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Choosing My Guy

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Keerthi29, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. Keerthi29

    Keerthi29 New IL'ite

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    Hi freinds. I am keerthi. I was intoriduced to this forum by my freind who is a regular visitor of this forum. I am here to get suggestions for my confused mind.

    I am from mumbai. I come from a caste oriented society. so stricts that people do not marry or accept people from other caste. almost my cousin marriages are done with in the caste. But my dad is a gem of a person. he allowed me to go abroad for study which was taboo in my caste. i am employed in a MNC. let me tell things from my past.

    i am 29 now. right after studies one of my distant relative is asking me to marry her son. my dad and mom are being put to an mental torture. my mom asked me to marry the guy. Frankly i do not have any feelings for him nor i like him. still people in my caste treat females less to men. two years ago my dad passed away due to illness. it was a big loss and i was shattered. my only support was gone. My mom is not a courageous female coz she is not edecuated. she feared if i do not get married to the guy, our people will leave us and there is no support.

    i gathered courage and moved away from the caste circle and still they persist us becuase my dad has given us a lot of wealth for us. i created a profile in matrimony 15 months back and got a lot proposals.

    now coming to the present, i work in a team of 13 members where there are 7 men and 6 females. there was a guy who joined our team. he is from chennai. frankly he did not gel with the team also guys from my team did not treat the same as he was from south. he was just there nor he did converse with any girl or guy in the time. he never attended team outings or lunches. this was going on for 4 months.

    one of the guys from my team was getting engaged and there was a party arranged. me and two other girls were returning from party our car broken down in the middle of a night. I called up the guys from my team but none of them came ahead to help us. i had no clue to what to do. my mom was getting restless. this new guy from chennai came ahead and helped us in the middle of night. he worked on the car and somehow fixed it.

    I said thanks to him but he did not reply and he just went away. this happened on a sunday. monday when i went to work i was searching for him but he was not to be found. then as usual guys from my team and put a show as if they were busy so did not help. this is when i relaized what really people are. i got information from my team lead that he is on leave for 4 days.

    from that moment i was thinking about him. in the mean time lot of proposals came from matrimony. there are days where i spend hours in matriomony with the pressure of getting married. i did not even bother to check it for 4 days. i was thinking about him. i said to myself " he just did a job of mechanic, why do you search and think him?

    he came to office and i said thanks and he said okay. he did not spoke to me after that. i developed a habit of going to his desk. i started liking him. i even invited me to my home as he helped me and told mom wants to see him. here is a conversation of what we talked

    he: you are doing something wrong.
    me: what?
    he: you people never ever treated me as a part of the team. what happened to you now?
    me: i was never like that. you did not talk to us.
    He: whatever may be. it's better that we be the same.

    then after some days i told that I like him. he said that thank you. But he said" at this age, when you fall for a guy, he should be worthy enough. he refused to accept me.

    when i asked the reason, in short he said that he was in relationship with a girl in the past and it's ended. He does not want to get into another one". he did not any other clue what happened.

    but i like him. meanwhile my mom is urging me to get married soon. frankly i do not mind what happened in his past. but at the other end of my mind says that i should know what happened? why the girl left? is this guy bad? lot of questions. i like him very much and he is a good guy.

    now what to expect if am marrying a guy down south. definately he is more conservative and different from people here. how should i ask him or i should go via matrimony..lot of questions.
     
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  2. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Keerthi29-
    It looks like you there are two different issues going on
    1.South Indian didn't accept you.
    2.You are under a lot of pressure to get married from your mother.

    Take both the issue at its face value-
    Firstly about your crush-
    Don't go after your crush coz you are under the pressure from you mother.
    Yes, he came and helped you. Sometimes people do good samaritan acts. It doesn't mean they are ready for relationships. Life is not a movie.
    Involve him more in your team.. do things like that,to show that you are greatfull. He might feel welcomed too.
    He may be a good person.. you need to evaluate if he is a good guy for you. Importantly he has told you that he isn't interested in a relationship. Try to get to know him as a friend. You are rushing into a relationship because you are being pressured by your mother.

    He may or may not even be your type.. Have you considered that?
    How can you say that you are ok with his past--have you considered that he may have or may not still have feelings for his ex gf?

    Secondly about your mother pressurizing you-
    Have a talk with her. Tell her what kind of Husband you are seeking. Ask her is she ok with an intercaste marriage? If you talk to your mother... I think both of you will get some relief on this front.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
  3. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    This is just crush. So leave it aside. Dont bother him much. U dknw much about him. He looks like completely differnt from u. So u may hit issues later. And first of all he is not looking for relationships.
    Concentrate on matrimony profiles. Dont fall into anything in hurry. Take ur time and decide. Best of luck.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  4. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Keerthi29

    hum.....treat the two issues separately just like blindpup10 advised.

    first about this guy...I know he helped you out when no one else came to help. But I don't think you can form an opinion on his character solely based on that. So watch out for this guy and try and talk to him normally as friend first. Get to know him. As a starting step, just try and be friendly with him. Try to include him in the office while chatting with colleagues.

    Somehow I feel in your search to find a good guy as a life partner, you are confusing his one act of kindness as a big thing. Seeing how you are from North and he is from South, there would a major cultural shock for you. So just a caution, be prepared for it.

    And your mom....mom's are like that panicky when they have a daughter to be married off. My mom was like that too when my dad expired. They just need to be reassured. Just sit with your mom and have a nice long chat with her. Tell her your expectations. Ask her opinions. When you have a heart-to-heart talk on these matters, it always helps.
     
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  5. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    I too would suggest trreating these two issues separately
    1)Regarding Chennai guy- Looks likee you dont know much about him. Get to know him better before thinking of any further steps with him
    2)Keep searching for suitable profiles via matrimony. There's no rush. Explain your mom that you'll take time and aask her not to pressurize.
    Good luck
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your crush (You may call it as love at first sight) is not ready to accept you as his life partner at this moment.
    You really need to chose whether to follow him further, date with him and make him fall for you. You need to double check whether it is all worth?
    If your heart and brain says YES, and go for it... Then go for it. Delete the matrimony profile and be sincere to your love.
    There are chances that he may accept your love. But things can be twisted too. He may have other commitments or never interested in a north Indian. In this case, if he chose to reject you for a reason, you will have to accept it with grace.

    Then you will have to accept the heart break and move on with life practically. Again, the same matrimony or marriage brokers will knock your door.

    Don't keep your legs in two boats.
    If you really want to follow your heart and love, then try one more /several more times with this guy.
    See whether he is worth enough for your love
    Look you know nothing much about him except that one help.
    Learn about him in the mean time. Who knows, your heart may chose or reject him with the info you learn about him down the line.

    In the mean time, consider your future. Are you sure that you can adjust completely to fit into a south Indian life style?
    Are you sure your man would be ready to accept a north Indian girl as his wife, and let her be herself?
    How about yours and his relatives?
    How about living in a 3rd state with no one else?
    Discover all the possibilities and see whether he is in par with your ideas.

    Inter-caste marriages needs a lot of adjustments and compromises. Introspect yourself before you commit anything.

    Again see whether you really like this guy?

    Wait for few more days... If this is just a crush, it will pass. If not, you will have to seriously give it a try. Then see what is best for your future.
     
    divshiri87, NeetaR and songbird46 like this.
  7. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    OP I think you are under pressure thus you are behaving like this.
    This guy has rejected you.Be nice to him but stop chasing him.
    Focus on matrimonial site.
    OP now a days there are people who do no mind marrying outside cast.
    You may search for those kind of profiles and show interest in them If you people n your cast are too narrow minded and do not treat women with respect.
     
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  8. songbird46

    songbird46 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, you are suffering from "damsel in distress" syndrome, also known as "white Knight in shining armour" syndrome.

    This Chennai guy is actually pretty great. Not only did he come to help when nobody else did, that too people who had treated him badly, he also rejected your romantic advances. What character! He could have easily agreed with you without intending marriage.

    Also, I feel that you are missing your dad and the protection he offered you in the world. This guy's chivalry has made you feel protected, hence the misguided 'feelings'.

    @SGBV is right on many counts. You should think about the points she has made.

    But I also want to point out: when Chennai guy said you all didn't treat him properly you excused yourself from that behaviour. But if you didn't protest or take a stand against your team's prejudice then you are part of that. You are complaining about your narrow-minded casteist clan but what was your team doing except being....racist? regionist? (!) We are all Indians: North vs. South, West vs. South, South vs. East, it's all so sad in this day and age.

    If you want to appreciate this guy's gesture do it boldly. Pull up the men who made excuses about not coming to your aid & tell the girls who were with you to make an effort. Apologise to him as a group, include him in your social life, treat him like a fellow team member AND a fellow Indian. Do all this before you start romanticizing a humane gesture. Society should be like this all the time, not as an exception.

    Also, please respect his decision to reject you, take it as a lesson in humility, and make change happen.

    All the best!
     
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  9. Keerthi29

    Keerthi29 New IL'ite

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    thank you freinds for your suggestions. I was able to pull up a conversation with him today as we got our monthly review bands. i asked him did you check the band rating for you? he said yes. he got a lesser rating and when i asked him why did not talk to the manager regarding it.

    he said i have been getting this for the past months. what you want me to do? i should go to the manager and fight? or i should spend hours arguing useless things. I am in a superstate of mind. I do not mind getting a lesser hike and for me there are more important things to concentrate on.

    i pulled up the topic of him rejecting me. he said it's not due to you are from north or caste based. i didn't reject you. i just said that i am not in state for this things.

    somehow i was able to pull words from his mouth. may be the absence of my dad attracting him to me. i feel comfortable with him. for now i have put a pause to my matriomony and see how we could get together from now?
     
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  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, You are reading too much into the situation. The guy doesn't seem interested. Either way you are pining for somebody who doesn't feel the same way. He helped , you thanked that's it. Sounds like the guy is happy being how he is. You cant pull up somebody if they don't want to.

    Instead of falling into pressure and marrying the next one, take your time. Don't marry becoz he said, she said. Marry becoz in your heart that person is right. Relatives, your mom wont live your life in future.Decide carefully. Good Luck.
     
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