Marriage Is Failing...help!!!

No. We are now married for twenty years. I don't even communicate with my mother. My wife, by her tolerance and patience has won the hearts of not only me but also my dad's.

Even my own mother's siblings now support my wife. My mother , due to her arrogance and abuses on my in laws, has lost my own respect first with me, then my dad's good will also.

Patience, understanding (with the husband)and accepting the husband's temporary ineptitude (to restrain his mother) by the wife, pays huge dividends. In my wife's case, it did.

My mother is now all alone emotionally. All elders of my family including my dad appreciate my wife as the sweetest DIL in the entire family.

My own estrangement with my mother took place , after ten long years. The reason for my estrangement with my mother is, her abusive behavior never came down with time.

A time came, when I myself lost my patience and stopped communicating with her.

Expecting this to happen within few months of Marriage is not only UNREALISTIC but also SELF-DEFEATING.

 

@Rihana @madras2018 @rajatsingh I took my posts to the relationship chit chat thread as I don't want to derail this one.

 

If I were in your place I think I would have done exactly the same thing. Sometimes doing the right thing may not be the best thing , but be your own guide. Could you have lived with yourself, your conscience if you had not spoken up for what is undoubtedly a moral and social crime ? Op, Every act we do has an effect on many invisible levels, all of which we cannot understand . This might have been just a small rebellion of one woman (you) against dowry harassment , but there are hundreds of women there who are actually tortured and burnt for the same case. You spoke your mind and instilled fear if not sense in your in laws mind and its still a small victory for all those who are suffering for this same issue . So do not despair , be strong. If your husband is deserving of a woman like you , he will come onto your side . If he doesn't I would say its his loss and only his loss.

 

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My family can relate to your point of view. Many a times men can not reprimand/ take direct action against their parents- not at least in front of others. It happens more often than not these days especially when men tend to stay away from homes largely due to studies/ career and hardly get to visit their families back home. Many a times, mothers of these men use that to emotionally harass them especially during marriage talks and definitely after marriage. and guys tend to feel that they owe to their parents by keeping mum.

In our case, my BIL was working away from our hometown and his would-be wife and her parents were living close to our ancestral home. In laws took most advantage of the situation that BIL was not always around, any demands they put on his wife's parents would generally get fulfilled because her parents would fear how their close knit society react if they would not fulfill increasing demands of my in laws. This went on for couple of months until last week of the marriage when MIL caused a big fight between BIL and his would-be wife. Everyone knew the source of fight but BIL and my own husband too did not object directly to that. The next morning, both men decided to take change, had 5 mins talk with their mother in private ( basically just told her to back off), visited the girl's family with my FIL without taking my cunning MIL ( she could not let go), promised to keep MIL interventions to minimal during wedding ( she was so low that she did not attend the main wedding function on time, people had to wait for her grand presence for 2 hours). No one was talking with her and she kept the sad face on the whole time. But because all the men in our house stood up against her stupid demands, and not really choose to scold her in front of people, we did not witness heavy drama.

Does she still act weird? yes absolutely. she expects my co-sis family to give everything right from monthly grocery. In last 2 years she has managed to break every possible relationship with that family but my BIL is closer to his in laws. They understand the total helplessness of the situation when it comes to MIL. The only solution was to stay away from her. Some people never change, but if the guy has a sense of what is right and what is wrong, the marriage is worth to fight for together against in laws. the key is to fight TOGETHER not with each other!

 

OP you did right thing. if I was your place I would have done same thing. I wonder why educated people cannot openly oppose these bad traditions? Everyone know dowry is against and and its wrong. No real man will demand dowry and if he knows his parents are demanding he will tell them to back off. Even if you had not warned them this harassment would have continued for years. These day all women are educated and earning, all girls should stand firm and oppose dowry. I admire you for your courage. I think marriage is serious long term partnership and if you do not match/agree on your ethics, foundation its better to separate at this point itself. Integrity is everything.

 

Why should a girl's parents suffer abuse because a man cannot tell his mother? Let's suppose the girl's parents abused in laws will they suffer in silence? Why are they different set of rules when parents are parents for anyone? Do you think if for some ten long years the girl's parents are suffering abuse because the man cannot stand up to his parents but internally knows that abuse is happening and requests inlaws not to retaliate do you think their health will not suffer? Do you think they do not have self respect?

 

This may be a drastic comment but half of Indian men will not remain married will girl's have the same standard that is applied to Indian men