Feel Stressful , Any Suggestions

KashmirFlower · Jul 27, 2016

Hi everybody,

any advice, what should I do? nothing is working.

One time his offshore colleague , hike is not approved by management in India, as she delivers the project, he personally gave money around a lakh to her from my NRI account , which i transferred from my US salary. Like that so many instances not only my money used , but my healthy cooking for guests (it needs my time, which I can spend on my kid or for myself improving my skills) who live here for months, one after the other for years.

Ex, I made idli, chutney and sambhar (from yesterdays) today, packed all as lunch for my H, and rusk for breakfast, he looked at it and said his nephew will eat that (who gets up at 10;30 or so) , he will take rusk (sugar iis there in it).

my H has diabetes. Distant nephew (living here for months now) can eat rusk or cereal (no food restrictions) and that is what everybody eats in US for breakfast. I told to cook whatever he wants, but he doesn't, he doesn't do dishes either, no helping. Just come to kitchen and serve and eat whenever he feel like. And my job is to cook for these guests, otherwise my H gets angry on me.

Where as I am trying to return back to work (which is also like a job, and changing to new technology) with lot of studying and working in my laptop, which only i can do when my kid leaves to school. around 7 hours. Whereas all others in home have 24 hours for themselves (except my H job hours), but nobody don't want to do any work related to cooking dishes or laundry or cleaning house. After my kid comes he wants me to play or anything he does, but still i cook sometimes when he plays at one corner of kitchen with rice flour, some grains, running toys on it, etc

saw that sambhar box and other box is in sink with leftovers after eating, how can these people have no basic manners to clean after themselves. I am so stressful.

madras2018 · Jul 27, 2016

KashmirFlower said: ↑

I told to cook whatever he wants, but he doesn't, he doesn't do dishes either, no helping.
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@KashmirFlower - Regarding the cousin staying at your place - Have you spoken to him and set expectations of him as a house guest ? You probably know this, but nevertheless - those who are recent arrivals from India are conditioned to naturally not clean up after themselves. You could request him, very politely, saying that you dont have a maid like in India and you would appreciate it very much if he could rinse and put away in the dishwasher, or clean thoroughly with the wash liquid (depending on which way you like it).

About the money - I'm wondering what would happen if you refuse to part with money for these handouts that your husband keeps giving ? How would he handle it ? Do you have a joint account or a seperate accounts ?

KashmirFlower · Jul 27, 2016

About the money - I'm wondering what would happen if you refuse to part with money for these handouts that your husband keeps giving ? How would he handle it ? Do you have a joint account or a seperate accounts ?
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Becuase of kid I stopped working 2.5 years ago (it was very complicated case in so many ways, no choice except leave), now no income for me, but 7 years IT job salaryin US, went to joint a/c, and nothing is left now in that a/c. I was naive, he was managing money matters, i used to ask, he shout and argue, i have to forget the topic for peace in house. I wish I knew this site even four/five years ago

If I were a house guest I'd feel weird knowing that the lady of the house cooks bfast exclusively for her husband but leaves out guests.
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I am not raised like this to cook only for one person, and didn't do like this all these years,

but now without being a bad person, how can I show that I am not a doormat here. (i will coo k3 meals no matter what, who ever comes, am i wrong here , please tell me) , for how many months a person can be a guest, without helping .

my food restrictions are so many , gluten free, and more..., 3 year old also not eats all offered (sometimes he eats, so I keep him in my mind, though he is not a picky eater) , so it is tough to cook 1 item for all, atleast for bf, i tried oats 2,3 times, my H will not eat. he just sticks to few items and eat only those.

this guest not his parents not asked me once, my H told the morning when the guest is coming, said in 1 week he will see shared accommodation, but it is been months.

Gauri03 · Jul 27, 2016

I swore off this place but it's you so I have to say something.

From your post I can tell that you are utterly overwhelmed with work. With so many responsibilities pulling you in all directions, you are bound to feel spread thin. Take a breather for a few days. Get a cleaning service, order take out and tell your husband you are stressed to the point of breakdown and need time to catch your bearings. It's not selfish to give yourself a break. As to the issues -

Money - Evaluate the situation objectively. Does your husband use your money because it is easier to access? Is his income tied down for household or investment purposes? Have you ever lost money due to his generosity? Does it prevent you from spending on your own interests? Sometimes money disappears from one account only to be added to another. If you have common savings and aren't being denied access to the household income, put this issue on the back-burner. You can bring it up after you have resolved the more pressing problems.

Cousin - A grown man lolling around the house, not cleaning after himself is unacceptable! Leave his dishes in the sink and show the husband. Tell him you can feed him but you can't mother him. Politely ask your husband to have a talk with the cousin about pulling his weight around the house. Once in a while, directly assign him a task. Tone is important. Say it sweetly, like a request. Sometimes all you need to do is ask and people will oblige.

Food - Cook the same thing for everyone. Don't indulge everybody's preferences. As long as the food is healthy and accounts for their conditions, your task is done. It is not your job to make sure your husband eats. He has to learn that you are not a catering service. Take all the help you can get. Until you get into a better frame of mind, use as many premade, preprepped options as you can. US supermarkets carry numerous options for all sorts of dietary restrictions. You can even find cereal for diabetics. I eat like a diabetic because of PCOS and a lot of my food is store-bought. You can start a thread to get some advice on this issue. A little bit of disciplined prep work on the weekend will make cooking during the week a lot less stressful.

Work - Prioritize this over your everyday chores, aside from cooking and your son. Home, laundry etc. can wait. Devote a few hours, one, if possible two, only to your studies and job search. Put everything out of your mind and do this. I would suggest doing it right after your son leaves for school. Eat a good breakfast, lock your troubles out of your mind and focus. Getting this done will give you the sense of satisfaction of having accomplished something meaningful and lift your mood for the rest of the day. Our brains love feeling useful. Give yourself those two hours and the other 22 will automatically get better.

Also, please take some time to exercise. A lot of your frustrations will melt away. It's one of those things that sounds trite. You might think, "I have existential problems and this woman wants me to exercise!" : ) But it works like magic!

Take care KashmirFlower! I like your name. : )

kcb · Jul 27, 2016

@KashmirFlower .......How close is the relative, i mean he related to your H? and how old is he?

No the guest, infact His parents should be blamed for his behavior. When they are sending their son to some relatives house, they should teach him basic works and to help others in the household work. One of my colleague has the same issues with her step son. How much ever you tell him, he is not going to change, moreover you will get blames from the relatives that you made him to do the household works.

To be frank this is unsolvable problem.

Better you prepare a meal plan and select only those recipes/items which everyone eats. Make a list for whole week. Prepare only those items and don't prepare different items for each person. Instead of expecting the guest to help you (because that will never happen), reduce your work by cooking simple meals which every eats.

For example if you cook sambar for BF, then use it for lunch also. Cook curries in large quantity and use the same curries for lunch & dinner.

madras2018 · Jul 27, 2016

KashmirFlower said: ↑

7 years IT job salary in US, went to joint a/c, and nothing is left now in that a/c. I was naive, he was managing money matters, i used to ask, he shout and argue, i have to forget the topic for peace in house
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What's gone is gone. When you start your new job do you think you can enforce more control over money by depositing your salary into a separate account ? You could clearly tell him that you don't like dividing things into mine and yours, but you are unable to see any other way out when you are not consulted about how joint money is spent.

KashmirFlower said: ↑

I am not raised like this to cook only for one person, and didn't do like this all these years, but now without being a bad person, how can I show that I am not a doormat here. (i will coo k3 meals no matter what, who ever comes, am i wrong here , please tell me) , for how many months a person can be a guest, without helping
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Nice to know that you are already aware of the niceties that go into being a host. Can you get the guest to do his bit around the house - either by asking directly and/or through your husband. For eg- you could tell him to chop veggies, run errands, clear the table after a meal, clean their own plates/load the DW, keep kitchen counters clean when they make tea/coffee. I know it's a real pain when your husband doesn't consult you before inviting guests. But try & not show your frustration to your guests. These relationships go on for a long time and people may remember you for petty behavior in spite of the many good things you did for them. My grandma always tells me to be generous to a fault when it comes to food. So I'd say the same to you - cook mass-produceable items like idlis/ rice/ vermicilli in large quantities so that the guest can partake without you killing yourself.

Doing so will give you the rights to demand that your guest help out and your guest will also feel obliged. Feed your guest well, but make sure that you communicate equally well to get them to carry their load.

I will give you a real-life example of someone in such a situation- Someone, Mr X, stayed as a house guest in his early 20s at his uncle's place in the U.K for several months, hoping to find a job there. Uncle's wife was smart enough to use Mr X's help & delegated many chores to him such as grocery shopping, baby sitting 2 kids, feeding them meals etc. Mr X was so eager to quit his role as a glorified help, that it motivated him to find a job ASAP & bid goodbye to his hosts. So, take care of your guests, but don't pamper them. Put the extra hands to work for your benefit and theirs. Kaho, magar pyaar se

Regarding your husband - you must get him to also communicate to the guest about his need to help out. Have you considered asking your husband to take over the kitchen over the weekend so you can focus on studying ? This way he can see for himself how much you work you do with a guest around. If he refuses then make sure you order food in one day a week to lighten your load.

justanothergirl · Jul 27, 2016

When u have male guests at home depending upon how conservative their upbringing up was ..they might not feel comfortable hanging around the kitchen when the lady is there.
Whenever we have guests who stay longer than a few days DH quietly takes over the clean up after dinner /lunch . I leave . The guests typically pitch in. Have you tried that ? Involve ur hubby in the chores .

blindpup10 · Jul 27, 2016

@KashmirFlower- Oh man! I am sorry you are going through this situation. Hugs to you sweets. I see 2 major problem- 1). Your independence and 2) your DH not able to participate in household (even with his family involved)
You are working on the issue No-1. Just concentrate on that.

Fake few sick days. See how they pull through. Forget about your guest/ your DH. Just say I am unable to do everything. I am sick. I can only take care of our child and myself. I need time to recover. Everyone is old enough to cook/ take care of themselves. Dont need to go above and beyond to please your nephew or your DH ( especially when he demands you to pamper your Guest)

Does your nephew take care/ engage your child? He should at least be doing that if not helping you around the household. If he isnt.. don't hesitate to ask him to play with your DS. (Better try to get your DH to say it to your Nephew)

Issue No-2) With food restriction- I can understand that you can't cook one for all- Try to condense the item. See if your DH doesn't mind eating leftovers for lunch or buy lunch at work until his nephew is around.
Have simple breakfast items. Things like hard boiled eggs/poha/ oats. Make this according to your diet and get everyone including your nephew to eat it. Say things like this is so healthy and most of US population do this kind of things.
Get a meal plan ready- so everyone knows what's on the menu for the whole week.

Get your child involved in kitchen stuff to instigate your nephew to see a child is helping and not him.

If your Nephew doesn't clean up after himself. Take a stern tone with your child and question why things are everywhere and it should be in its proper place.

Don't discuss these things with your DH. Don't show that you are upset/ angry with your DH or nephew for overstaying or his parents not talking or you DH informing you at the last min. Just start to implement the changes.

My experience- My aunts and uncles have hosted my cousins and me over a period of time and the basics rule in a household is- who ever I am related to will have to adjust or its their responsibility to bring the guest to adjust to their family setting.

Hope this helps. Goodluck.

ranirm · Jul 28, 2016

Regarding cousin..you ask him help direc5ly..call him and tell him please can you help me buying these..can you please take care of my kid like that..start with simple help at the beginning then multiply it..he ll run away eventually