get angry. She told my in-laws that they should not see her daughter anymore if she were to live in our family nor my wife should visit them.

When we discussed, we came to the following conclusions:

1) Under no circumstances, my wife and I would get separated
2) It is each person's responsibility to handle the harassment and emotions respectively of respective parents
3) We both understood that each one of us need to be nice to our respective parents keeping in mind the love we individually experience from our respective parents despite all post-marriage events
4) We decided to focus building a family of our own to keep our mind occupied on something meaningful
5) My wife and I decided to use that experience she faced to understand what needs to be done when my son gets married.

I would strongly encourage both of you to talk to each other openly about your concerns and suggestions. You both need to be willing to listen to each other and your respective view points. I don't think your husband would be able to justify his parents demands. Please tell him that you understand how difficult it is for him to discuss your concerns with his parents. Tell him you love and trust him to be your life partner for life. Ask him to openly tell what are his concerns about you and when he says things that he is uncomfortable with, please listen carefully.

Frankly, your husband should accept his parents mistakes at least to you to keep you at peace even if he doesn't argue with them. If somethings you said hurt him a lot, acknowledge it with open mind. But be firm that your parents are not responsible to give anything more. Explain to him that if you get involved, it results in straining his relationship with his parents and hence he needs to politely and diplomatically handle it so that you both won't be in conflict with each other. Also explain to him that it would take a long time for you to heal from the pain and he needs to be patient with it.

I wish you both very best to get together soon. God bless you.

Viswa