How To Fogive/forget And Move On ?

jayashreer513 · Jul 28, 2016

Sorry for the looooong post. This is partly vent and I want to a solution also.

My MIL stays with us all the time. I have a OK types of relationship with her.
We share household works and we have a servant maid. So there was not much of problem.
My MIL is extremely sweet person on face. But I have seen her bashing, abusing others with whom she would always be extra sweet. So I know that if she would be having some probs with me, she would not share it to me all the time.
By sweetness I mean, my MIL praises a person every one hour. When she meets someone in function or after a break, she hugs and kisses them, which I find fake. But again I felt that was her type and not my business.

Recently, my SIL along with her kid, came to live with us for 3 mnths. During which she was extremely lazy to an extent of not even making her bed, not getting her own water from kitchen, or dropping soiled plates in sink also. But, that was fine with me, since my MIL was pampering her daughter, and I was not expected to do anything of SIL.

We(Me, MIL, SIL) had a fairly good relationship, we chatting over tea with kids. One day, SIL was teasing her mother, and I defended my MIL. My MIL didnt understand the context and she misunderstood me and started scolding me. It all started as fun talks and ended like a huge fight, with my MIL shouting at me badly, in front of my kid. I was trying to calm her, and she was shouting at me more and more. finally she went to another room, my SIL apologized to me. My husband apologized to me, and told that his mom is feeling guilty and she wants to talk to me. But I informed to my hubby and SIL that I cannot talk to my MIL ever again. My MIL did'nt talk to me later, but she was praising me and trying to be normal, since my SIL kid birthday function was there. And she wanted me to actively running, making the kids fav dish , present gifts and entertain all, which I usually do But I didnt do this time.

My SIL left to her home. My MIL is back in her village. Its been 2 months now after that, But how much ever I try, I am not able to forget the hurtful words that my MIL spoke. I think about it all the times. and unknowingly I start crying. quoting very few of her hurtful words.
--> "I dont have dignity to talk about my SIL at all. She is so superior to me" My MIL shouted this to me.
I am not boasting but just as a matter of fact, I am working person, who contribute equally to family. Sleep around 6 hrs a day. I spend rest of my time for family ie husband, kid and MIL. Never share any of my financial/other problems with my birth family. Always supported my husband to spend for his sister for all her functions(My hubby lost his father when young). According to me I have been an angel to both of them(MIL and SIL), then how could she scold me with these words.

--> "That my mom has left me freely to go love anyone, which good family like them would never do?" I am deeply hurt with this words. My husband is my first love. I would say he was the only man apart from my dad and bro, to whom I would have spoken (clicked with wavelength) in my entire life. But the words she used in my local language, it thrashes me, my mom for being characterless.

the above are only 2 of the abuses and many more which I cannot / do not want to mention.

I am not able to forgive or forget what my MIL has said. and whenever I look at her, I feel such a pain, that after so many years of marriage, how could she say these many words about me. If that was her entire idea about me all the time, how could she have been so good to me all these years? I am not able to put up with fake person that she is ?

On the other hand, my husband, my sil, my mil are waiting for me to cool off. My mil expects to live with me and be like before as though nothing happened. I am so depressed, and I am not able to take the words she spoke about me, my family , my character, my greed and many things which are so untrue and brutal. How do I forgive and move on for my peace? My MIL is planning to come to my place in another 15days. She is so attached to her son. I cannot seperate them for long. But the minute I see her in my house, its a torture for me. My heads drums the questions to me: Do I accept to the accusation she said about me?

leenarajaryan · Jul 28, 2016

Hello Jayashree I know the pain you are suffering from. But more you think of that more you will suffer. So try to make your mind & tell your hubby that you will surely give a try to come out of it. If you love him you can easily forgive his mother after all she is the one because of who you got ur loving Husband.
I know forgiving her is hard but initially you can pretend by starting small talks to her. Don't go too close as you were in past. Before starting the communication speak to her about the quarrel last time saying that you are deeply hurt with those accusations & it would take time for you to recover from that. So that she too knows that such incidents should not happen again in your lives.
Best luck dear...

iamsrihere · Jul 28, 2016

Hi ,

I can understand the feeling you have. Only time will let you forget,may be you can actually forgive her now since an MIL can never be ignored whether liked/not. So ideally you will have to forgive her for your own peace. This has been a good incident for you DH and his sister to know about how low your MIL can stoop. Though they can ask you to reconcile with her, they themselves know they cant ask you to remain close with her. In a way it is good, since you have valid reasons to defend yourself, and also remain at a distance with your MIL from now on.

Next your important learning from henceforth must be, not to allow her to abuse you in anyway. If you even do that once next time, this cycle will keeping repeating time and again. Hence make it clear that you will not accept any kind of abuse and give importance to your self respect.

Otherwise only Time will heal your mind. Stay calm.

SGBV · Jul 28, 2016

Your feelings are very valid. For a minute, by looking at your thread title, I was planning to write something like "forgiveness is not a favor to others, but a self favor, as you are helping yourself from so much mental torture, unwanted stress, and the feel of bitterness". I thought it was a general MIL-DIL fight.

In your case, it is indeed horrible. I know how it feels, and how hard it is to forgive and move on.

I have been beaten like this with words by the most dearly people of my own family in the past. I am 100% sure that they spoke these words for self defense, and spit those venomous words during the heat of the moment. It was kind of uncontrolled behavior.
Later I learnt that they were regretting and indeed feeling guilty for making me go through the pain.
And even later I understood from others that these people valued me a lot, loved me to bits, but then something like their Ego or poor articulation skills or defending skills made them speak this to me.
Nothing has helped me to forget the hurt. But time helped me to heal on my own. I forgave them for the wonderful things they have done to me and to my family.
Certainly I have moved on and started to love them as before.
But, I still feel the wound is raw, it pains, and it will never leave my heart till my last breath.

Having said that, forgiving them for this matter helps you a lot. You will feel light. You will start to live your usual life again. Your hubby and your kid will benefit the "normal" you. You will concentrate your work better.
Your system will function better, i mean less stress, less BP, and believe me or not, your appetite will return back to normal.

But how to forgive them. It is an internal process. What works for me, may not work for you!
But let me share what worked for me... so that you can decide your own healing process.

I revisited the issue again with the same people. I know it meant hurting, feeling the same pain in the row wound. But I was dared to do that for the healing.
I asked them what exactly they meant? The reason? Why they feel so?
I gave them clarifications from my side.
I told them how hardly they did beat me with words, and how much it is hurting.
They were also able to articulate their POV this time correctly. They said how they were provoked, and what exactly they wanted to convey, and how did that slipped etc...
We both revisited the original issue, and resolved it in the mean time.
Finally we hugged, kissed, apologized, and cried out.

It felt so light for both. The original relationship and the spark did not return immediately. But it did come back when one needed the other the next time. Since then it is quite normal.

But I take this as a lesson for life time. Broken glasses cannot be the same ever again. Although they could be glued to be used for the same purpose. The scar will remain, and it will remind everything.
So, I play the cards more tactfully and carefully this time around.

Just move on... for your own sake

songbird46 · Jul 28, 2016

OP,
I feel for you. I know how such verbal abuse can hurt.
@leenarajaryan, @iamsrihere, & @SGBV have given very good advice.
I only want to add: Try to Forgive or forget. You need not do both and you can take your time.
Do your duties for your MIL but don't rush to be normal. Tell your DH you need time. Make sure you talk to your kids too about this in a way they can understand, since they were there & heard it all. But if she is a loving grandma then be generous so they know they don't have to take sides.
Lastly, if you have been hurt, you have the upper hand : Use it wisely

PhoenixAwoken · Jul 28, 2016

What your mil said is deplorable!
Many dils are on the receiving end of such abuse..often indirectly so that h can't defend his wife.
My in-laws said so many hurtful things ,it'll make a book...had to stand alone all the while.
But your h and sil apologising to you is a good sign(as I see it) that they value you and acknowledge your pain.
Mil wanting you to be normal is also a sign that she's afraid of losing her family image.

Sil coming to live in your house for long duration is stressful. Let the gifts etc be as usual and cordial.
Your sil seems moderately reasonable.
@SGBV has given most appropriate advice.
Kudos to her for handling the situation so well.

jayashreer513 · Jul 28, 2016

Hi All,

@leenarajaryan, @iamsrihere, & @SGBV, @songbird46, @PhoenixAwoken Thank you so much for your advice and time. I definitely require time to heal. But, as SGBV suggested, I don't think I can ever talk about or revisit the fight anytime. I don't know what to write? When I have fight or tiff with a person, I think from their POV. This helps to reconcile. But in this case, even if I think from my MIL POV, I am not able to justify her behavior. But I would try to patch up for my husband's sake alone, whom I already feel is terribly guilty for leaving his mom alone, though he never discusses that with me. And my MIL sharing her health issues everyday to make my husband feel more sad. I can realize her insecurity. So may be I am adding something to my good deeds account if there is a after life not that I believe. Its the only way I can just let it pass. Thanks again each of you for ur advice. This vent really helped me to cool off.