All things wrong with my life after a divorce

Also one other thing I want to add..

I came out of my marriage looking like a wreck. I had suffered 2 years of emotional abuse...that added like 5 years to my look. (darn, my future mil saw me during that state)...but then my looks started changing once I stepped out of the stressful situation..my hair started growing long and shiny, my skin started looking amazing, I focused on my health, my clothes...within a year, I got back my old charm...that gave me confidence as well. My mil who once told my fiancee..don't marry her, she looks ugly...is now hearing from his aunts who met me...our boy how did he manage to get this girl, she looks like a model.

We don't realize how much stress affects our body and ageing process. Don't stress now...Please take time to look and feel good....you deserve it and that will give you lot of confidence

 

I'm so glad for you Jazmine83. Have you posted your story here? If you haven't please consider posting it sometime. It would be very uplifting to read your story. Wishing you all the happiness in the world!

 

Hi op , first of all , this is not the right time to look for matches . You are not yet ready for it emotionally and psychologically. Continuing to do so will only increase your depression . And it may end up like jumping from a frypan into the fire . First you need to learn skills to deal with the type of problems you faced in your previous marriage and which you may face later . I would suggest counselling strongly for this . It is really helpful . It would also help to restore your self confidence .
Why should you neglect yourself and feel depressed about losing your looks. Go to parlours , gym and keep yourself fit . Do yoga . Develop some hobbies or other activities to bring pleasure to your life . Think about everything you would like to do in your new free state . Do them without any guilt or pressure .
Focus on getting a job but without getting stressed . Look for new strategies . Widen your scope and area . Take advice from some sober neutral person.
Do not focus on marriage . It is understandable for your parents to be under the pressure of society but you dont cave in to it and give in . Take control of your life totally .
Lastly the most important thing . You have to look for your happiness inside yourself and not in some other person. No one but you can make yourself happy . So think deeply without any other consideration about how will you be happy ? By doing what ? Accordingly set up your new lifestyle.
Do not be afraid to stay alone . When the right time comes marriage will happen automatically. And when it happens your partner should be able to accept you as you are without any changes .do not start compromising again just for the chance of a companion as you will again lose your happiness. After some years compromise and sacrifice become a heavy burden.
There is a saying ' no one can insult you till you give them the permission
' so become less sensitive to society and their comments . They will not come to solve your problems when you land into them. So be brave and go ahead in life according to your choice and not as obligation to others.
Good luck.

 

Around a year after..

But there were rumors that he liked me. But I did not pay much attention to it, I thought my friends were just trying to lighten my mood...

But now I know the truth, apparently the first time he saw me...I was with my friends at a night club and we had common friends. He saw me and he thought I was 20 and I entered the bar with a fake id, but I was like 26 at that time...and asked our common friend to give an intro...and that guy told him..machan, she is married and is older than us ...he says after that his views changed and started seeing me with no other intentions...but 3 years later when we announced our friends we are dating, my bestie told me that he always liked me...she sensed excitement whenever my name was thrown ....and when she met him and cried to him about my suffering apparently he cried too...I was still married then...love has its weird ways. Now that I am with him, every cell in my body tells me that we were meant to be together.

When he proposed me. I could not say yes. I was filled with fear and confusion..I was 29, he was 26. And he is a really good looking guy. I did not know his intentions. At that time I was texting my friend and told her about his proposal. She gave me a valuable advise which helped me...she asked me to open my heart and be open to getting hurt...and not let fear dictate my life. Deep inside I did like him. And I said yes...after 2 years of convincing both our parents...it is finally happening

I want to tell you the same thing...keep your heart open and don't let fear of getting hurt stop you from falling in love

 

OP, I second Stillwaters.. This is the time which you have to give yourself for healing.. The healing time differs from person to person and you need to give yourself the time to heal and accept the new relationship without any baggage from past. To start fresh you need to be on your own in all the ways.. Concentrate on your health physical/emotional/career. Try to be independent on all means.. I am not saying you shouldn't hope/try for another relationship what i am saying is be a happy strong person when you enter into it. And this is the time for you to rebuild yourself.

On a lighter note, this is a song which may sound relevant,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTTF4Y_ytlg

"

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way "​

 

kindly suggest from your personal experience. Should i got for divorce or wait for some more time

 

kindly suggest from your personal experience. Should i got for divorce or wait for some more time.

I have been married for 2 years. Initial days were good. With time i get to know that my wife is liar, use abusive language for parents. She has no regret for this. Whenever she got caught, she started crying and asked for forgiveness. I want her to complete her master and got her admitted to one of reputed college (It costs me more than 2 lac (admission fee + bus fee)). In college, she is on phone with her mother and never cared for her studies. She went to attend her brother marriage with all jewellery. When i attended the marriage she just fights with me and spread rumors about me having a child from a extra marital affair which led to big argument between me and my in-laws. After that i came back to my place. She decided not to contact me and go for legal advice. She was present at that time. After reconciliation after 3 months period, she again came back to me. During the mean time, she discontinued her studies on recommendation of my mother-in-law( was in final semester). After delivery of baby girl, she agin left after 2 months with the baby and never allow me see the face of baby. before going,

she kicked my mom, put character less remarks on my father and start slapping me. After which i slapped her 3-5 times. Then she torn her clothes and start shouting that i was trying to rape her. Now it has been 9 months no contact. I tried to contact her. MY in-laws want me leave my parents forever nad never look after them(even asked me not to speak to them in future). I decided to leave out of this relationship. I planned for the baby to save my marriage which i regret now. I could have saved a life by not going for the baby.

They never returned my jewellery, money.

I don't know i Did right by raising hand on her. I never thought that i will ever raise my hand on my partner. She is not ready to leave with me. I don't want to initiate the divorce process. I have no information why she is filling the papers. She is at her parents(Very arrogant in nature).

Parents don't understand my situation and wife also. Mother keeps telling me old way of handling wife which clearly doesn't work with this generation's girls. Wife keeps telling mother's faults but I can't fight with mother for each and every thing told by wife. So wife gets angry because she thinks that I always take mother's side and mother thinks that I have changed and take wife's side.

My brain has stopped taking right decision. Confidence level has gone down. I don't feel like talking to anyone. First couple of months were pretty good. Me and my wife were loving and caring about each other. Then she started complaining about my parents, my home, home town. In each fight she threatens with India's 'dowry act' and always blackmails me saying that she will put me and my parents in jail. In each fight she threatens me by saying that she will commit suicide and write my and my parent's name in suicide note. In almost every fight, I have to hold her tightly so that she won't harm herself.

marriage was just like any other event for her. "All my friends are getting married & so I have to"!

So now living with her in constant tension and pressure. After few days are over of fight she asks me why don't you speak with me much. You are always silent, why don't you like to have sex. Her self harming nature and blackmailing nature keeps haunting my mind for many days after each fight, but I am afraid of telling her this because if I tell this she might threaten me again with that divorce law and there will be one more fight, she might hurt herself in fight.

She used to scream whole night (No not due to what you are thinking). She used to fight and throw her phone or whatever she gets & makes a big issue just for no reason!

Middle of the night she calls & invites her family members to my house ( where only we both stayed ) as if am threatening her and creates a scene! The way she shouts, the neighbors used to think I must be assaulting her or she used make everyone think that am the culprit!

For everything, She will say "I will complain to Police". Police, Police, Police!

She used to call her family 100 times a day and they used to support her & boost her confidence for the fight saying you are right, we are with you don't worry, don't calm down and shout to the max extent!

 

You probably have tried to live for the society, yet it all ended up as a mess. A divorce is indeed a success, that stopped you from further abused.
Thank God that you are saved.

Now, your goal should not be getting married, or finding a job or showing your ex that you are settled. If so, you are further damaging your future.

Your goal should be making baby steps to stand on your own as an independent woman. Not as a DD to your dad. Not as a wife of your H. But as a person who you are.

There is no rule that a master's degree holder must work only a certain jobs. What if you are not placed yet, find whatever the jobs that are decent. Start working, earning and exploring the world on your own.
Try to climb the career ladder with that. If good opportunities knock your way, accept them.

Going to work doesn't always mean earning salary. It has other reasons too. Like meeting with new people, having friends, time pass, having a goal in life, social life etc..etc...
These are the things that could erase the past from your mind.
These are the things that could introduce the new, promising life partner, so don't always depend on parents or matrimonial brokers for the second time.

Just start your life.. and move on.

 

Hi,

I am also separated and undergoing divorce. I will be through with my second petition by early next year. When I came to parents for good, I was very dejected and hopeless. However, with Indusladies, family and friend's relentless support, I'm beginning to resuscitate. It's been close to 7 months I came back. 2016 has been an extremely important year. When we are in a marriage, even in a wrong or abused marriage, we set into a pattern. Overtime, we get used to it. We start behaving like a codependent. That means, I was living with my spouse because he had different sexual orientation but was too afraid to admit it. This fear killed him day in, day out, because of which post office, he was mostly in a vegetative state. This meant that I had to take charge of so many things which gave me a wrong sense of power or control and overtime, we both were comfortable in this setting. MIL's toxicity, SIL's indifference, desperation for sex, wake up calls from parents and friends finally made me realize that no, I have to come out of it and I did. First few months were hell. I'm still reeling under remnants of depression. I'm still struggling with weight loss because now I realize, to escape the everyday marital mess, I was abusing my body with junk and stuff. Over the last couple of months, I have done a lot of introspection and the most important thing that has dawned on me is that I OWN UP EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. NOBODY COULD DO WHAT THEY DID IF I DINT ALLOW THEM. I FACILITATED THAT BEHAVIOR. I HAD A CHOICE TO CALL OFF THAT MARRIAGE SINCE BEGINNING. Now, I really don't want to go into the details of why I stay put and all that but let me tell, life is very tough even now, when you have to stay with married brother and over possessive parents. I keep reminding myself- LIFE IS ABOUT GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE AND TAKE. So more of give and less of take, only then can we survive. Besides, hang in there, you will eventually land in a suitable job. Till then do some freelancing and skill upgradation courses.
Most importantly, why the rush to get married again. Just give it some time. Work on yourself. This is an unnecessary kind of a mental burden you are entertaining that you are not getting married.

Ask yourself, would you like to get married to a man who is divorcee, but still glum over whatever happened in the past. There is a difference between being cautious and glum, mind you. OK, so along with being glum, the guy is wanting to get married but doesn't have a job! Would you even consider marrying him? No, you wont. I'm not bringing the principles of feminism here, my only point is that its about time you realized, first we have to become what we seek, and then everything will start to make sense.