1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Can Mom Be Cruel?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by hereiam0111, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. hereiam0111

    hereiam0111 Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    After our chat here, my mom called me next day and said again something really negative about my parenting skills. I was really angry and could not control my self. Actually I was crying that whole night and had applied leave. So all that anger I shuted at her asking why are u torturing me like this? She shouted at me telling you are peaceless, u are always wavering, why cant you be peaceful? you want to do all things at one time. You have become mad with thoughts, practice meditation etc etc etc.

    I just cut the call. Today my father called me and asked why did I do so. I dont know what my mom told him but he told that is not the right way to talk to elders stop doing such kind of things etc etc. He was like you are thinking too much etc etc. It got me thinking that am the bad one, all of them are kind souls. May be I am the guilty one.

    She told explicitly to me that since you didnt treat us well when we came to you during pregnancy, we never again stepped a foot in your house during pregnancy. But for delivery, we have to bear because it is our responsibility. All this for what I did : Btw, what did I do? We went to shop clothes for my parents and my husband told us to check for ladies while he said they will shop for gents. I little irritatingly told itseems, no we will shop later for dad. They were angry and hurt on this. I dont really understand what mistake I did. Every single time I go home, I get bashed before maids, relatives, neighbours. They stare at me and I feel so ashamed.

    Now recently I was unwell and she was commenting on how bad my eating habits are (like portion control, eating nuts in measured quantities, replacing white flour with multi grain flour etc) and how dare I do yoga everyday and spoil my health. In her view, i should eat like 30 badams everyday or 10-20 katoris of rice each meal. I know am just cribbing but I cant share it with any of my friends. Most of them find it strange. They ask me why dont u bring ur mom to take care of ur kid. But no, that would be like bringing hell with me. I feel so ashamed to share this with any one, as to how bad will they think about me- talking bad about her own mother.

    If my MIL is here, I dare sleep for a half an hour extra. But if my mom is here, I am up so early and walk on egg shells to make sure that she doesnt shout at me for anything. Sorry for cribbing so much. I have to slowly change. I
     
  2. Lakshmi6197

    Lakshmi6197 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    178
    Likes Received:
    337
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Stop crying sweetheart. Nobody values your tears here and never shed tears for those who dont value you. You will have to toughen up. You have no choice. Yup you do - to continue the way you are. But you want to overcome this situation.

    How you are living your life is your business. You should be having 5-7 badams a day only. Soaked and peeled. The peels have toxins. Please continue with your yoga. It brings a lot of positivity. And stop pleasing other people. Try to please your own self for a change.

    Your parents gave birth to you and brought you up. But you need not sacrifice your life to repay your debt. Everybody needs to cut off toxic people from their lives. You are doing exactly what your mother did. Trying to bring up your family. Do it to your best. Your mother is working and doesnt need your help. If some time in the future she needs you can extend help. And to extend help you need to be in a comfortable situation also. Mother has made a secure life with father. It is your turn to do so. Slowly try to get emotionally independent. Once you do that, lots of thigs fall in place.

    Live your life at your terms. Take care never to hurt others but never expose yourself to hurt also.

    Some more next week - take care of youself and lots of love to your little one :hello:
     
    minn1 likes this.
  3. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    242
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes, I agree. There are a lot aggressive moms, narcisstic in particular. Its all because of their own messed up mind as someone said. When they got married, they might have faced some relationship issues with our dad's family and balancing work and must have had a hard time balancing work, relationships etc. And finally their minds get messed up. It's during that time the first child is born and they deal with so many irritations along with the new kid. So that takes a toll on the first kid. When the second kid arrives they are a little balanced in mind and better in dealing with situations. So they start loving the second kid more. Also the first kid is usually taken care by their mils. So they think the first kid is more affectionate towards their mil - their worst enemy. Though they dont say this, I hope these are few things that add to their problems even without their knowledge.

    Whats gone is gone. Atleast we learn to treat our kids well learning from our past. Its no use to think about these kind of moms. They ll never realise their own mistakes nor understand. The best thing to do is to stay away from them as much as you can. Keep interactions minimum.
    Also say something that the kid was doing something and you corrected him/hr lovingly or using an easy trick. And now the kid behaves well and so and so when u happen to talk with her. Make the kid to tell something sweetly about you in front of her.
    Though these might not work out, she ll start understanding that your kid might not like it when she talks some nonsense about you to your kid.

    Anyway, the best suggesion from me is to keep interactions minimum. Try and see for yourself. If she blames for this also, let it be, you just mind your own work. You have a family to care for, you need not keep thinking about these things.
     
  4. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,244
    Likes Received:
    944
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male

    I can tell you from personal experience nothing will work if you keep any form of contact, cut all the contact immediately, if you even keep occasional contact as others suggested it will never work, it sounds crazy but that's the only solution.

    If you don't believe me you can do our own experiment by reducing the contact and see how it works for you, she will come back at you with more vigor you WILL be hurt more than before.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2016
    KashmirFlower and Rihana like this.
  5. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,244
    Likes Received:
    944
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Male
    For people who have not faced these things it is very difficult to understand how this effects the individuals quality of life. I will give you an example there is not a single day that passes by where you don't get to read a great quote about "mother" in FB or whatsapp your mind keeps thinking that maybe its you that your mother is behaving bad and you will be filled with guilt everyday it took a longtime for me to break that guilt trap and say its not me its her and nothing in this world will fix this problem. It is difficult to understand for others because we are a very small percentage in this world, the only thing that has worked for me is a complete distancing and she does not even know that i am alive or dead, this is the only thing that is working for me.
     
  6. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    979
    Likes Received:
    124
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    You're lucky it's just your mom. You don't have to stay with her if your in laws and hubby are ok you'll be fine. But for me my husband is behaving the same way you mentioned. SAME INCIDENTS have happened with my husband and me. He is the one yelling and hurting my feelings. Please give me advice on how to deal with his behavior !!
     
  7. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    979
    Likes Received:
    124
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    I just had a baby. I had and section with complications and was in the hospital for 5 days. Do we got discharged on Friday. Saturday he agreed to work ( he doesn't want to touch any work at the house so he asked for work on Saturday ). My scars are still fresh and when he comes home he yells at me in front of my in laws that I didn't give my daughter a bath! Mind you new baby is 6 days old my c section scars are 6 days old and my daughter is 4 years old. What is his mom doing !?? Why did she come if she can't give my daughter a bath??!!! I ended up giving my daughter a bath while his mother in law happily watched a movie !
     
  8. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    979
    Likes Received:
    124
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    WHAT DO I DO??????! Do I stay away from my husband and divorce him ???!!!!
     
  9. hereiam0111

    hereiam0111 Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Oh my god!! thats so horrifying. At 6th day of csection I just cant imagine him doing that. :( I really dont know what to tell. Lots of hugs to you dear. :(
     
  10. liya1984

    liya1984 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    @hereiam0111 : My mom looks like like a saint when compared to yours. Jokes apart, I too grew up in an environment where nothing i did was enough. All i gave my parents was a lot of disappointments - so they said and so i believed. Until I was in my 30's .I realized that this was a toxic relationship which will only damage me further. Honestly through IL website, some one gave a suggestion to read the book
    Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers by Danu Morrigan. Opened my eyes to a lot of things i was aware of but never questioned it. The book even contained a healing mechanism which i never tried but one thing i can guarantee is that you will eventually make peace with yourself.
     

Share This Page