Newly Married - Need Help In Understanding Brahmin Customs!

BeingSoulful · Nov 4, 2016

Lakshmi6197 said: ↑

OP please be realistic in your life. It is good that your husband stands up for you. But do not try to go overboard by trying to please your MIL by changing too much.

1. I literally changed everything about me in the first year of my life apart from language. Coz their language i didnt know and nobody was interested in teaching me. I lived with my MIL. I did everything possible to please her. But she was not pleased. I did not do all these things for my MIL. I understood early on that she was one whom nobody could please. Not only i, anything that anybody does is not right in some way. The best she can appreciate anything is by saying - yes what you did is right, but had you done "x" it would have been better. So no point in my trying so hard as it would not be accomplished in this lifetime. But my husband should realize that she is unreasonable - he never told me so i interpreted he didnt understand. My bad. What I changed in my life was willing and knowingly, but I also did not expect the downside of adjusting too much - a year down the line I had a serious identity crisis. Is there nothing in me that is right? I clung on to my language defiantly and would not make even an effort to learn theirs. I understand but cant speak - never bothered trying also. There is a blog madh mama. It is about Alexandra, a Canadian married to Madhavan an Iyengar. Alexandra has probably put the downside of adjusting too much way better than I ever could. She is gifted with words. I would request you go through it and have a discussion with your husband. No accusation - just state that there are some parts of your being that you cannot change forever. Some adjustment, for some time but no reinvention of your being. He loved you for the person you were, not the one your MIL is trying to make you.

2. I suggested you to put down in words on paper with your husband in the loop for your own protection. There were certain incidents in my life where i felt that had i written down somewhere all i was asked to do, it would have been helpful. Everybody's circumstances are different and very few people are in my shoes. But generally you should put your husband in the loop regarding the customs you are asked to follow. Better if possible speak to your MIL when your husband is around.

Try to have a close relationship with your husband. That is the key. Enjoy your marriage and take care. Picture abhi baaki hai dost
Click to expand...

Thank you Lakshmi for your valuable input. I am open for changes but nothing that will compel my originality for sure. My MIL does have expectations on me changing completely. But I guess I making up my mind to deal with it realistically now. i'll surely go thru that blog - Madh Mama. When you specified about your experience, I could relate too, to an extent. I hope things are better with you now!

I just started collecting materials for the written document, once its ready i'l ask my MIL to review & approve.. Lol And also waiting to spend some quality time with my hero, I have been too hard on him at times

Thanks again

happydheivanai · Nov 4, 2016

Hi

First congrats for your success in your love......Enjoy your marriage life..

Dont think to much about mother in law and all... mother in law mind reading its total waste of time...

u r in US so no prob... talk to her casually and during festival time just call her and understand wants need to b done and do that ...thats all... dont think that what others think and all...Just understand few things from your husband and manage the situation... after few years you will know everythg....This is time to smile and learn...

Lady1 · Nov 4, 2016

Dear BeingSoulful,
"You have jus put all my emotions in words."
Thank you.

"Every day seems like a battle, wired silence and discomfort."
YOU can and MUST change this!

"With god's grace I have a partner who always defends me"
Really NOT necessary-deal with only your own wonderful abilities, the ONLY TRUE & RELIABLE resource at all times...another individual, even her own son, is just that, 'another.' and can support only so much. Let him be.

'..even when I don't'
Do. ALWAYS, always do, for THAT is LOVE and gets reseeded when shown.

"At times my frustration about my MIL is taken out on him, I know its bad but I am human and I need to vent it somehow"
I do not agree. You do this perhaps because you forgot this:
Realize that he and you in your "love," had completely overlooked discussing adequately what was to ensue in "family" life that would follow, with all that would be impacted, such as you, hubby and, MIL, and now you are all paying the consequences. My daughter who married out of our race asked her 'lover' to expose his family to her and vice-versa, and went to his Church as well as brought him to our Temple etc., to the extent she could. Together, they arranged counseling in their very different circles... for a period of six months once he proposed to her and we came to know of their intention to consider marriage, and before she 'accepted.' Most of it even we as her parents did not know about and she was younger to him by 8.5 years, just an 'unusually clear minded about her life' person.
Often when starry-eyed and 'in love,' most people overlook the practical side of life that is to follow and do not prepare themselves adequately for that or even reject if it looks impractical. Nor do they know enough about themselves to be honest to themselves either. Its not maturity only but a great sense of self-preservation. My son older than her, who also married a girl from another race & religion for 'love',' did not do any of it nor try to get us or any close elder on either side on their side and their union soon ended in a divorce but not before (unfortunately) they had a child
as well (!). Of course by now he is by HIS Grace in a good second marriage and the offspring from his first marriage is also off to an excellent start in college life.

The wise have not said for no reason that 'every marriage has consequences spanning a thousand generations!' Its worth planning more if opted for in the exclusion of experienced family members and relying on oneself...and if later coming back into that very fold that was not accorded!

"Initial days of marriage I did search my mom in her since I miss my mom the most (We don't talk anymore)."
Who? Your mom & you? Because of this 'marriage?!'
You could have listened 'then' to her counsel instead of 'now' to
us, ILites!! So, since you opted at that time to rely on your own judgement and choices you must continue mainly with that resource forward. I would still make up with my mother for that is the ONLY person who will not truly desert you ever, but only help even if not in a pleasant manner.

"..but soon well within a week I understood she can only be my MIL and I can only be a DIL to her."
TRUE but it is still possible to be loving; it will be just a different kind of love (with more mutual tolerance having to be built in)

"May be you are right - Brahmin / non- Brahmin doesn't matter, people treat you the way they want to treat you."
You GOT it! But only partially...people treat you the way you wish to be treated And, the way you treat yourself as well, straight forward, with self-assurance yet, without audacity...you are capable of it- you have shown it to yourself in the way and style you chose to 'marry.'

"Every single time I am being told "everyone will look up to you since you are the eldest DIL, so you need learn & follow only our ways".

Yes, & No. This is only true where traditions can be easily taught and truly accepted...when that is already NOTthe case, this is a very difficult to reach expectation. It's good to just make the BEST of it and march on on...before that admonishing sets in as traditional ' lamenting!' on her part and consequential bitterness building up in your heart. A baby might ease these tensions eventually OR, may make them frighteningly worse for, if there is no real love lost between you guys, now yet another little human being undeservingly will be brought into this mess and torn between you two, where previously, only observances were--another step that must be taken only when all of you openly discuss your wishes with ABSOLUTE honestly and arrive at acceptable consensus NOW, on how this child will be raised etc. Even though now you may think you are noble enough to let it be raised in the tradition of your husband's household, once the actual human entity enters your lives suddenly you will see your whole perspective change favoring your ways. Now at least, call your mother in law and your hubby to the carpet, and draw the boundaries you need observed for lasting peace in that household or part amicably with or without your 'beloved,' into your own household...because you have to establish peace BEFORE starting your own household. If you don't, it won't form.

"Anytime I tell her what I know, her reaction is that I need to do things according to their household and not what I have learnt. I jus find it too much to take at times. But I keep my clam, my silence."
Keeping your calm and staying silent when she has said her intention which does not coincide with yours honestly, is plain "STUPID," NOT amicable NOR noble.

GOT it?! you are not actually being 'nice, docile and obedient and consentuous, but actually not seeing the opportunity she is giving to you to NOW start establishing the boundaries which you will be able to maintain forever, especially, when you and your husband start your own family.l, within this larger family-within YES but by no means formlesy 'melted into' it.
My advise: WAIT until these 'boundary-management issues are completely resolved NOW to mutual satisfaction before you ever conceive a baby and bring it into the misery you are laying strong foundations for by keeping silent when instead you should boldly yet patiently make yourselves (you & hubby in consensus) be heard and sincerely accommodated as you are, as the next family unto yourselves, even if physically in a joint household (perhaps for 'financial' or 'traditional' reasons?! Consider also the 'practicality' of these actions long-term, in the role of the orchestrator of your nuclear family within the larger one you are now just another part of.

"I haven't disrespected her in any way till now"
WRONG. You have. (without meaning to,) in this:
"at the same time I do what I know. I have also expressed interest in learning things but usually she doesn't take any interest in teaching me anything"
This is too passive and you are allowing her to misunderstand that your compliance now may indicate complete subjugation forever.
You must tell her along with your hubby that you think it will NOT work for either he or you in the long run, this (pretending) way. However, prior to calling her in on this fact, have alternative arrangements worked out in a mutually understanding if not loving way with your husband, be it living in a separate household of your own or not having to suddenly having to become what you have not grown up as-- have the guts to be honest without being contentious at least now, for the sake of lasting peace between her and you two, all concerned here, right from the beginning.

"Thank you for your kind words!"
You are welcome, although at times they may not be 'kind.' They are definitely borne out by life experience and something you must take into consideration if you want to make your married and subsequent family life successful at least starting now. This is the main reason tradition insists on seeking your parents' blessings BEFORE you tie the knot--it compels honesty on everyone's part from the outset unlike your MIL still struggling to accept you as you are. You are trying to do it afterwards, and it is definitely more difficult for the cart to push the horse but surely it can be done if at least now you first acknowledge yourself as you are which I see as a person who is quite independent even if willing to be friendly but definitely not subjugatable which unfortunately you are pretending to be. If you are honest to yourself first you will then be able to be so with the others starting with your man and his mother. And, also with your own mom.

"Hope things fall in place with time!"
It could, but THAT depends entirely on YOU. You have successfully married the man you loved even without the true support of your elders and you are now faced with the responsibility of garnering that support essential for coexistence, post-event and belated...but it needs to be done and without further loss of time by being honest without giving in to conflicts, being able to rise above and stay the chosen course.

Good Luck a plenty!
'Bye now-

You can always rely on God. I believe HE helps Brahmins, non-Brahmins and everyone else alike ... after all, HE is no one's FIL/MIL, SIL or, DIL.

BeingSoulful · Nov 5, 2016

Lady1 said: ↑

Dear BeingSoulful,
"You have jus put all my emotions in words."
Thank you.

"Every day seems like a battle, wired silence and discomfort."
YOU can and MUST change this!

"With god's grace I have a partner who always defends me"
Really NOT necessary-deal with only your own wonderful abilities, the ONLY TRUE & RELIABLE resource at all times...another individual, even her own son, is just that, 'another.' and can support only so much. Let him be.

'..even when I don't'
Do. ALWAYS, always do, for THAT is LOVE and gets reseeded when shown.

"At times my frustration about my MIL is taken out on him, I know its bad but I am human and I need to vent it somehow"
I do not agree. You do this perhaps because you forgot this:
Realize that he and you in your "love," had completely overlooked discussing adequately what was to ensue in "family" life that would follow, with all that would be impacted, such as you, hubby and, MIL, and now you are all paying the consequences. My daughter who married out of our race asked her 'lover' to expose his family to her and vice-versa, and went to his Church as well as brought him to our Temple etc., to the extent she could. Together, they arranged counseling in their very different circles... for a period of six months once he proposed to her and we came to know of their intention to consider marriage, and before she 'accepted.' Most of it even we as her parents did not know about and she was younger to him by 8.5 years, just an 'unusually clear minded about her life' person.
Often when starry-eyed and 'in love,' most people overlook the practical side of life that is to follow and do not prepare themselves adequately for that or even reject if it looks impractical. Nor do they know enough about themselves to be honest to themselves either. Its not maturity only but a great sense of self-preservation. My son older than her, who also married a girl from another race & religion for 'love',' did not do any of it nor try to get us or any close elder on either side on their side and their union soon ended in a divorce but not before (unfortunately) they had a child
as well (!). Of course by now he is by HIS Grace in a good second marriage and the offspring from his first marriage is also off to an excellent start in college life.

The wise have not said for no reason that 'every marriage has consequences spanning a thousand generations!' Its worth planning more if opted for in the exclusion of experienced family members and relying on oneself...and if later coming back into that very fold that was not accorded!

"Initial days of marriage I did search my mom in her since I miss my mom the most (We don't talk anymore)."
Who? Your mom & you? Because of this 'marriage?!'
You could have listened 'then' to her counsel instead of 'now' to
us, ILites!! So, since you opted at that time to rely on your own judgement and choices you must continue mainly with that resource forward. I would still make up with my mother for that is the ONLY person who will not truly desert you ever, but only help even if not in a pleasant manner.

"..but soon well within a week I understood she can only be my MIL and I can only be a DIL to her."
TRUE but it is still possible to be loving; it will be just a different kind of love (with more mutual tolerance having to be built in)

"May be you are right - Brahmin / non- Brahmin doesn't matter, people treat you the way they want to treat you."
You GOT it! But only partially...people treat you the way you wish to be treated And, the way you treat yourself as well, straight forward, with self-assurance yet, without audacity...you are capable of it- you have shown it to yourself in the way and style you chose to 'marry.'

"Every single time I am being told "everyone will look up to you since you are the eldest DIL, so you need learn & follow only our ways".

Yes, & No. This is only true where traditions can be easily taught and truly accepted...when that is already NOTthe case, this is a very difficult to reach expectation. It's good to just make the BEST of it and march on on...before that admonishing sets in as traditional ' lamenting!' on her part and consequential bitterness building up in your heart. A baby might ease these tensions eventually OR, may make them frighteningly worse for, if there is no real love lost between you guys, now yet another little human being undeservingly will be brought into this mess and torn between you two, where previously, only observances were--another step that must be taken only when all of you openly discuss your wishes with ABSOLUTE honestly and arrive at acceptable consensus NOW, on how this child will be raised etc. Even though now you may think you are noble enough to let it be raised in the tradition of your husband's household, once the actual human entity enters your lives suddenly you will see your whole perspective change favoring your ways. Now at least, call your mother in law and your hubby to the carpet, and draw the boundaries you need observed for lasting peace in that household or part amicably with or without your 'beloved,' into your own household...because you have to establish peace BEFORE starting your own household. If you don't, it won't form.

"Anytime I tell her what I know, her reaction is that I need to do things according to their household and not what I have learnt. I jus find it too much to take at times. But I keep my clam, my silence."
Keeping your calm and staying silent when she has said her intention which does not coincide with yours honestly, is plain "STUPID," NOT amicable NOR noble.

GOT it?! you are not actually being 'nice, docile and obedient and consentuous, but actually not seeing the opportunity she is giving to you to NOW start establishing the boundaries which you will be able to maintain forever, especially, when you and your husband start your own family.l, within this larger family-within YES but by no means formlesy 'melted into' it.
My advise: WAIT until these 'boundary-management issues are completely resolved NOW to mutual satisfaction before you ever conceive a baby and bring it into the misery you are laying strong foundations for by keeping silent when instead you should boldly yet patiently make yourselves (you & hubby in consensus) be heard and sincerely accommodated as you are, as the next family unto yourselves, even if physically in a joint household (perhaps for 'financial' or 'traditional' reasons?! Consider also the 'practicality' of these actions long-term, in the role of the orchestrator of your nuclear family within the larger one you are now just another part of.

"I haven't disrespected her in any way till now"
WRONG. You have. (without meaning to,) in this:
"at the same time I do what I know. I have also expressed interest in learning things but usually she doesn't take any interest in teaching me anything"
This is too passive and you are allowing her to misunderstand that your compliance now may indicate complete subjugation forever.
You must tell her along with your hubby that you think it will NOT work for either he or you in the long run, this (pretending) way. However, prior to calling her in on this fact, have alternative arrangements worked out in a mutually understanding if not loving way with your husband, be it living in a separate household of your own or not having to suddenly having to become what you have not grown up as-- have the guts to be honest without being contentious at least now, for the sake of lasting peace between her and you two, all concerned here, right from the beginning.

"Thank you for your kind words!"
You are welcome, although at times they may not be 'kind.' They are definitely borne out by life experience and something you must take into consideration if you want to make your married and subsequent family life successful at least starting now. This is the main reason tradition insists on seeking your parents' blessings BEFORE you tie the knot--it compels honesty on everyone's part from the outset unlike your MIL still struggling to accept you as you are. You are trying to do it afterwards, and it is definitely more difficult for the cart to push the horse but surely it can be done if at least now you first acknowledge yourself as you are which I see as a person who is quite independent even if willing to be friendly but definitely not subjugatable which unfortunately you are pretending to be. If you are honest to yourself first you will then be able to be so with the others starting with your man and his mother. And, also with your own mom.

"Hope things fall in place with time!"
It could, but THAT depends entirely on YOU. You have successfully married the man you loved even without the true support of your elders and you are now faced with the responsibility of garnering that support essential for coexistence, post-event and belated...but it needs to be done and without further loss of time by being honest without giving in to conflicts, being able to rise above and stay the chosen course.

Good Luck a plenty!
'Bye now-

You can always rely on God. I believe HE helps Brahmins, non-Brahmins and everyone else alike ... after all, HE is no one's FIL/MIL, SIL or, DIL.
Click to expand...

Dear Lady1,

Thank you for taking time on this, truly appreciate all your inputs. I couldn’t ask for more honest views that are gained thru experience.

“The wise have not said for no reason that 'every marriage has consequences spanning a thousand generations!' Its worth planning more if opted for in the exclusion of experienced family members and relying on oneself...and if later coming back into that very fold that was not accorded!” – “Loved It”

Mom - I agree, she is the “ONLY” person, no one else can ever be like her – NONE. L

"May be you are right - Brahmin / non- Brahmin doesn't matter, people treat you the way they want to treat you."
You GOT it! But only partially...people treat you the way you wish to be treated And, the way you treat yourself as well, straight forward, with self-assurance yet, without audacity...you are capable of it- you have shown it to yourself in the way and style you chose to 'marry. – “I badly needed this” – Thanks a ton!

"Anytime I tell her what I know, her reaction is that I need to do things according to their household and not what I have learnt. I jus find it too much to take at times. But I keep my clam, my silence."
Keeping your calm and staying silent when she has said her intention which does not coincide with yours honestly, is plain "STUPID," NOT amicable NOR noble. – “I agree, learning it hard way. In the process of not offending her. I am creating more trouble may be”

"I haven't disrespected her in any way till now"
WRONG. You have. (without meaning to,) in this:
"at the same time I do what I know. I have also expressed interest in learning things but usually she doesn't take any interest in teaching me anything"
This is too passive and you are allowing her to misunderstand that your compliance now may indicate complete subjugation forever.
You must tell her along with your hubby that you think it will NOT work for either he or you in the long run, this (pretending) way. However, prior to calling her in on this fact, have alternative arrangements worked out in a mutually understanding if not loving way with your husband, be it living in a separate household of your own or not having to suddenly having to become what you have not grown up as-- have the guts to be honest without being contentious at least now, for the sake of lasting peace between her and you two, all concerned here, right from the beginning. – “I realized this in my recent conversation with her, I was irritating her by doing whateva best I could. I will surely consider doing what you have listed here”

"Thank you for your kind words!"
You are welcome, although at times they may not be 'kind.' They are definitely borne out by life experience and something you must take into consideration if you want to make your married and subsequent family life successful at least starting now. This is the main reason tradition insists on seeking your parents' blessings BEFORE you tie the knot--it compels honesty on everyone's part from the outset unlike your MIL still struggling to accept you as you are. You are trying to do it afterwards, and it is definitely more difficult for the cart to push the horse but surely it can be done if at least now you first acknowledge yourself as you are which I see as a person who is quite independent even if willing to be friendly but definitely not subjugatable which unfortunately you are pretending to be. If you are honest to yourself first you will then be able to be so with the others starting with your man and his mother. And, also with your own mom. –

“Truth is always bitter! I know I do have the strength to withstand the bitterness! Saddest part of the setup is, our wedding was completed with everyone’s blessing including two families. In fact the proposal came from my MIL. We were best friends & we got married. Long story short.. Certain uncontrollable circumstances have distanced my mom, but I hvnt given up on her!

Your words make me wander in search of myself! I consider that as good omen. And god has always been my support system.

Thanks again!

Lady1 · Nov 5, 2016

Good Luck!
Love
Peace
Good bye.

anupama1 · Nov 5, 2016

First of all,there is no need to spend so much of your time and energy on these aspects.
As you are staying in US, your meetings with your MIL will be limited.If you are concerned about the rituals during your visits to India, be prepared with what you have learnt and be open to learn, which you already are.(Don't worry, there will always be a Masi/Kaki/Bua who doesn't like your MIL and she will defnitely help you)
Moreover they all know that you are from a non Brahmin family, so no need to be embarassed and be hurt by your MIL's comments.
Slowly you will pick many things and always in each family there will be some modifications with the entry of every DIL. It' evolution my dear nothing is stagnant.At the end you will have your own set of customs and rituals for every occasion.
Chill out and enjoy your married life.