To Bend Or To Mend?

A very long rant....please bear....
Just think of this scenario-

You may spend lot of time in picking up the best mango out of the lot. After a lot of inspecting, researching, you pick out one and take it home looking forward to have a delicious sweet mango. But when you cut it, it looks pale though the outer looked like it is ripe and ready to be eaten.
So what do you do?
1)You will try to take a bite and adjust to its sour taste OR
2) you may put sugar or honey over it and eat anyway so that the sourness is reduced or not felt OR
3) You may throw it if its not palatable at all.

Now replace the mango with husband and marriage.
No matter if it's love marriage where you knew your spouse well before or arranged marriage where you picked ypur life partner cautiously, things are not the same after marriage.

Before marriage love/ arranged, both guys and girls try to show their best self to them. But after marriage, when ypu live under same roof, you cant escape from real characteristics of each other.
Nobody is perfect, we have our own flaws.

But maturity comes when we learn to change where we can, adjust when we can't change other person and ignore when both can't change certain behaviours or actions which are not causing any harm to anyone.

So the main point in me posting this is trying to analyse the marriages- where to bend so that we live in peace and harmony is maintained in marriages...
And where to mend the ways of spouse so that it doesn't hurt your self respect and also changes him for the better without hurting MALE EGO!

I refused to bend initially to my inlaws and DH when they had huge demands from my parents and me.
It created a huge distance between inlaws and parents and inlaws and me. I just talk to them formally now.

But DH is immature...momma's boy.... and we living far from each other due to my studies has added disadvantage since we couldn't form that husband and wife bond.
But i love him and he loves me. I can be sure of this because there were few situations when he went against his parents and supported me though not infront of me.

I still have these issues with DH-
1) he is still mommy's boy- parents are not well educated, DH is only earning member so he spends everything on them and house and informs them of every penny spent on me too.
2) whatever i discuss with DH be it our finances or vacation or about us planning about kids or issues between us- he will tell spot on to his parents. I told him many times he shouldn't share everything with his parents about what we discuss bt he just either say he wont repeat (but he will repeat everytime!) Or he will shout and say that he is entitled to share what he wants to with his parents!
3) till now he never shared his bank details or finaces with me but his father knows even atm pin of my DH and uses it for taking money.
DH never tells me how much he spends on his parents ( i never botherrd too coz he is the only son so i believe he has the right to tk cr of his parents but he can tell me how much he spent when he can tell how much he spent on me to his parents)
4) DH is very typical orthodox husband who feels disrespected if i remove my mangalsutra even for 5mins! He expects me to follow his mom and do pujas and visit temples and cook food etc all as per his family customs.
5) he hasn't bought me a single gift in this one yr of marriage. We didn't go even for a honeymoon due to his misplanning. We had plans to celebrate our first anniv by taking a vacation but he ditched at last moment giving excuses of no leave in office, no money to spend etc.
6) his parents have this insecure feeling that their son is growing up to be my husband that they brainwash him everytym DH makes a move to get close to me (emotionally).
7) as i mentioned, I'm living in a hostel for studies... i don't get many leaves even then I always try to take leaves for festivals and imp days to be with DH and family...but when I expect him to come meet me, his parents will use some tactics and stop him from coming to meet me.
8) I have talked innumerable times to him reg all these issues- calmly, shouting, silent treatment, romantic and loving ways...i tried it all... he will listen silently and say he will change..
Bt that chamge never happens!
What can I do? I still have to be far from him for an year till i complete my studies.

Apart from these issues, we are also trying for a baby....so that by the time I finish my studies, I will atleast be done with first pregnancy since the age factor along with health issues are a concern for taking risk of late pregnancy.

We have otherwise a happy relationship as he cares a lot for me. When I'm not well, he will enquire my health and when we are together, he will stay awake the night till I feel better.
He doesn't force me ever to do something which i dont like. He would tell me to do it and if i refuse and say i dont like then he wont ask me to do it again.
We enjoy intimacy also a lot. Though frequency is jus 1 or 2days in a month due to staying far away.

Any advices to better my relationship with him and make him realise that he is a husband now not just a son? And sorry for the long vent!

 

Also i need to mention that i had lot of issues with ILs when they were abusive of me and my parents and I refused to take that abuse so I gave it back on face. But they manipulated my DH and made him to make me apologise for my "disrespectful behaviour" towards them.
DH told either I apologise or we end this relation. I did what I had to at that time. I didn't apologise but I talked to my MIL and told her my reactions were based on their actions and any relation is based on giving and reciprocating. She was still shouting and DH was near so he understood a bit that his parents were wrong somewhere too.
After that incident, when things cooled, I had a long talk with DH where I told him if he ever force me to swallow my selfrespect and do anything, then i will divorce him.
He told he cant go against his parents ever and that he follows what they say but he wont ever force me again but asked me to not answer back to his parents.
I said i wont if they stay in their limits. One word against my parents and I will forget that they are elder to me or that they are your parents. I will not be liable for what I will say or do if they cross the limit.

After that warning, so far no issues between me and DH about his parents nor i have any issues with his parents as I maintain minimal contact.

 

I didn't apologise to them. I wasn't erong and I wouldn't apologise when it's not my mistake.

Let me make it clear that DH IS NOT funding my studies. My father and my education loan is what is helping me with educational expenses. All I expected from my dh was to take care of my personal expenses as a wife like regular cell recharges or train/bus/flight tickets or day to day minimal expenses.
And it is obvious that once I start earning, I would be contributing to the household expenses and also I believe that after marriage it should be his or mine but "ours" be it money or decisions or anything.
I'm not living far away by choice. My marriage happened after I joined post grad course and he and his family were fully aware of it and agreed to support me till my course ends.

And yes, if I was in dh place and he eanted to study further, If i was earning, I would def fund his expenses because he is my life partner not a friend or colleague or distant relative.

How am I supposed to take all the $#It thrown at me and my parents and not react? My parents raised me equally as a son so why should they be subjected to the harassment just because now I'm a wife and dil and my parents should obey their every demand?
Sorry but no I will not sit quiet and let my parents suffer.

 

Exactly!
Whether a girl or boy, both are carried in womb for 9months, both are fed well, cared, loved, pampered, educated and just when the time of marriage comes, suddenly the boy's parents have the upper hand while the girl's parents have to bow their head. Why????

Just because male has penis and female has vagina?
Sorry for using these words on forum but except that I don't see any difference in male and female.

These people are the same who worship lakshmi for wealth, saraswati for education and parvati for peace in homes and yet they dominate the women and say how she is a girl so she should keep her mouth shut and just do as dh and inlaws say. Forget that her parents took lot of pain to raise her and educate her.

Double standards of indian society!